Page 59 of Harper

“Wow. Three kids. How do you do it?”

She shrugs. “Sandra Clearwater runs a day care. Older two are over there right now.”

Sandra Clearwater. I try not to grimace at the mention of her name. She’s Joe’s closest cousin, and she makes no attempt to hide how much she hates me whenever we run into each other.

“Right. Sandra,” I say. “That’s good you have help. I’m sure you’re tired.”

“Yeah. I’m tired for sure,” she says. “And I get emotional these days, which drives Mike crazy.”

I nod, remembering my own pregnancy symptoms from long ago.

Tired, check.

Emotional, check.

Nauseous…check.

To my left, between the indigestion meds and baby items, are the sanitary products, condoms, and pregnancy tests. I flick my eyes over to them, then back to Neena. My stomach rolls over. My heart rate speeds up. I feel my cheeks flare with heat even though my brain can’t quite process what the rest of my body seems to be figuring out.

“I…I have to go, Neena,” I say, heading for the bathroom at the back of the store. The plastic basket I was holding slips from my hands and clanks onto the tiled floor. “Good luck with everything.”

I get to the bathroom, lock the door, and fall to my knees by the toilet, heaving my meager breakfast of coffee and toast into the bowl.

Tired. Emotional. Nauseous.

Oh my god.

Tired. Emotional. Nauseous.

No. No! This is just a hangover. I was just with Joe two weeks ago. It’s way too early for…for…

Get a hold of yourself, Harper!

I fish my phone from my back pocket, opening up the internet and searching: how soon can pregnancy symptoms appear?

My heart drops when Google tells me that a pregnant woman can start experiencing symptoms as soon as six days after implantation.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I was in Joe’s bed exactly fourteen days ago, and of course we didn’t use protection of any kind. As he pinned me against the back of his front door, he asked if I was on birth control. When I told him, “It’s covered,” he reached under my dress and ripped my panties in half.

I wasn’t lying. I was all but sterilized when Raven was born. The doctor said so. He said that my one remaining ovary was damaged, and my only fallopian tube was permanently blocked with scar tissue. He said I wouldn’t be able to have children naturally, only via IVF. I remember it. I remember exactly what he said, and yet…

I look at my phone again.

I whimper softly, then whisper to myself: “There’s only one way to know for sure.”

Getting up off the floor, I flush the toilet, wash my hands and gargle. I’m going to get a pregnancy test, pay for it, go home, and take it. Then I’ll know. I’ll know I’m not pregnant, I’m just hungover, and I’m being utterly ridiculous.

Leaving the bathroom, I return to the pharmacy aisle and quickly scan the pregnancy tests, looking for the one that seems to offer the earliest results. First Result Early seems to wear the crown, so I pull one of those off the shelf and beeline to the register.

There are two people in front of me, so I keep doom scrolling pregnancy symptoms on Google, which only intensifies my already-ample anxiety.

Early signs include tiredness, upset stomach, and moodiness.

You’re pregnant again.

Early signs also include tender breasts and spotting, and I’ve experienced neither.

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