Page 14 of A Tinsel Tale

I look over at Dee and burst out laughing. “We’ve recruited another Swiftie.”

“She dances up a storm every time I play her.”

“Adorbs,” I say, ruffling Eloise’s silky blond hair. I inhale her baby scent as I lean over and peer into the bag. “What else ya got in there?”

Her chubby hand reaches into the bag and pulls out a puzzle box with a picture of farm animals. I point to each one and Eloise recites them easily. “Good job!” She giggles and bounces on my lap.

“We’ll put this together later,” I say. “What else is in there?”

She squeals when she pulls out a soft fuzzy pink plush purse with her name and My First Purse embroidered on the front. Inside is a cloth cell phone that rings when you push it, a soft compact mirror, a credit card with crinkle, and a set of plastic keys on a ring.

“That will keep her occupied for a bit,” Dee says. “Good score.”

“Right? I want one.”

Dee sits down beside us, and we watch Eloise play with her new toys.

I look up and catch Dee studying me. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. You’re looking at me like you’re at my funeral.”

She snorts. “Am not! It’s just that I worry about you sometimes. I mean most of the time I’m jealous of your exciting career and living in a big city and all but then I catch glimpses of sadness and I wonder if you’re really happy.” She shrugs, looking embarrassed.

“I’m happy enough.”

She smiles. “Sometimes when I’m changing my fifth diaper of the day or slogging through laundry, I’ll wonder,what is Evie doing right now?” She glances over at Eloise to make sure she’s occupied, and continues, “And I feel like I’m missing out on something, like life is passing me by. I feel guilty even thinking that way. I wouldn’t trade my baby for anything in the world... it’s just hard sometimes. Ya know? Now I’m about to have another one. But I know this is going to go by so fast and I want to slow it down. Except when I’m bored.” Dee laughs. “I sound like a crazy person.”

“No, you don’t. Like is full of paradoxes. I hate to burst your bubble, but I don’t lead a very exciting life… I mean, I have to admit I’m a workaholic. Surely you know this about me,” I say.

Dee touches my arm. “I see how good you are with Eloise, and I catch a hint of longing… sorry, I hope it’s okay to say that, and it reminds me that the grass often looks greener on the other side. Probably for both of us.”

I look down at Eloise, her angelic little face, her purity, and I do wonder what it would be like to be a mom. “You aren’t wrong. When I’m in Chicago I barely have time to breathe, so I rarely think about what’s missing. When I’m here everything slows down and I start to question what the heck I’m doing with my life. The hectic pace… the stress… it doesn’t feel sustainable. I miss you and Dad and my horses.”

“And Jamie?” she asks, wincing slightly as if afraid she had gone too far.

I bristle. “What about him?”

“Come on. It’s me you’re talking to.”

“He blew it. Anyway, isn’t he still seeing that blonde he brought to mom’s funeral?”

“That was short-lived. As far as I know he’s as single as you are.”

“I don’t want to be having this conversation. Jamie and I were a lifetime ago. We were kids. Let go of that fantasy. Reality is, sometimes we don’t get our happily ever after.”

“I don’t want you to wake up in twenty years and have regrets.”

“I love you,” I say with a sigh. “But you don’t need to worry about me. I’m figuring things out.”

“Mama,” Eloise says, holding up her set of plastic keys. “We go bye-bye.”

“She’s so smart,” I say and Dee beams.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m going to burst with love,” she admits.

“Wait till she sees the princess castle play set,” I say. Dee peers into the bag and grabs the castle by the handle and unzips it for Eloise, so she can pull out the plush toys inside.

---