Page 65 of Lamb

“There’s not many questions left,” Mint reassured me.

“You said that a billion questions ago,” I whined, knowing I was sounding petulant. It had already been a few hours since my last drink, and knowing I was not getting another one, possibly ever again, was making me irritable and jittery. Mint was simply the closest punching bag for my nerves.

Mint sighed, looking up from his clipboard, tugging down the small, thin-framed glances he had rested on his nose. They looked minuscule and fragile on a man of his size, and the juxtaposition had been funny at first. Now, it had lost its charm,along with Mint and his desperation to play 20 Questions a hundred times over.

“I need to find out exactly what I’m dealing with so I can give you the correct dose and set you up a proper detox course.”

“I get that.” I sat back up, folding my arms over my chest. “But you have had my drunk life story six times over; surely, you have enough by now.”

“If you’re not serious about this,” Mint responded, slapping his pen and clipboard onto the buffet beside the sitting chair, “you don’t have to go any further.”

I could not blame Mint for losing his patience. I was not being the easiest of patients, could not say I ever had been. I had not been the most forthcoming with information; some things I did not remember, and others felt so tedious that I could not fathom their importance. Mint, however, had a different opinion.

“I am sorry; I am being a dick.” I sighed, rubbing my hand over my eyes. The dull headache had already surfaced just as the quiz began, and it was now drumming a steady beat behind my eyes. “Where were we?”

“The final question.” Mint ignored the sheet he had spent the last half an hour writing on. “Why are you doing this?”

“What?”

“Detox isn’t an easy thing.” Mint sank back into his chair, his pose relaxed, but his eyes and tone were anything but. They were strict but sincere. “It’s not just a single permanent choice made here and now. This is a choice you will have to keep making over and over again. Anytime you’re around alcohol, you’ll have to choose not to drink. Anytime you feel thirsty, you’ll have to choose not to drink. Anytime you’re in a supermarket, an off-license, a bar, a pub, the clubhouse, anywhere with even a small selection of alcohol, you will have to choose not to drink.” He paused. “Are you sure you can do that?”

“I …” I paused.

Was I?

I might have agreed to the detox, but there was no surety I had really thought it through. I would never be touching alcohol again. That last drink would be just that. My last. Throughout the rest of my life, however short, I would never touch a drink again.

Alcohol had been an escape for me. Something to kill time, and a way to just disappear from the world. As time went on, and the hangovers got heavier and being sober felt worse, I just let the thorns of my addiction sink in further. Soon, the search for a drink in every town and city I went to became my normal, and a habit was built. One I had no desire or reason to ever break.

It was not like I had come across any higher purpose to change myself or a desire to become normal. In the last few weeks, the only thing that had changed was Lamb’s new control over my actions. I did not hate it entirely. We had been wrapped up in a little world where I did not have to try to find a solid piece of cardboard to insulate me from the wet floor of the street or find food in a place where I was not even allowed to look in through the window. I might have chosen to wither away in that life, but it did not make it any less miserable. Any less cruel. Any less cold.

“It is not often that I get to make my own choices,” I murmured, my thoughts slipping out loud. I dabbled somewhere between the deep dredges of my mind and the awareness that another human sat in front of me, listening. “The few I did make were not great.” I thought back to how I had left the club. Left those I had cared about. Even going back in time, my choices would not change. But it was less that I wanted to and more that Imust. For the safety of those I cared about, it had to be what I wanted, even if I wished it was not. “If I can make at least one more good choice in my life, this one is as good as any …”

Mint did not respond at first, and it took a while for my eyes to gravitate back to his face. His gaze was searching, looking somewhere deep and far away through my face, but I did not hate it. It did not feel prying or judgemental, just present.

“I am sure my reason is not a strong enough one—”

“No,” Mint interrupted, reaching back for his clipboard and pen. “It’ll do.” He took a few quiet moments to scribble some more onto his papers, the sole noise carried on the breeze slipping through the open window.

I looked out as dusk began to settle on the neighbouring houses, a few indoor lights flickering on as the darkness of looming winter weighed on the day’s tail.

“Do you think I can do it?” I asked without thought. I did not expect an answer, nor was I sure I wanted one. I was determined to follow through when I chose something, even if those times did not come often. But choosing to do something and being able to complete it were different.

“You can.”

I spun toward the source of the voice not in front of me but behind.

Lamb leant in the open doorway, his black slacks and white shirt hanging loose off his frame. He suited the clothes well and oozed that effortless chic, the material clinging in the right places to allude to the well-kept, tight body beneath while blurring all the spicier details. A tease, well and truly.

He pushed off the doorway, walking barefoot around the edge of the bed before stopping at my side. His fingers grazed my cheek, toying with my hair like it was his newest obsession. Warmth spread across my skin at even the softest connection.

“I meant my words,” Lamb reiterated. “If you choose this, I will make sure you do not fail.”

“How are you so sure?” I shook off his grip, frowning at the confidence on his face like an unmoving, irreplaceable mask.

“Because every moment for the rest of your life will belong to me,” he answered. “I will be your strength when you have none. Your stubbornness in moments of weakness. Your power and drive to do anything and everything you desire. I can become that for you. And I will.”

I was shocked.

---