Page 70 of Bad for Me

“What’s the matter?” I asked, almost reaching out and touching her shoulder, but restraining myself because of her reaction to meaccidentallytouching her hand.

She met my eyes, holding my stare for a moment and scanning my face as if she was looking for the words to say.

She closed her eyes, letting out a heavy sigh, picking up the bottom box and standing. “Grab that one and follow me out to my car.”

I happily did as she said, excitement filling me all the way to my toes.

I’ll be alone with her. In her car. No one listening, no possibility of getting caught red-handed…this was good.

As we loaded the boxes into the back of her Audi, I hurriedly climbed into the passenger seat, inhaling the sweet but heady scent of vanilla and her apple soap. A scent I could recognize anywhere.

I folded my hands in my lap, waiting for her to climb in beside me. The anticipation was almost too much to bear. I had to hold myself back from spewing out all the things I had ever wanted to say to her….at practice, in the hallways as we passed by.

The night I watched her in the window…

I couldn’t do that…but I badly wanted to ask her.

After a few beats of silence, we passed by the school’s large campus and entered the area of town where most of the stores and businesses were.

“Wanna tell me what’s wrong now?”

After a few moments, she spoke softly, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I guess all the pressure of keeping up with an image I didn’t create. Faculty meetings and mixers that I’d rather avoid than attend. But I don’t have any choice…which seems to be the theme of my life.”

At first, I didn’t know what to say. Part of me was shocked that she was admitting vulnerability to me at all. Maybe she felt comfortable around me…maybe I was making her feel new things that she didn’t quite understand.

“I’m so sorry,” was all I could manage, and I tried to think of words I could say to bring her comfort. Unfortunately, comforting words didn’t come easily to me, a fact I knew because I struggled to comfort my mother during some of her darkest moments.

“You don’t need to apologize. If anything, I’m just trauma dumping on you, and you had nothing to do with it.”

Didn’t I?

“I’m a good listener,” I offered, and I see her mouth slope into a half smile, a smile I wish I could see at its full potential but didn’t quite get there this time.

It pleased me to make her happy, a euphoric feeling I had grown addicted to in my past.

“You seem like the type that would enjoy arguing more.” She looked at me from the side, a flash of headlights highlighting her high cheekbones and the sultry slope of her top lip.

I snickered. “I guess sometimes I can be a bit…sassy. But I promise, I’m a good listener…” I’m facing her now, eager. I wanted her to look at me and lose sight of the road. Unable to tear away her gaze until horns honked, and she had startled herself from the pull of it.

Only she didn’t.

We reached the dry cleaners too fast for my liking, and once we had unloaded the car and were seated inside again, the tension was palpable. Snowflakes peppered the windshield, shielding us delicately from the oncoming headlights.

The car was running, but she didn’t make a move to drive, just stared ahead. “Sometimes I wonder what I’m even here for. I love my job, and I know how much these kids need this program, but…what’s it all for? What’s the bigger picture?”

She looked at me then, with tears brimming her eyes.

I suddenly felt overtaken with emotion- empathy, or maybe just an understanding of what she felt.

I knew the feeling of not belonging a little too much.

I reached over to her hand, resting on the shifter, slowly. She allowed me to wrap my fingers around hers and gently squeeze. Electricity breeched my body, igniting a fire inside my belly. My cheeks felt hot, and for a moment I think she may lean forward and kiss me.

But she didn’t.

She sniffled, shifting the car into drive, and wiped away a stray tear with the back of her hand.

I should have kissed her, I should have told her I could take all the pain away….if only she’d just let me.

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