Page 78 of Acid

Oh God, what is wrong with me?

“You and your sister…you’re my greatest achievements…I love you…” Dad croaks before his eyes close, and I can no longer feel his pulse. I scream before pressing my palms against his chest, trying to do CPR.

My tears fall harder as I look at the spot where Dad died. I miss him so much. He’d know what to do right now, how to help me.

My body shakes as years of suppressed emotions hit me hard.

I wanted to cut again…I still want to cut….

I can feel the sting in my arm; it’s calling me, and the voices are telling me just one little scratch won’t hurt, that it’ll stop the pain.

My eyes travel to the desk where I know there’s a small blade.

I squeeze my eyes tight again before punching the bag, my sobs wracking my body.

I’m pathetic….

“Perrie!” I hear shouted, but I ignore it and hit the bag harder. I feel pain shoot through my hand, but I continue hitting the bag left, right, left, right, before arms wrap around me from behind. His woodsy scent fills my senses, and I melt into Ollie, not surprised he found me.

“Breathe, Tinker, breathe for me, sweetheart,” he rasps against my ear, and my body shakes. My nails dig into his forearms, and he gently guides me away from the bag.

Slowly, he lowers us to the ring floor, setting me between his legs, and I lean against him, giving him my weight.

“Talk to me, Tinker…” he pleads as my tears fall.

He deserves the truth. He's going through therapy just because he wants me; I just hope he still wants me after my truths.

I sniffle and admit, “After Dad died, I accidentally cut my thigh. I was in so much pain, and I didn’t know how to deal with it, yet that one little cut s-silenced everything….”

His arms tighten around me, and he confirms gently, “You were a cutter?”

I nod once. “I was. Cass had found out and forced me to the gym, but it didn’t work, and I continued behind her back.” I sniffle. “After Dad died, I promised Cass I wouldn’t fight anymore, but then she left, and I couldn’t breathe, so I went to The Fight, and I realized fighting took away the urge to cut, and I stopped, but the urges hit sometimes.”

Ollie presses his lips against my neck, and asks in a whisper, “What happened tonight, sweetheart?”

My tears fall fast, and I admit, “I had a nightmare aboutthem, and when I woke up, I knew I was safe; I knew I was with you, but then I panicked because-because I knew you didn’t know everything. I was going to be sick, so I ran to the bathroom and slipped, cutting my arm, and then I-I….”

I can’t finish my sentence, I'm too ashamed, so he does it for me, rasping, “You had the urge to cut?”

I nod with a sob. “And it scared me. I’ve been hitting the bag, but the feeling consumes me.”

“Fuck, Tinker…. You should have woken me,” he says calmly. I shake my head.

“No, I couldn’t. I-I I’m not a good person, Ol,” I admit, and he turns me in his arms, lifting me so I can straddle him. His eyes are hard, a scowl in place, and I sniffle. “After the rape, I-I had found out I was pregnant….”

His body tenses, his jaw locked.

“I wanted to die when I had found out,” I admit. “I went to the hospital and spent four hours convincing them I didn’t need therapy, just a termination. I wasn’t strong enough to have it. I’m not a good person.” I sob.

Ollie grips my cheeks, wiping away the fallen tears, and growls, “You’re the best fucking person I know, do you hear me? You going through with a termination, that makes you strong because I know your beliefs about that. I am so fucking proud of you, Perrie. As for not telling me, I understand, just like how you understood why I couldn’t tell you my past. It’s not something you can just blurt out.”

I cry, “But I’m broken, Ol. I couldn’t even have sex in any position other than standing and bending over. I couldn’t let anyone put their hands in the back of my hair, and I couldn’t even orgasm. And the thought of letting someone come inside me, even with a condom on, sent me into a panic. I spent years trying to get better, to overcome it, but nothing worked….”

“Good!” he snaps, and my eyes widen in shock, but he just smirks. “That means your first orgasm was mine!” I snort at his Alpha male words, and he just shrugs, admitting, “I don’t care how that shit sounds. It means all the best positions are mine becauseyouare mine.” He gently pecks my lips. “Trauma is a motherfucker, Tinker, but together, we’ll get through it. You trust me, sweetheart, because despite our first time at the diner, every other time I’ve come inside you without a condom. I know you’re on the pill, but you trust me….”

“With my life,” I admit, and he smiles.

“Exactly. I love you, Perrie, and the only thing that helps me get up in the mornings is you, always fucking you, my brave, kind-hearted woman. And next time you have a nightmare, the next time you have the urge to cut, you fucking call me, or you wake me up—I don’t give a shit what time it is. We’ll get through our pasts together because, for me, I can’t do it any other way. I need you, Perrie.”

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