Page 6 of Doozer

“Shut up. It’s my present and I can open it as slowly as I’d like,” I replied.

After removing the wrapping, I could see the gift was an over-the-counter pregnancy test, still sealed in its original packaging, and card which read, “It’s a Boy! It’s a Girl! It’s a Girl! It’s a Girl! It’s a Boy! It’s a Boy! It’s a Girl! It’s a Boy…”

“Wait,” I said excitedly. I turned to the aquarium and did a quick scan. “Bonnie and Clyde?” I held up the pregnancy test. “Does this mean…?”

Dr. Sinofsky smiled wide and his eyes lit up. “Mommy and daddy are resting comfortably at the private maternity ward, also known as my tank at home. Bonnie lay somewhere around two hundred eggs, which Clyde successfully fertilized. This time around Bonnie finally managed to successfully clean and guard her eggs, and now has sixteen thriving fry.”

“Congratulations,” I squealed and gave Dr. Sinofsky a hug. “I can’t wait to see them.”

“I knew you’d be as excited as I am. You’re always so kind to me. Letting me talk your ear off about my fish.”

“This is the best present ever. Thank you.”

“Well, that’s not the whole gift. Don’t you see?”

“What do you mean?”

“Once the fry are a little bigger, I’d love for you to choose a pair of your own. I have a tank for you as well,” he said excitedly. “You seem to have such a genuine curiosity and affection for these Discus, and I’d love for you to know the joy of raising a pair of your own.”

I’d already been touched to the core that Dr. Sinofsky had included me in his good news, but this was too much. My eyes began to well up, but I did not allow myself to cry. I’d learned to stow that shit away years ago.

“That is the sweetest gift anyone has ever thought to give me, and as much as I’d love to accept it, I can’t.”

“Why not?” He asked.

“I don’t have a permanent place to keep ’em. I have a room here in Portland, but I’m on the road most of the year, and when I’m not, I’m usually crashing on someone’s couch.”

“Speaking of the road. We’d better get back on it soon. I’ll go take this out to the truck and wait for you to finish up with the Doc,” Cowboy said, before adding, “Merry Christmas and thank you again. As always, the club appreciates your donations but not as much as the kids do.”

“Always happy to give, Cowboy. Be safe out there and remember to floss.”

Cowboy left and I thanked the doctor once more for his thoughtful gift.

Dr. Sinofsky turned his attention back to me. “Next time you’re here you can pick out your pair and I’ll keep them in the community tank. Should you ever find yourself settled down in one place for a while, I’ll have your tank set up and they can go home with you. You just let me know.”

Must not cry. Must not cry. Must not fucking cry.

“Okay, I’d better go help Cowboy. That barrel looked heavy and his back isn’t what it used to be,” I said and made a hasty retreat before I completely lost it.

Dr. Sinofsky’s dentist office was in a small strip mall right next to a popular record shop called Village Vinyl. As much as I appreciated much of the music they promoted, it was the type of hangout I tended to avoid as I had little tolerance for whiney suburban kids.

Immediately upon exiting Dr. Sinofsky’s office, I was hit by a huge cloud of cigarette smoke. I turned to see two hipster dudes puffing away directly outside the entrance of the record store. Their backs were turned to me and they were laughing loudly. Smoking so close to the building’s entrance was not only in clear violation of Oregon’s ten-foot rule, but extremely douchey considering their proximity to a pediatric dentist office. As I passed, I could see they were both wearing Village Vinyl staff shirts.

I despised the smell of cigarette smoke, and normally would have already told them off, but today’s visit with Dr. Sinofsky had put me in the Christmas spirit and I wasn’t about to spoil my good mood by even acknowledging these thoughtless assholes. Walking by, I said nothing. At least that was the plan. Until one of them flicked a lit cigarette butt onto the ground directly in my path.

I stopped dead in my tracks and my head snapped to the pair, who were completely oblivious to my presence. That was about to change.

“Excuse me,” I said, several times before finally getting the attention of the village idiots.

“Yeah?” the butt flicker asked, in a disinterested tone.

“I think you dropped something,” I said, giving him the opportunity to act like a decent human being and pick up his litter. “Plus, it would be great if you didn’t smoke so near the entrance of Dr. Sinofsky’s office,” I added.

He glanced down at the smoldering butt before turning back to his co-worker without a word.

I felt the Christmas spirit rapidly draining from my body.

“Hey,” I said. “You flicked your filthy butt on the sidewalk, right in front of me.”

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