Page 96 of Bad for Me

But I didn’t want that. I wantedher.I didn’t want to share her. I didn’t want her to be married to a man. I wanted her for myself and all the things we could do in lifetogether. I couldn’t spend forever living under my mother’s dark cloud, even though it had most definitely rubbed off on me in places.

“No,” I said, standing.

I watched pleasure cross her face; her eyes closed. She didn’t look at me once, and she didn’t tell him to stop.

She would never leave him. Every fantasy I had made up in my mind over these past few weeks were exactly that—fantasy.

It was like watching a car crash, unable to pull my eyes away, but knowing that if I didn’t, I’d vomit all over her pristine white carpets at any moment.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t watch her chose him day after day.

How much of a masochist was I? Did I enjoy emotionally cutting myself with people I could never have?

Maybe there was something really broken inside of me…

I just thought maybe Ava had the remedy.

I walked out of the Kelly’s picturesque one-story ranch and didn’t look back.

23

LET’S FACE IT

Ava

I hadn’t seenMary since Halloween, and now it’s Thanksgiving.

I’d known Mary was behind Matt coming home early that night, and I knew she thought it would end in a disaster, subtracting Matt from my life indefinitely.

Only, she didn’t know my husband, but I did.

If I had rejected him, he would’ve lost it. He would’ve screamed at us both, maybe broken a few things. I was a bit fucked up, and I knew I had to give in to Matt so he wouldn’t take it out on Mary. It was my fault, after all.

I also haven’t spoken to Matt since that night either.

Thisthingbetween the two of us had become like a game of cat and mouse, or a dick measuring contest if you really wanted to get down to the bottom. We had always competed and look where that had gotten us.

I sat on my chaise lounge in the bedroom, the only place where Matt would leave me alone. I had spent a lot of time here the past few weeks, and it made me feel like a recluse.

The ice cube in my white wine had long since melted, and I stared out the window toward Mary’s house, wondering if she was distraught, depressed…just as I was.

The last thing I’d seen before she left was the look of pure disgust in her eyes as she watched Matt hover over me. My heart had shattered, and the romantic evening we planned together was ruined.

That’s what you get for lying and cheating.

But was it cheating when you had emotionally checked out of a relationship? When you talked about divorce so many times that it didn’t even seem unnatural anymore? Matt knew I was exploring whatever this was with other people. He understood I needed to see where this led me, whatever this deep desire was.

And it had led me right to this very spot that I sat, conflicted about a person who I might love, because she was one of my cheerleaders—and a female.

If this partnership wasn’t so goddamned taboo in the eyes of so many people, would I care? Could I change the way I viewed myself after knowing what people would think of me? Why did I caresomuch about what everyone thought?

I walked over to my computer, determined to talk to Mary. I had to fix this; I had to at least explain myself to her.

No, you want to see her. You still want to fuck her, kiss her, smell her…see her inside and out.

I refilled my glass as I waited for the dial up, hearing the computer say, “You’ve got mail”followed by the sound of a door opening.

I had added Mary to my Buddy List once I knew, but I never saw her online.

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