Page 129 of The Devil's Pawn

“No.” Dad shakes his head. “I’ve told you many times, son, you never have to apologize to me. As for protection, there are no guarantees. We have better technology now than we did nineteen years ago, but life comes with risks. As much as I’d love to wrap all my children in cotton wool, I can’t, and you won’t be able to with your children, either. But cutting ourselves off from the pain of life isn’t the answer. That way, we’re not fulfilling our potential.”

He smiles at me, then at Imogen. “I’m sorry I took the decision away from you, Imogen, but, and I say this to both of you, when you hold your child for the first time, it’s a love like no other.” He returns his gaze solely to me. “To deny yourself that because of an event that may never happen wasn’t something I could let you go through with. Maybe I didn’t go about it the right way, but it was the best way for you, and for this wonderful woman who I know will be an incredible mother to this child, and all the children I hope will come after.”

Is what Dad says possible? Have I created a supposed truth borne from a lie, allowing fear to convince me that I don’twantto be a father when the reality is the opposite?

Assaulted by a hundred conversations I’ve had with Lilian over the years, I glance at Imogen.

“Dad, would you excuse us? I need to talk to my wife.”

Standing, I hold out my hand. She takes it, sliding her palm against mine. Instead of heading up to our apartment, I lead her downstairs and out the front door. The morning rain shower has cleared, and fluffy white clouds fill the sky, the sun warm enough that we don’t needour jackets.

“Where are we going?” she asks.

“You’ll see.”

When we arrive at the chapel, instead of going inside, I head for the graveyard where my mother and sister are buried. I stop by their graves. Imogen says nothing, but I feel the strength of her support, of her love, and it humbles me.

“After Annabel died, I cut myself off from my emotions. They were just too damn painful. On the odd occasion I felt joy, excitement, or pleasure, the guilt would crush me, because Annabel didn’t get to feel those things and, as you know, I blamed myself for not being able to save her. But that was only one facet of how losing her and my mother fucked me up.”

I turn to face her, threading our fingers together. “I’ve had hundreds of therapy sessions, but I’ve never truly listened to what Lilian was saying. I never did the work outside of my once-a-week visits to peel away the truth of my feelings. Instead, I masked them with lies that became so entrenched in my beliefs, my brain couldn’t separate them from the truth. I convinced myself I didn’t want children because I couldn’t guarantee their safety. What I failed to recognize was how I’d let the fear of one possible future dictate how I lived my life. I thought I was protecting myself from harm when the opposite is true. By denying myself the chance to be a father, I was self-harming to the point of destruction.”

I bring her hands to my mouth and kiss her knuckles. “I’m sorry, Imogen. I’ve done everything wrong. When you said the test was positive, the first thing I should have done was check in with you. Ask how you’re doing, how you’re feeling. Instead, I behaved the opposite of what a lovinghusband should be. Forgive me, please. I promise with all my heart that I will do better.”

“I only have one question,” she says.

My heart jumps into my throat. “What’s that?”

“Do you want this baby?”

I return my gaze to my sister’s grave. She was in the ground before she ever had chance to live, to love, to grow into the wonderful woman she would have been—what an incrediblemothershe’d have made. And in many ways, Imogen reminds me of her. She’s got the same fire in her belly, the same lust for life, and the same set of balls bigger than most men I’ve come across.

If Annabel were here, I know what she’d say. Then again, if shewashere, I wouldn’t have the same gut-wrenching fears of bringing children into a world where evil lurks around every corner, waiting for a chance to destroy a life.

Talk to me, Belle.

Imogen is quiet waiting for me to answer her question, but I sense her growing anxiety as she rebalances her weight. If I say no to her question, she’ll leave me. She will pick the baby over me, and I wouldn’t blame her for it.

A breeze rolls across the back of my neck, and I shiver. Was that Annabel or my mother letting me know their thoughts?

“I’m scared.”

Moving into my body, Imogen wraps her arms around my waist. “I’m scared, too, but we’ll figure this out together. We’re strong enough to withstand this, Alexander. I don’t want to lose you.” Tipping back her head, she looks up at me, and there’s so much love in her eyes, emotion wells up inside me.

“Whatever you decide to do doesn’t negate the fact thatyou’re going to be a father. This baby will have the De Vil name, which means we’re kind of past the what if stage. And don’t you think we’re better off living here, with you, where you can protect us?” She pauses, allowing her words to sink in. “And for what it’s worth, I think the discipline and direction you can offer a child will make you a wonderful father. I hate the way this has happened. It’s unfair to force you into accepting something you’ve always feared, but here we are.”

She’s right. Whatever happens, I’m going to be a father. The deed is done, the seed sewn. Literally. And no one can provide better protection for my wife and child than I can.

I cup my hands around her face and let out a shaky breath. “My fears haven’t gone away just because you’re pregnant. I doubt they ever will. I can’t promise I won’t be overbearing. They’ll have enough security to suffocate them even while on the estate, and they’ll probably hate me for it. Nor can I promise I won’t insist on having them tagged. I need to sit with that one for a while, but if that’s what I decide, I need you to support my decision.”

Her smile, so honest and raw, dazzles me. “Well, we may as well screw them up in our own special way.”

I smooth a hand over her hair and grin. “True.”

She rests her head on my shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you, Little Pawn. More than I ever thought possible.”

We stand there in silence for a few minutes, holding one another, processing the enormous shift our lives have taken and will take. As the first blob of rain falls, Imogen looks up at me.

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