Page 70 of Holly, Jolly, and Oh So Naughty

“Anyway.” I sniffle thickly and seek out some tissues. “Now Emma keeps asking about her friend, so I snapped at her and she cried, and I cried, and now I have no clue what to do because yesterday, I thought I was heading toward a fairytale Christmas and today, I’m just…” I stare dejectedly at the Santa Christmas paper Amelia brought with her. “Today, I feel like all the joy has been sucked right out of me.”

“You really fell for him again, huh?” Amelia murmurs, cupping my damp cheek. “I’m sorry. I was so happy for you, and seeing the way he looked at you, I was sure this time would be different. He really seemed like he wanted a future here.”

“I guess he did until he learned he would have to be responsible for a child,” I reply, my heart heavy with dejection. “It’s like hisdesire just shriveled up. He was so angry, too. Like I was the bad guy for keeping this a secret.”

Amelia watches me closely and her lips part as if she’s about to change her mind, then she shakes her head. “Where are the pressies?”

“Under the stairs,” I say, pointing behind me and through the door to the cupboard under the stairs. “But what was that look?”

Amelia stands and hurries through to the hall. “What look?”

“That look. The look you just gave me that’s like sad and not sad all at the same time.” I gulp my wine down while waiting for Amelia to return with the presents, and when she does I refill my glass.

“There was no look.”

“There was a look,” I insist. “Go on, say whatever you were going to say.”

Amelia sighs, crossing her legs as she settles beside me on the floor and picks up the scissors to cut the paper.

“Look. I’m with you on this, Lily. A thousand percent. And I’m not trying to justify anything because if you want to curse him out, then that is what we will do. But…”

“But?” I demand.

“From his perspective, he did just learn that not only did the woman he likes have his kid, but he also missed six years of his daughter growing up and apparently had no clue that you were ever pregnant. The dude probably just had the shock of his lifetime that you tried to reach out to him.”

“And his answer is to leave?”

“Given that he ran away when his father died, I’d take a guess that he needs space to process huge news like this.” Amelia smiles warmly and clasps my knee. “Like I said, I’m not justifying what he did. But maybe it wouldn’t hurt to give him a little time to work through things.”

“I didn’t want that, though.” I look over at my friend. “I wanted him to tell me that he was sorry for leaving. That he wanted to be right here with me and Emma. I wanted him to promise that he wouldn’t leave and that he wanted us to be a family.”

“I know, honey, I know.”

“Does that make me a terrible person? Part of me is telling myself that I shouldn’t be upset because I saw this coming and I knew he would leave because why would time change anything?” The tears well again, and I clutch at one of the stuffed animals I purchased for Emma’s Christmas. “And then the other part of me yearns for him to be here so that I can give Emma the family she deserves.”

“Okay, well for starters, you are all the family Emma needs, okay? You and your mom and dad. You do a fantastic job, okay? And second, you’re not wrong for wanting those things. By all accounts, everything was going good, right? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with hoping that you can get the fairytale ending.”

“Mmhmm.” I nod along to Amelia’s words, fighting to keep the tears at bay.

“You couldn’t anticipate how he would react. That’s not on you. You did what you thought was best for you and Emma, and no one can fault you for that. Certainly not him.” Amelia gentlytosses a strand of green ribbon toward me. “Don’t beat yourself up, okay? Be sad, sure, but don’t punish yourself.”

If only it were that easy to follow her advice. We settle into an amicable silence with an old Christmas movie on the TV and the bottle of wine rapidly draining while we wrap presents.

Emma’s are secured first just in case she decides to come hurrying down those stairs and walk in on us. Once they’re out of the way, I wrap up the presents I have for my parents and Amelia uncorks the second bottle of wine.

Alcohol makes the tears come faster, but it’s somewhat therapeutic to cry it all out with my best friend, even if we are surrounded by festive things for the supposed happiest day of the year. Amelia talks about work and her plans to go visit her parents next year while also gleefully informing me that Mark was fired and will be nowhere near me or my daughter ever again.

By the time the second bottle is empty, there’s a nice stack of presents around the tree and my heart isn’t as heavy as it was a few hours ago. Amelia and I lounge next to each other, watching the next Christmas movie through a haze of alcohol.

“You know,” Amelia says suddenly, “you should come out with me for my work Christmas night out on Christmas Eve.”

“And get absolutely hammered?”

“No,” Amelia scoffs. “Although that would be funny. Just come out with us, have a nice meal, and do something really fun. Take your mind off things and destress before the big day. Let me cheer you up properly and you can see that Christmas can still be joyful?”

“I’m in Grinch mode now,” I mutter, tilting my empty wine glass around my leg. “Won’t I be intruding?”

“Lily, I’m asking you to come. No one will care. We can have a really girly night and you can forget all about Mr. Tall, dark, and handsome. At least for one night.”

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