Page 89 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

But I had to. Goodbyes had to be said, whether we wanted to say them or not. Like sakura, the cherry blossom tree she loved, taught—nothing lasted forever. And I—weall—had to accept that fact. We could believe in another life, find meaning in the universe or whatever we believed happened next.

But goodbyes, in some form, would always have to be made on this Earth.

I offered my hand to Cael. He didn’t hesitate. He slipped his calloused,tattooed hand into mine. And he squeezed it twice. I cast him a watery smile. Tears already built in my eyes. My throat clogged, but I managed to say, “Will you stay with me …” I took in a deep breath. “For this final entry?”

Cael blinked against his own tears and said, “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” His voice was hoarse, his Boston accent thick. He was enduring his own pain, but he was there for me too.

The hotel we were staying in was traditionally Japanese. Low tables and paper partitions separating sections of the room. And each hotel room had a private, secluded view of a perfectly manicured garden. Clutching on to Cael’s hand, I led him to the cushioned low seating outside and sat down. He cradled me into his arms, his tall and broad body creating a protective shield around me.

I stared out at the lowering sun and to the stars that were beginning to shine. The universe was vast and imposing, so eternal that it should have felt overwhelming. But there wassomething, I thought, something comforting about all the people in the world looking up at the same stars and moon every night, no matter where they were.

I smoothed my hand over the notebook one more time. Smiled at Poppy’s handwriting. This notebook had once been so terrifying to me. I had avoided it, kept it hidden in a drawer in my room. Now, it was a source of peace.

It was my personal line to a sister who loved me beyond compare.

Cael leaned in close and pressed a whisper of a kiss on my neck. He trailed his kisses up to my cheek and into my hair. I closed my eyes as he did, hearing birdsong in the dark branches of the surrounding trees. I smiled as I heard the infectious sound of Travis and Dylan laughing from another part of the garden.

Life, I thought … it really was a beautiful thing.

“I’m ready,” I said quietly, recognizing the importance of this moment. It was almost sacred. To me, it was. Cael’s arms circled me and held me up, and I turned to the final page.

My stomach turned when I looked at Poppy’s writing. It wasn’t as neat as the beginning pages had been. Throughout the notebook, I could see her growing tired. Her penmanship was weaker, but her words to me were anything but.

I remembered these days. I remembered seeing her bedbound. Her breathing so labored that she’d had to wear an oxygen line day and night. Her skin had been sallow, and her eyes had looked too big on her face. She had lost weight. But she had still been as beautiful as the petals she watched begin to fall outside her bedroom window. I inhaled a long, steadying breath, then read my sister’s goodbye to me. The little sister who had adored her big sister with her entire heart.

Savannah

I’m afraid the time has come. As I write this, my hand is struggling to hold the pen. And honestly, I can feel the heavy pull of death pressing down upon me. I don’t want you to worry. It doesn’t feel oppressive. It doesn’t feel sad or scary.

It feels like I am being called home.

People fear death. See it as dark and terrifying. But I am here, at the end, and it feels anything but. It is a heady lightness that hovers close. I can smell flowers all around me. I don’t know why, but I like to think it’s Mamaw taking her place by my side, to guide me through these final hours. Until she leads my soul from my broken body. And I will be revived. I will be strong once again. I will leave with the last of the cherry blossoms.

Rune is beside me now. He has fought sleep for so many days. He took me to prom, Savannah. He danced with me to my favorite song, and he hasn’t let me go once. Right now, he is asleep beside me, his arm holding me close.

You have just been in and sat beside me too. You didn’t say anything, but we sat next to each other and watched the petals outside of the window fall like summer rain.

That was you, Savannah. The quiet in my storm. My solace. My steady breath. The beat of my heart.

I hope when you read this, you are healed. I hope as you read this final entry, you feel stronger. And believe that I am no longer in pain. Believe that I am walking beside you through life. I pray that you areable to look up at the sky and smile, knowing that I am still alive. That I am home where I belong, patiently waiting to have you back in my arms once again.

I love you, Savannah. As I write this, tears are falling from my eyes. But they are not tears of pain or anger. They are tears of joy, because how lucky was I to have had you as a sister? How fortunate am I to have had such a beautiful soul such as you in my life?

I cannot wait to look down upon you and see you truly happy. You are living your life with purpose, and you are loved by the most perfect person. I cannot wait to see you love them back. Cannot wait to watch where life takes you.

Please, look after yourself, Savannah. Be happy. That is all I want for you. To be happy. Because happiness is everything. And love. Love so hard and so deeply that it radiates from your very soul.

Live. I am smiling now. Just imagining your beautiful face full with joy and love and life.

Savannah, being your sister has been a blessing. And even though I’m no longer on this Earth, I will always be your big sister. Talk to me often. I will hear you. I have loved every moment of growing up beside you. My sister. My best friend. You are a part of me, just as I am a part of you. That can never be extinguished.

That can never die.

I must go now. I am becoming too tired. But remember, I love you more than all the stars in the sky.

All my love forever,

Your very proud big sister,

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