Page 18 of Possession

Each muscle in my body ached as I held back my rage. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Liam’s palms planted on my chest as he pushed me backward. “Then fucking tell me, tell me how you can still defend that—”

All the pent-up aggression connected with his jaw in the form of my fist. Liam took the hit with hardly a misstep. “You don’t know everything!” I let my voice raise, let the growl out, let myself free, let myself feel the throbbing in my knuckles as I sank to the floor. It was better than feeling nothing.

“Then tell me.”

I’d never told anyone about how Paige and I really ended things. I’d never confessed my sins. They didn’t belong solely to me and talking about it would’ve been a betrayal to her. Liam’s eyes met mine with an understanding as he sat down next to me on the floor without a word, waiting for me to make the next move. It was like I was a teenager all over again, but now, Liam was the only person I could talk to about the sickness inside me. We sat in the stillness for a while before I gathered the courage to speak.

“Paige was pregnant.” I kept my eyes forward and traced the quickly dried rivers of bourbon along the wall. Anything to keep myself from seeing the disappointment in his features. “I’d always wanted to marry her, Liam. You know that. But, she was terrified, terrified of having a life with me… I think… I think she thought getting rid of it was her only option. She talked herself into it, told me her parents would never let us be together and then afterward it was…” I let my head fall into my hands. “It was different. She wasn’t the same, and neither was I.” I raised my head.

“Declan—”

His eyes held pity that I didn’t deserve.

“It wasourchoice, don’t fucking look at me like that.” I stood abruptly and the alcohol buzzed in my head like a bee. “I’m just as guilty as she is.”

“Guilty?” he asked as he stood. “Declan you were frightened kids.” He was incredulous.

I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter, what’s done is done, and she left, and I think this is my punishment, being without her, it’s my cross to bear.”

He narrowed his eyes. “You sound like Mom.”

“Maybe she’s right, maybe we should all go to church more, look at Kieran, he’s happy.” I exhaled a breath, picked up my phone from my dresser and put it in my pocket.

Liam chuckled. “I wouldn’t be too sure of that, this whole family is screwed.”

The thorn in my heart twisted. Paige and I, we’d made a choice and we could have suffered through the loss together, healed, and moved on, but the night she left, she’d made sure I wouldn’t follow.

“I couldn’t have married you, Declan. We’d end up just like your mom and dad. You would’ve had to get a job working minimum wage. There would be bills, and mouths to feed. You would’ve thrown away everything that is beautiful about who you are until you drowned your regrets in a bottle and ended up hating me for trapping you into a marriage that was doomed from the start.”

I was no better than my father to her.

You’re disposable.

“I’m exhausted, Liam.” The bone-tired words spilled from my mouth.

“I wish you would’ve told me, you shouldn’t have had to go through that all on your own. I could have helped you through everything. All this time, Declan… you need to move on, this shit... it’s unhealthy.”

“And banging random chicks is healthy?” My eyes slid to the napkin with Kate’s number sitting on my night stand.

He shook his head and followed my gaze. “No, Dex, it’s not, but it sure as shit feels better than being alone.” He gripped my shoulder again. “You were doing better, don’t let this set you back.”

This.

She’s so close.

Her.

She’s waiting.

Paige.

“I think it might be too late.” I ran my hands through my hair and watched him as he walked over to my nightstand and picked up the napkin.

“Is it?” He walked past me and handed me the napkin. “I’m heading out, Kieran wants to go to Bellows again. I think the whole priesthood thing, or lack thereof, is getting to him. You coming?”

I read the phone number in my hand over and over again. The whiskey pumped through my rushing pulse.

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