Page 44 of Celebrating the Season

I made it about two miles down the winding road before I had to pull over. My chest felt like it was being crushed in a vice, each breath a struggle. I slammed on the brakes and yanked the wheel, sending my car skidding onto the shoulder.

The moment I was stopped, the dam broke. Tears streamed down my face, hot and unrelenting. I gripped the steering wheel so tight my knuckles turned white, trying to anchor myself as sobs wracked my body.

“Fuck,” I choked out, pounding my fist against the dashboard. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

My nose was running, and I could barely see through the blur of tears. I fumbled for tissues, knocking half the contents of my backpack onto the floor in the process. Typical. I couldn’t even cry properly without making a mess.

As I blew my nose and tried to catch my breath, the questions I’d been avoiding crashed over me like a tidal wave. “Why?” I whispered, my voice cracking. “Why couldn’t he love me back?”

I slumped back in my seat, staring unseeing at the canopy of trees above. What had made him decide we weren’t ever going to work? Was it really the age difference? Did he think me too immature to know my own mind? Or was it…?

“My ADHD,” I muttered, a fresh wave of pain washing over me. Of course that had been too much for him. Who wanted someone like me to disturb their tranquility, their place of perfect peace?

I’d tried so hard to be…less. To not talk as much, to not be as hyper. To be calm and collected, like he was. But I hadn’t been able to do it. I couldn’t change who I was, not even for him.

Fresh tears spilled down my cheeks as I remembered the tender moments we’d shared. The way Ellery’s strong arms felt around me, how safe I’d felt in his embrace. The rumble of his laugh, the intensity in his blue eyes when he looked at me.

I’d so hoped he’d be able to love me back despite our age gap, despite my ADHD and who I was. But he hadn’t. And now I was alone again, my heart shattered into a million pieces on this lonely stretch of Washington road.

The fluorescent lightsof the airport motel buzzed incessantly as I fumbled with the key card, my hands shaking. When the door swung open, the stark contrast to Ellery’s cozy cabin hit me like a punch to the gut.

Gone was the coziness of the fireplace, replaced by the harsh glare of a single bedside lamp. Instead of the rich scent of pine and woodsmoke, my nostrils were assaulted by the artificial freshness of industrial cleaner. The king-sized bed where Ellery and I had made love was now a narrow full size, its scratchy polyester comforter a far cry from the soft flannel sheets I’d grown accustomed to.

“Fuck,” I muttered, dropping my bag on the worn carpet. “This is… This is just…”

My voice trailed off as I sank onto the edge of the bed, my head in my hands. The silence was deafening, broken only by the occasional rumble of a plane overhead.

Sleep eluded me that night. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Ellery’s face—the way his blue eyes crinkled when he laughed, the softness in them when he looked at me in the afterglow of our lovemaking. I tossed and turned, the sheets tangling around my legs as I tried to find a comfortable position.

“Stop it,” I growled at myself, punching the pillow in frustration. “Just stop thinking about him.”

But I couldn’t. My mind raced, replaying every moment we’d shared. The first time he’d fucked me, how he’d edged me, that time he’d played with my ass, pushing his load back in.

“God, Ellery,” I whimpered into the darkness, my hand sliding down to grip my hardening cock. “I miss you so fucking much.”

I stroked myself roughly, chasing the ghost of Ellery’s touch. But it wasn’t the same. It would never be the same again.

As dawn broke, I was still wide awake, my eyes red-rimmed and burning. The finality of it all settled over me like a heavy blanket. This was it. This was how it ended. Not with a bang, but with a whimper in a dingy airport motel room.

The harsh fluorescent lights of the airport terminal burned my tired eyes as I shuffled toward the gate. My carry-on felt like it weighed a ton, dragging behind me like an anchor. I collapsed into a seat near the boarding area, my body heavy with exhaustion and heartache.

As I handed my ticket to the gate agent, I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflective surface of the counter. God, I looked like shit. Dark circles under my eyes, my hair a mess, clothes wrinkled from tossing and turning all night.

“Have a nice flight, sir,” the agent said with a plastic smile.

I nodded, not trusting my voice. As I walked down the jet bridge, each step felt like I was leaving a piece of myself behind in Forestville. In Ellery’s cabin. In his arms.

I found my seat and shoved my bag in the overhead compartment before slumping by the window. As the plane began to taxi, I pressed my forehead against the cool glass, watching the landscape of Washington disappear.

“You okay, hon?” the elderly woman beside me asked, her voice laced with concern.

I turned to her, forcing a smile. “Yeah, just…leaving someone behind.”

She patted my hand. “Oh, sweetie. First loves are always the hardest to get over.”

I laughed bitterly. “He wasn’t my first love. But I think… I think he might be my last.”

As the plane took off, I closed my eyes, Ellery’s face appearing in my mind. His strong jawline, the salt-and-pepper beard I loved to run my fingers through, those blue eyes that seemed to see right through me.

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