Page 111 of From You to Me

And at that moment, I knew, what he was sorry for.

I dashed his hands away as I shot to my feet. “I don’t care, please leave.”

“Evy, please.” His hand clasped my wrist pulling me to him as he rose to his full height. “Why?” A visible swallow worked down the column of his throat. “Why did you do it, sweetheart? You should’ve come to me.”

I gritted my teeth, my heart lurching in my chest. “I don’t want to talk about this now. It doesn’t matter anyway.”

His grip tightened. “Why, Evelyn?”

“Because it was your fucking dream, Jay,” I screamed. “It was your fucking dream, okay? It was all you ever talked about.”

“God, Evelyn. How can you be so stupid? Did you not know that you were my fucking dream,” he roared, his face an inch away from mine.

Every molecule of my anatomy froze as the air feeding my lungs stopped.

“Yes, I wanted to make it, be a fucking rock star,” he thundered as he shook his head. “But not with you as a cost. I wanted you more than I ever wanted anything in my life.”

A sob escaped my parted lips as I yanked my hands out of his grip. “What!? Now it’s my fault? My fucking fault that some bitch held your dream over my head. I knowyoubetter than anyone, Jay. Let me guess what would’ve happened.” I pushed his chest as I closed in on him. “I would’ve told you everything. We would’ve been okay for the first few years, trying to hold on to the hope that you’d make it. You would’ve lost every single opportunity to score a record deal no matter how hard or how talented you were. And then a few years down the line, it would’ve started as a spark—your blame. You would’ve blamed me for the rest of your life.”

“Don’t tell me how I would’ve felt, Evelyn. You have no idea what could’ve happened,” he roared back.

“It’s the goddamn fucking truth, Jay. It’s hard to understand, but it’s the fucking truth. Though, it doesn’t matter now. None of it matters now.” I sniffled.

“Fuck, Evy.” He pulled my wiggling body into his arms, holding me so fucking tight. “It does matter.” He tilted my chin to anchor me with his eyes. “Evelyn, you don’t fucking understand. I feel like a fucking failure.” His voice broke in that last sentence.

The beat in my heart fibrillated in a rhythm I couldn’t recognize.

“You don’t need to,” I murmured. “You only got here because of your talent. Not because of me.”

He shook his head, a long strand escaping in front of his eyes. “I wasn’t talking about that. I know that. I was talking about you. I failed you.”

Air slowly filled my lungs as I thought about it, and for the first time, I agreed. “You did. Not because you couldn’t see that it was all fake six years ago but because you didn’t believe me when I told you everything. But especially because you went to her in the end. I know even now you only believe me because you found some sort of proof.”

Guilty blue eyes stared back at me.

I exhaled a painful breath as a watery smile spread across my lips. “You hurt me, Jay. It still hurts when we were trying to be friends, but I looked past it. But even after all that you went to her. Because…” I paused, as lakes of tears pooled my eyes. “Because if it was me, I would’ve rushed to you, no matter what. I would’ve trusted everything you said just because it was you. Even after all these years, I would’ve done that, Jay, and I know I shouldn’t expect the same from you, but it kills me… No wait, it’s still killing me that you treat me like this.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” he said softly.

I shrugged. “Well, there’s nothing you can do now. It’s done. It’s finished. I’m too tired to even think about it.”

His fingers laced through mine—calluses meeting the delicate skin on my palms. “I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. I’m sorry I was too blind to see you struggle all alone. All those times you lashed out and came back crying to me, I should’ve known that something was going on. The way you kept questioning me about her and how the label was fucking us up, I should’ve known something. I should’ve done something. I couldn’t fathom the fact that I lost you because of this.” His voice cracked at the end.

“Jay.” I traced a finger down his stubble. “I don’t regret what I did. I never did, and I never will. This isn’t about anyone else. This is about you and me. Because even after all this, I love you, but we destroyed ourselves. The doubts and the fears will alwayskeep haunting us no matter what. We are not the Evy and Jay we once used to be.”

“I know, and that scares me.” He pressed his forehead to mine. “All I know is that I want you in my life. I don’t think I can go another day without you, Evelyn. I thought I could live without you, but if these past few months have taught me anything, I merely existed all these years as a hollow, empty version of myself that I hardly recognized. The moment you came back, my dead heart started beating again, and I realized there is no me without you.” A molten glimmer made his blue eyes shimmer. “I swear I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I’ll do everything in my power to fix this, fix us.”

I took a deep breath and forced every single bone in my body to obey as I heaved myself out of his hold.

“I understand. But I need time to process all this, Jay. Even in these past few months, how many times have we separated and gotten back together? And every time, it ends the same. With hurt and pain.” I dragged the back of my hand through the wetness racing down my cheek. I started in a low whisper, my voice hardly audible from the growing lump lodged in my throat. “I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come back if I get hurt again.” I wept, trickles and trickles of saltiness sliding over my skin.

It felt like mountains sat right in the center of my chest.

“Hey.” He tucked a loose tendril behind my ear. His palm slid to the back of my neck as he angled my head toward him. “I won’t let anyone hurt you again, including me. I promise.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

A soft smile lifted his lips. “You don’t have to say anything.”

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