Page 74 of Possession

For the short time I was there, my mother pleaded with me to see her perverted reason. She’d begged me to come back to the church, to let them help me. But, unfortunately, their help involved wiping myself away with washed-out morals and half-truths. I was dead to them. I lifted my hood and took in a deep breath, and as I blew out the humid fog from my lips, I tilted my head back and let the clean air bite at my nose and cheeks. I was dead to them, but in four days, I’d rise again.

Declan had held out hope for me inside his own madness, and I’d be there for him when he returned to his realities. I’d wade through it, drown in it, swallow down the murky moments, and revel in the joyful ones. Because that was our love, and as I watched the giant white flakes twirl inside the static atmosphere, I felt it. I felt a warmth come over my body, and my lips parted with a smile as I stepped off the last step into the white void.

“I’m going to need you to remove all your piercings, and change into this…” The male nurse handed me a white and blue hospital gown.

“All of my piercings? I’m not trying to kill myself, I—”

“Are we going to have a problem?” The nurse rolled his large shoulders. He was a few inches taller than me, and just as muscular. His eyes narrowed on mine, begging me to fuck with him.

I wasn’t scared of the physical pain he’d inflict, it was the possible drugs he could wield. “No, no problem.” I removed my earrings and he held out a small plastic bag for me to drop them in. I started to remove my shirt, and paused as I looked around the small bathroom then back at him. “Are you going to watch?”

“Yup.” His lips pressed together into a firm line.

I took off my shirt, “Where should I—”

“Just throw it on the floor. We’ll wash it, everything you have here… we’ll wash. You can call your family tomorrow to bring you more clothes. You’ll need three sets. We do laundry every night, but for right now, just take everything off, put on that gown and you’ll have your clothes back in the morning when you wake up.”

My heart hammered as I flipped the button of my jeans. I dropped my eyes to the floor as I slipped out of my pants. Thousands of bugs crawled under the surface of my skin as I felt his gaze on my chest. I didn’t look at him as I removed my body piercings and placed them in the small bag with the earrings.

The door to the bathroom cracked open and my spine stiffened.

“You ready for me?” another male voice spoke through the crack in the door.

“Yeah, come on in.” The male nurse, I looked at his badge, Evan, gave me a small nod as the other man walked in.

The room had white tile floors with dirty looking gray grout. The walls were a faded beige, and as both of the men approached me, everything around me narrowed and closed in. I took a step backward and my calves touched the toilet.

“It’s okay… I’m just here to help with the skin check.” He smiled trying to reassure me, but it sat sour in my gut. “Every patient that comes in, we check their skin, make documentation of any tattoos, any significant marks, it helps us know if anything changes while you’re here.”

Evan grabbed a large towel from the cupboard next to the sink and handed it to me. “Remove your underwear and hold this towel in front of you as a cover.”

My eyes shifted anxiously to the other nurse as he pulled a pen and pad from his pocket. I felt trapped, and each breath, each bit of air that I inhaled became harder to take. He started to scribble as he verbally counted off my tattoos and scars. My fingers gripped the towel, holding it in front of me, as the last bit of my dignity hit the floor with my boxer briefs.

“Do you think you should go home first?” Kieran asked from the back seat of my mother’s car. Liam had borrowed it to pick me up from the hospital.

It took me a moment to answer, my head was still in the psych ward. “No, I want to see her.”

I was supposed to discharge Tuesday, but they held me, stating I needed a few more days of observation. Three weeks. Three fucking weeks without her, without life.

“Maybe she could meet you at our place, Kieran has a point. You could use the structure, Dex.” Liam lifted his attention from the road to look at me briefly.

He’d aged these past three weeks, not much, but I could see the stress I’d caused him. The creases in the corner of his eyes were met by dark circles. His lips were dry, his cheeks sunken in. Liam’s eyes focused back on the road.

“I’m good. I’m better.” That much at least was true. These meds, the psychiatrist, he’d found a combination that actually worked. My hallucinations were barely there, and it was the first time, without Paige, that I hadn’t heard a voice in over four days. The medications made me tired, but they didn’t stifle me. The last week I was in the hospital, I’d drawn real pictures, not just all the fucked-up shit in my head, but actual renderings of her face, her hands… Paige… in pure form. They might have taken my dignity, but I still had my inspiration, my creative brain—my soul.

“I know, but don’t you think… it would be better to be some place familiar?” Kieran’s hand clasped my shoulder as he moved closer to the front seat. “I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.”

My brothers thought I was too fragile, but they didn’t know that I’d been broken already. In treatment, I’d fallen into a fathomless darkness, something I’d feared forever, something I’d die before entering again. I’d met the monster inside my heart, the devil in my head, and they’d smiled at me, cut me, brought me down into the depths of the animal within my skin. I’d almost given myself over to it… almost.

“Can you tell me what this means, Declan?” Dr. Barra pointed at my journal.

The words on the page caught fire and disappeared, leaving behind a pair of blue eyes.

She’s not real, she’s forgotten and gone.

You are nothing, she is nothing.

You created her.

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