Page 91 of Jax

Because I wanted one too.

Not a trophy to wave around with bravado. But I wanted to be let into that part of Jax’s world. I wanted to show him that I was willing to try and accept that side of him. Couldn’t guarantee I would like it. I knew I didn’t when he tied me to a tree on our birthday when we were kids. But even I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that was all it was.

All I needed to know was that it meant something to him.

And that I wanted to give him that.

I wanted to try.

But how could I try when Jax wouldn’t even give me a chance? I didn’t even have an opportunity to wedge my shoe in the door because even at the subtle hint of it, he didn’t just shut me down, he shut me out.

He didn’t want to think about it in my presence.

What did that mean for us?

If he was going to abandon me in bed at the slightest chance, then we wouldn’t be going much further. Even after coming this far.

I knew couples could live with a normal sex life. But to deny a part of a person you’re supposed to love without trying would just be… selfish and painful.

The door to the bathroom creaked open, and Jax’s footsteps stopped in the doorway. “Ronnie?” Jax called out into the dark room. “You asleep?”

No.

I didn’t reply.

A heavy sigh was released into the air as Jax’s feet wavered in the doorway, the wood creaking with every rock of his foot. “Shit,” he grunted, careless footsteps carrying him over to the wooden set of drawers, before he made a racket shuffling through them and slamming them closed.

He walked back over to the bed, pausing before climbing in.

I was facing the wall, but I could feel Jax’s eyes bearing into the back of my head.

I was sure Jax fell asleep after a while, and I turned over to face him. His dark hair fell in front of his eyes, his face a picture of peace as it pressed into the soft pillows. He breathed soundly, the tattooed ink seeming to dance across the tanned tone of his skin.

They look like a shield,I observed. The patterns and designs covering every vulnerable spot, and everything in between, was like a line drawn between himself and everybody else.

The tattoo of the club on his back told me that his brothers were standing on the other side of that line. Stood on the side with him on it.

The side I had once stood on as well.

Before the line had been drawn.

Before I made him draw it.

After all this time, the way I had refused to leave with him was still etched into his skin and soul. It was a decision I could never take back. One I still wouldn’t change. But maybe…I should have done it a different way and then maybe… maybe avoid all the pain that had sat between us. But I couldn’t turn back time, and the things I had done were just that. Done. No take backs.

I felt my eyes begin to burn with the silence.

Will our feelings be enough to fix that? Can we really write our future over such a painful past? Will we be able to fix our relationship?

The more tears that fell, the more questions came to my head. All questions and no answers. I wondered if I would ever find them with time.

I hoped for it. But most of all….

I doubted-

“Fuck this shit,” Jax’s voice snapped, making me leap out of my skin.

“Jesus Christ, Jax,” I yelped, flipping back to the sheets to face the man launching himself out of bed. He threw the covers without care and with enough force to slap me in the face. “I thought you were asleep!”

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