Page 44 of Sawyer

“No, it’s not,” says Jenny. “It felt real. Itfeelsreal.”

That’s because you’ve never seen me act. I’ve always been real with you.

“And you’re engaged to Clark,” points out my cousin, glancing at my ring, “so youmustbe in love, or you wouldn’t have said yes. You must knowexactlyhow it feels.Howdid you know that Clark loved you? How did you know you loved him?”

I can’t explain it, but my memories of Sawyer picking wildflowers for me feels more like love than any feelings I have when Jenny says Clark’s name.

I take a deep breath, unsettled by this realization.

“Umm…well, I could envision my life with him,” I say. “We have similar goals. We went to college together. He makes me feel…um…proud and safe. Mostly. And my father’s very pleased with the match. He has big plans for us.”

My eyes have adjusted to the dim light in the kitchen now. The ambient light from a porch lamp outside the kitchen door cast my cousin’s face in a soft glow. She stares at me, her expression increasingly puzzled.

“That doesn’t sound like love,” she says, her brows deeply furrowed.

No, I think to myself,it doesn’t.

“It’s not all fairytales and rainbows,” I say. “You have to be practical when you decide to build a life with someone.”

“But you doloveClark, right?”

I take another bite of ice cream to fill the silence, my cousin’s simple question turning around in my head as the frozen cream melts on my tongue.

Do I love Clark?

A lump rises up in my throat as I recall my father’s face when I told him about Clark’s and my breakup the summer between junior and senior years.

He’s the best you’ll ever do!he’d yelled at me.Don’t be stupid, Ivy! Get things back on track!

I’d left Sawyer behind in Skagway, returned to UAF, and finally agreed to see Clark. He’d apologized profusely for cheating on me with Mandee, promised it would never, ever happen again, and begged me for a second chance.

Do I love Clark?

I’d given him that second chance, and to my knowledge, he hadn’t betrayed me since. My father was thrilled we were back together—scratch that.Everyonewas thrilled. My father. Clark’s family. Our friends. Underclassmen who didn’t know us, but looked up to us. The campus newspaper that called us “The Couple of the Year.”Everyonewas thrilled that Ivy Caswell and Clark Rupert were reunited. And when you’re met with that much approval, you can get a little carried away by it. It casts your feelings, whatever they may be, in a rosier glow than they might deserve.

Do I love Clark?

“Ivy,” says Jenny. “It’s a simple question. I don’t think it should take this long to answer.”

I stand up, taking the empty bowls to the sink and running water into them.

“Of course I do,” I say, though I can’t bring myself to turn around to look my cousin in the eyes.

“That’s good,” says Jenny, standing up and pushing her chair back under the table. “I’m going to bed now. Don’t forget your promise about my mom.”

“I won’t,” I say, staring at my reflection in the dark window over the sink.

“’Night, Ivy.”

“’Night. Jen,” I say. “Sleep tight.”

I stand at the sink until I hear my cousin open and close the door to the bedroom she’s sharing with her sister. Silence descends over the house, and a sharp, sick feeling in my stomach makes me wonder if the ice cream was spoiled.

***

On Monday night, I make dinner, wash the dishes, and finish folding the laundry before leaving my aunt, uncle, and cousins watching a movie, and walk over to the Skagway Public Library where a new book club discussion is beginning tonight.

It never really occurred to me that Skagway had so much going on in the off-season. I think I assumed that Skagwegians rolled up the sidewalks on October first and spent the next six months hibernating in their individual homes by the fireside. I didn’t know that there were plays and book groups, open restaurants and bars, movies shown regularly around town, and myriad other community activities. Skagway’s not as bustling as Fairbanks or Juneau, of course, but it’s a lot more alive than I ever gave it credit for.

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