Page 23 of Meet Me in the Blue

Luka tried to move his hand, but I held on tighter, lacing my fingers through his. Palm to palm, he lowered his eyes, staring at the connection. I always liked the way his pale skin looked against the darker shade of my own.

“That wasn’t… I didn’t mean it like you think I did.”

“You can read minds now?” he asked, raising his head, he held my gaze.

I could feel his pulse through the pad of my thumb. Its rapid beat matched mine.

“Ron is a good friend. Not a better friend than you. Just a friend. He understands me… understands what I’ve been going through.”

“I used to understand you too.”

“I know. And I want that again…”

“But you need time.” He briefly tightened his grip on my hand and looked up at the sky. I followed his gaze. “I understand that… See,” he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. “I’m already starting to understand you better.” I bumped my shoulder into his, and instead of pulling away, he pressed in closer. “I want you to stay mad at me.”

“Why?”

“Because I deserve it.”

“It hurts too much… being mad. I want to move on. You’re here, Luka. And it feels right.” I could sense him watching me, but I stared at the moon. “Ron and I are close, and Will and Travis are fun, but it hasn’t always been like that. I bought this house when you moved to L.A. and I don’t know what I thought, but sometimes it feels too big, and having them here helps.”

“Did you think you’d be married by now? Maybe some kids?” he asked, and it sounded strained. “I thought you would be.”

“I don’t know… Kids would be nice.” Belle barked, once and then again, her tail wagging like crazy as she hopped around the dock. I focused on her as I struggled on whether or not I was ready to tell him the truth. “I’m not built like everyone else, I guess.”

“What do you mean?”

The heat of his body was a solid weight, it made me feel safe, and he smelled like him, like rain, and maybe I wasn’t ready to forgive him, but I needed to start somewhere.

“I’m not sure how to explain it. I tried to tell Ron and he said maybe I was—”

“Ron?” His eyes widened. “Are you in lov—”

“Luka.” I chuckled. “Give me a second.”

“Sorry.” He shook his head. “I mean… shit, I hate that word. Talk to me, Rook. I’m here, for whatever you want to say.”

He didn’t seem like he was ready to hear anything. His palm had gotten sweaty, his pulse threaded. I started to second guess myself, but I didn’t want him to misunderstand me, misunderstand this giant thing building inside me that I had no idea what to do with.

“I’ve dated women, had sex with a couple of them, and it never felt right. I did it because I thought I had to.”

“Have you had sex with men?” Even though he’d attempted to hide it, I heard how his voice trembled.

His hand held on to mine for dear life.

“No… but that’s the thing… I’ve never wanted to have sex with anyone. And Ron said maybe I was asexual or demisexual and I had to look up what demi was, and that felt more like me, but I have no idea. Sometimes I want things, but I’ve never cared…”I’ve never cared about anyone like I care about you.“I feel like I’m not making sense.”

“Hey.” Luka lifted my chin. Two points of heat against my skin, and for the first time in my whole life, I actually had the urge to kiss someone. I was angry at him for leaving. For making me love him. For looking at me like he knew me. “You’re making sense.” He dropped his fingers from my chin, his smile sort of lopsided. “Asexuality is a spectrum on its own. It can be complicated. Feelings are tricky no matter your sexuality.” Luka kept his eyes on mine, but his lips fell into a flat line. “But if you love Ron, and he can’t accept who you are, then he isn’t worth—”

“I don’t love Ron.” I laughed and tugged on his hand. “We were just talking, likefriendsdo, and I told him. I’ve been confused for… it seems like forever. It was nice to tell someone.”

“Oh.”

“He’s in love with Carter, though he won’t admit it.”

“Still?”

“Yeah.”

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