Page 74 of Crossover

If the cop had a canine in his car, trained on smelling fear, I was screwed. At least he was on the far end of the counter, well out of earshot, so he couldn’t hear how shaky my voice might sound.

“First of all”—I forced myself to shift back to the conversation at hand or else Mom would be tipped off—“Dad’s death is not your fault, Mom. It was the unfortunate byproduct of Dad trying to do the right thing. Everything that transpired from that point forward happened as a result of a bad domino effect. I’m not blaming Dad for going to authorities, but I’m saying you can’t blame yourself.”

Mom studied me.

“Are you blamingyourself?” she asked. “Is that why you seem so upset?”

I pressed the space between my brows, where a headache was emerging. “Spending time with Grayson,” I said quietly, “is harder than I thought it’d be. Before everything happened, I had feelings for him. I thought those feelings would go away as soon as I discovered his role in…you know.”

I wanted to cling to the appropriate feeling I should have for him—anger, maybe even hate. Yet when I looked into his eyes, I saw a man haunted by his own demons, a pawn in a twisted game he never asked to play.

Could I really condemn him for the sins of others?

Mom pursed her lips.

“You’re mad at me,” I realized.

“I’m not mad.”

“I can hear it in your voice,” I insisted.

“Worried is more accurate.” She sighed. “There were many times I wanted to call the police, but Red convinced me that even though Grayson did what he did, he’d never hurt you.”

I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t even think of that—of course, Mom would be worried about me being alone with Dad’s killer.

“What did he say to convince you?” I wondered.

“He reminded me of Grayson’s actions. He saved you from that basement. He’s keeping you safe from Daniel. Everything he’s done has been to protect you.”

“But?” I pressed.

The cop said something to the person he was talking to. What was it? An order? Call 911?

“While I understand the complexities involved with…what occurred, and I appreciate everything he’s done to protect you…” She paused, folding her hands on the table. “Relationships are hard enoughwithoutthrowing in the role he played in your father’s death.”

Right. See, this was what I needed to hear. A good old reality slap in the face.

“I can’t forgive Grayson for what he did,” I tried to assure myself. “I understand it wasn’t his fault, exactly, but it doesn’t change the truth that he…”Killed Dad.

Mom took another slow sip of her coffee, then set the cup down with a sigh. “I don’t know if I can ever fully move past what happened, but Iamtrying to understand his situation.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “Why would you try to understand it?” Why would she give him that courtesy?

“I didn’t at first,” she admitted. “But without work or any other distraction, all I’ve had is time to think about everything that’s happened.” Her focus drifted to the boys. “And as far as Grayson goes, as much as I hated him after you told me he was the trigger man, keeping you alive was more important than my feelings.”

She shifted her attention back to me.

“And as much as I hate what he did, I’ve also seen him put his life on hold just to protect you. In the process, he’s putting himself in danger as well.” She wrapped her hands around her mug again. “That’s the part I struggled with the most. I wanted to either categorize him as the enemy who killed your father or the hero who’s saving your life.”

Emotion choked my voice.

“I didn’t want him to be both,” she admitted, her tone laced with agony. “But as I thought more about his past,” she continued, “from what you told me, Grayson was manipulated and lied to. He thought he was doing the right thing. It doesn’t erase his actions, but it makes them more…complicated.”

I shook my head. “We all have to take responsibility for what we do and the outcomes they create.”

Even though Grayson thought he was doing the right thing, following CIA orders, the result was that he ended the life of an innocent man. That fact would never change, and it scared me that I needed to keep reminding myself of that.

“That applies to your father, too, does it not?” she challenged. “He had the best intentions in his heart. But he did put you in danger because of it.”

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