Page 78 of Fall From Grace

And neither would my feelings for Noah. I grew into him, and I loved him for too long and so deeply that his presence was never going to leave its place in my heart or mind.

That was maddening itself when you were trying to push him out while desperately seeking your father’s forgiveness.

Some nights I cried for Mom, other nights I cried for Noah, and the nights I cried for them both were the worst.

______

Noah had quit the football team senior year, I had only found out when Jack posted about missing him out on the field. Sara and Tiffany’s magic was slowly working on me again because it was easier to want to get out of the house as time passed. I ended up going to the movies with them or escaping to one of their houses on the weekend to take my mind off everything else. Instead of dwelling on the things I wish I could change, I started avoiding my thoughts with my actions.

I stayed busy. I smiled too much and laughed at things that weren’t funny. I flirted with Dustin at school and I’d feed him the illusion that I wanted him. I dyed my brown hair completely blonde, I actually liked it and thought Mom would have too. She was always into fashion and all the cool things, unlike me who was only ever into Noah.

My eighteenth birthday came that next November and I was left with another gift from Noah on the porch that he placed on the other side of the doorway. I knew Noah loved me and that was the reason he did it, but my knees hit the cold wood as I fell and cried as I stared at his creations. Mom’s voice drifted through my head like a ghost and I swear I could hear her saying how much she loved this one too.

When I thought I was doing better, it all came rushing back.

______

Graduation was near and everything was changing for everyone. We decided to stay or leave this town. I told Mom I’d think of my future and I hadn’t.

Only I couldn’t think of the future when I got on Facebook to see a picture of Noah that he was tagged in. It was a group picture but he was smiling and talking to some girl that wasn’t me. She was cute and I knew that look well, she liked Noah.

I felt like throwing up. The picture made me restless and I couldn’t stop wondering if Noah smiled and laughed like I did or if he was truly happy without me now. I hated the twisted way my mind thought. I started wondering if he touched another girl the same way he touched me and when I did, I started shaking because the thought killed me. Once again, I wasn’t moving on andhewas.

When Sara asked me to go to the bonfire Mark was throwing for our graduation, I said yes because I felt like it was time for me to change. I needed to fully commit to letting Noah go, but first I needed the ability to stop thinking about him to do it.

In my head, I heard Sara and Tiffany rambling on about how I needed to experience more than Noah. They always said how could I know Noah’s the one when I hadn’t tried any others? The words were calling to me tonight and I began to wonder if maybe I could find someone that could make me forget the way Noah made me feel. Maybe there was someone better, someone that I was allowed to love and touch and keep without feeling the guilt.

Sara handed me a drink, then it becamedrinks, and soon I felt freer than I’d felt in a long time. Everything felt and looked so loopy. Tiffany steered me away from the fire as I laughed. And when a guy from my class named James approached me, I didn’t stop him when he kissed me. Even with the alcohol giving me that freeing feeling, it wasn’t enough to make James a better kisser, it wasn’t enough to send me free-falling. I let him kiss me, still hoping for a miracle until someone jerked my shoulder back. I looked up to see Dustin lifting me to my feet.

“Okay, pretty sure you don’t want to be kissing James,” he told me as he seated me on a different log.

“I did,” I corrected him as I almost fell backward, I would have if it weren’t for him catching me.

He frowned at me. “You make me sad, Grace.”

I smiled, leaning into him. “Why? Do you want me to kiss you instead?” I slurred, leaning in to kiss him.

He held me away from his face with a sigh. “No, I mean. You acting this way, it’s not you. It’s like you’re begging someone to ruin you.”

I pulled away from him to stand but he planted my butt back down. “I didn’t come here to get lectured.”

“I know,” he muttered. “You came here to feel numb. Too bad it’s not what you’re gonna get.”

Sara came to my rescue. “Leave her alone, Dustin. She needs to let go and live a little.” She pulled me up and he let her. “But even I know it’s just not you to go kissing someone to forget Noah,” she told me once we were away from him.

I swallowed and looked down at our feet. When I looked back up, my eyes widened. Tiffany was kissing another girl. Sara saw my expression and smiled. “She’s been meaning to tell you, but you’ve been… ya know, weird about Noah and losing your mom.”

“How long?” I asked.

“She’s been dating Brittany for a few weeks. It’s not a phase, Grace, she’s bi.” I looked back at Tiffany and smiled as I watched her laugh and kiss the other girl. She looked happy. Just what kind of friend have I been not to have noticed? “No need to look guilty. She understands you’ve been dealing with a lot… Let’s just pretend you didn’t see so she can tell you herself, okay?” I smiled and nodded. Sara stopped abruptly and I looked at her. She pointed ahead, and my chest seized.

Noah stood a couple of feet in front of us, only his eyes weren’t smiling as he took me in. I shrank back in my skin as I turned to step away from Sara and stumbled in front of her. “Grace!” Sara screamed because I was too close to the bonfire.

I didn’t have to see who it was that yanked me back, but I did and was met with his hard glare as he picked me up in his arms and carried me away from the fire despite my protest. “Let me go! What are you even doing here?” I growled.

“Dustin sent me a pic I couldn’t ignore so I came here to take your ass home.”

“I’m not going home,” I slurred and pushed at his chest.

---