Page 190 of Tangled up in You

“Hey, Cas doesn’t control what we do. We’re all adults, and it’s not like we’re doing anything wrong. Besides, he has an open invitation if he takes it,” Quinn argues, and I agree with him, but this game is like walking a high wire. The landing will hurt my heart if this goes sideways.

“He may not dictate what you do with your dick, but I’m telling you he’s ready to put your face through a window.” Koa gives me his wise old man look even though he’s only twenty-two. “Ry, if your goal is to push Cas to come to his senses, I get it, but…be very fucking careful, or you’ll end up losing the very thing you’re chasing, and I don’t just mean him. I know thistour means as much to you as it does us, but we have no group without Cas. What are you going to do if he kicks you out?”

Closing my eyes, I lay my head back on the bench. Koa is right. I need to push him, but…maybe this isn’t the way. Finn’s hand squeezes my leg, and I jump and look at him.

“You okay,” he mouths at me while Koa and Quinn continue to argue. I nod, but as I look down, he lifts my chin. “We all love you, Ryver,” he whispers. “Keep at it, and Cas will come around. Whatever happens, we’re here for you.”

“Or Cas will pull a gun and kill you and Quinn, but hey, why not live on the edge,” Koa says sarcastically as he gets up, and we all follow.

“You’re fucking dramatic, man,” Quinn says, but I feel like Koa is right. Even if it’s not a physical gun, which isn’t Cas. He is very capable of putting me on a bus and sending me home, and even if I fight to stay, it’s his band and his best friends. How much trouble am I willing to cause? Do I really want to resort to pitting them against one another? No, I don’t, and with one call to my brother, no matter what I say, Seth will loop in our parents and I’ll be screwed six ways to Sunday and not in a good way.

The moment we step outside, my heart sinks as I stare at the far-off look in Cas’s eyes and the cigarette idly burning in his hand. He quit three years ago, and I know why he grabbed a pack. Cas puts himself under more stress than any other person I know. He takes everything on his shoulders and considers himself to blame if the band isn’t successful or fails.

Marching ahead of the guys, I walk up to Cas. His eyes are glazed over like he’s off in another world. I smack his hand, holding the cigarette, sending it falling to the ground, and he jerks out of the trance. I stomp my boot on the glowing ember, twisting as the anger rolls through me. There is no way in hell I’m letting him start again and throw away his future.

“What fuck was that for,” he growls, but it doesn’t stop me from pushing him up against the van, sticking my hand in his jacket and pulling out the rest of the pack. “Ry, give those back. What the hell has gotten into you?”

“No. Fuck you.” I poke him in the chest. “You’re not tossing away your voice for cigarettes. Isn’t that what the doctor said when you started having issues? Quit them or quit singing?”

“Well….”

I cut him off. “Like I said, fuck you.” I glare, fuming. “I don’t care what you’ve got going on up here….” I point at his forehead. “I’m not letting you start again. And if you go in there and buy more, I’ll destroy them too and every single one you buy after that. If you sneak one, I’ll smell it on you like a fucking bloodhound, and you better believe I will sniff you every time we finish a set. Touch one again, and I’ll make goddamn sure you regret it. Got it?”

I’m too enraged to laugh at the shocked look on all their faces. Stomping over to the garbage can by the wall, I spot a homeless man staring longingly at the pack. “You want them?” He nods. “Here.” I hand them over. “That shit will kill you, though,” I say before turning on my heel and marching back to the van. “Now let’s go. I want to see this bridge.”

Finn opens the door and hops in, and I follow after. Quinn and Cas stare at one another like they’re having a silent conversation before Cas jumps in beside me, and of course, I can’t help but notice how good it is to have his leg press against mine. This is the problem. I’ve wanted him since I was old enough to start dating. Cas is the untouchable one, my brother’s best friend. I’m not a kid anymore, but it’s how Cas sees me. As tempting as it is to lay my hand on his leg, I behave myself and don’t move a single muscle.

The ride is deadly quiet until Koa finally puts on some music. A couple of hours in, my eyes keep fluttering closed, and Istruggle to keep them open. My heart almost bursts with joy as Cas wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer, so I can rest my head on his chest. He doesn’t say anything, but his message is clear. He’s sorry. This is as close as I’ll get to a sorry from Cas. He’d sooner cut off his own arm than say those two words.

He smells so good. Hugging his stomach, I let myself take in this moment before nodding off.

Despite beingon the road all day, the excitement of going on tour, emotional turmoil, and sightseeing, I’m wide awake. Part of me is beyond excited, but the other part of me is freaking out.

Are we in a packed house of thousands? No. Is it a great bar in a popular location, and they’re making a big deal about us coming? Yes. They are completely sold out, and the six hundred people between two floors are buzzing. I’m bouncing on the balls of my toes with the electrifying sensation floating into the backstage room where we are getting ready.

“I think I’m going to throw up.” Walking over to a chair, I sit down and put my head between my legs. “What have I done? I’ve never even played in front of a crowd before. What if I suck? What if I forget all the songs and go blank? What if I screw this up for all of you?” I cover my mouth and swallow the bile that is trying to rise.

“Easy, Ry,” Cas says, squatting in front of me. “Guys, can you give us a minute?” I can’t look at them as they file out, leaving Cas and me alone. I want him to look at me like this, but not now when I’m trying not to throw up all over him.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this. Who am I trying to kid?”

“Ry, look at me.” I open my eyes and stare into his with the silver contacts, but for once, I don’t like them. His eyes are so warm. His hands are massive on my knees. “There are very few things I’m certain of in this life, but one of them is you being able to handle this. You’ve practically been playing alongside us your entire life. You think I didn’t hear you practicing when we were on break?” My lip turns up, but the jitters are still very real.

“I don’t know…I was so cocky when I jumped at the opportunity, but Cas…I’ve never played with you guys. What if my timing is off?”

“Do you know the music?”

“Yes.”

“Did you memorize the set order?”

“Yes, but….”

“No buts.” I follow his finger as he places it on my lips, just like I did to him last night. As soon as he touches me, my erratic pulse jumps higher, but for a totally different reason. “I know how great you are, and Seth wouldn’t have sent you if he thought you couldn’t do it.” I bite my lip, my emotions scurrying around like ants throughout my body. But he has my brain screeching to a halt the moment his hands cup my face and his lips crush mine.

Moaning, I open my mouth. Need and shock battle back my fear. Cas’s tongue piercing is as tantalizing as I remember, and my body heats. Just thinking about how it feels teasing my pussy has every muscle shuddering. If having fireworks go off in your body is a real thing, then that is what kissing Cas is to me. Christmas morning, my birthday, and my favorite song playing, with candles burning as he spins me in circles like some fairytale story. He lights up every corner of my body until I’m sure I glow in the dark.

Pulling me up, he holds me tight as he ravages my mouth with a ferocity that borders on desperation, and I’m here forevery second of it. The sharp knock on the door is startling, but Cas doesn’t jump away. Instead, he runs his fingers down my cheeks before breaking the kiss.

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