Page 43 of Just Enough

It was New Year’s, and I managed to convince Benjamin to come over and spend it with me so that I could spend some more time with him before he left in the morning. I hadn’t spent any more time with him since the day after Christmas. It sucked, but I had to work at Crash’s.

Tiffany had also sent me an email of the cover she designed, and Benjamin was right beside me when I opened the attachment. Needless to say, we gushed about it for an hour. NO, the entire day. It was perfect for my story. She did a cartoon illustration of a purple gorilla that was made slightly to resemble a man and a brunette girl that he had draped over his shoulder. The background was a jungle.

Roger was quiet most of the day. He hadn’t even said much about my cover when I showed him. I had a feeling he was uncomfortable with Benjamin in our apartment. Benjamin, on the other hand, tried being friendly but at the same time, it looked like his Freddy might come out at any time as he hovered. I had to glare at him a few times. Not that it helped.

He finally went home. Roger told me he liked Benjamin after he left. I couldn’t tell if he was being sincere or just saying it so that I wouldn’t get a little offended. Coming from his perspective, I knew it was hard to accept his girlfriend having a guy best friend, so I felt guilty most of the day while Benjamin kept my attention.

I didn’t understand why I felt guilty. I never did in high school when it came to my boyfriends complaining about him. Benjamin and I were always the same. We weren’t shooting romantic hearts at each other; we were just friends.

I’d never felt any sort of high emotions from any guy that warranted me to say I was in love with them both as a person and sexually. Back to my point about romance being justblahhhh.Although… I did know the feeling of loving a guy as a person and that guy was Benjamin. I still couldn’t say I love you to Roger. I couldn’t say something that wasn’t there for me yet. Sexually though, Benjamin and I…there hasn’t ever…maybe there were high emotions between us though. With the way my chest got so incredibly tight and warm when he gave me praise…

I pictured Benjamin’s facial features and thought of him the way another girl might when she saw him.

Dark messy hair. Perfect straight teeth. The deepest dark eyes that slanted so beautifully, and when he didn’t have his contacts in and wore those dark-framed glasses that I swore turned him into sexy professor material. And his chin, ugh, it was rugged and perfected in a way that made him so very male. And when he was worried or pissed—and while I envisioned all this, I thought back to all the times I had seen his Freddy face and how incredibly good-looking he was even when angry—maybe especially when it came to my well-being, and something in my chest felt like it was bursting. I grabbed my chest and took a deep breath. Benjamin was long gone now, but my body was strangely uncomfortable and warm.

“Are you okay?” Roger scooted up on the edge of his cushion and gave me a concerned look.

And then I felt terribly guilty in a very real way that time.

“I’m fine.” I dropped my hand and stood up from the couch.

I just made a mistake. I just did something I’d never done before. Even though it was just a thought, and it was only me that felt it, I feared it. The hair on my arms was standing on end and I ran my hand through my hair.

I was uncomfortable. Uncomfortably flushed.

With something I wouldn’t dare admit.

______

Benjamin came to Crash’s to tell me goodbye as he left town again. I tried not to be sad or disappointed, but I was. I was also ignoring the Pandora’s box I’d opened inside my head with Benjamin as the visual. I still smiled when he came to say goodbye. I was happy he stopped in to let me see him one last time.

“Are you sad?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered truthfully. “Who knows when I’ll see you again.”

He tilted his head at me, his eyes searching mine. Something he always did, no longer felt the same. “There’s something I didn’t mention.”

“What?”

“I’m coming back home after this semester.” He grinned. “For good. I’m ready to help Dad with the dealerships now. I got my bachelor’s last semester, now I’m just going to be going.”

I jumped up and down. “Oh, my God! Why didn’t you tell me?” I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed tight. “This is great news.”

His arms came over my back. I was completely against him. My spot on his chest was right there for my nose… Only I was hesitating.

Everything felt strange.

He gazed down at me with something, something I thought I’d always seen before. “After this break, I know how much I want to be home now.”

I blinked. He stared. And stared. Then his lips connected with my forehead. And I thought he waited for me to kiss his cheek again.

But I didn’t.

I don’t know why I couldn’t.

The spirits that swam all through me kept me from doing so.

I was afraid of what they were, and what they might mean.

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