Page 82 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

My heart twisted at the thought of leaving this group behind. I might not have been the most inspiring member of our mismatched group, but I’d come to care for them all—deeply. None more so than the petite blond beside me, who was leaning over and looking at a café location that Lili was showing her.

I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and held on as she talked to the girls. I hadn’t known it was possible to miss someone before they’d actually left you, but that’s where I was with Savannah. Each day spent here was one step closer to having to say goodbye to the girl who had become my world, my pillar holding me up. My only solace was that she was coming to New England in the fall.

How I’d cope without her until then was anyone’s guess.

“Let’s go,” Savannah said, wrapping her arm around my waist. I raised my eyebrow. “What?” she asked playfully. “You don’t want a cup of coffee while being jumped on by cats?”

A humored smirked pulled on my lip. It was so rare for me to smile lately, the act felt strange. Clearly, Savannah thought the same, as her gaze softened at my flicker of a smile.

As for Savannah, she was doing incredible. She was still introverted—that was just who she was. But there was a lightness to her now. A sense of peace radiated from her pores.

And she hadn’t had an anxiety attack for weeks.

I knew Japan was special to her. She’d told me about Poppy’s desire to see the cherry blossom trees here. She’d never made it.

Even I felt goose bumps break out along my skin when I realized we had arrived in Japan when most of the cherry blossoms were in bloom. Like I felt about Savannah, it felt like something bigger had conspired to have her here when the trees she associated with her sister were in full flower. We had seen some in Tokyo. But in a couple of days, we were to travel to Kyoto. That was where we would take part in the cherry blossom festivals.

I wanted to be excited. I wanted to feel at peace and feel stronger. But I didn’t. I’d been talking to Leo a lot still. I knew I was behind the group now. I wouldn’t be going home healed. I’d be going homeraw. And there was a part of me that feared what I’d become without this group. Without Leo and Mia, and especially Savannah. Would I sink further into sadness, or would the anger I’d fought so hard to cast away come rushing back the minute I was faced with the triggers of home?

Leo and Mia had offered me more help. The truth was, reframing my thoughts about Cillian taking his own life was no longer my biggest issue. It was that, for a year now, I couldn’t get the way he’d died from my mind. How I had witnessed it.Sawhim. Held him and watched him die.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw it. When I felt tired, I saw it. I heard a car horn, a screech of tires, and I was thrust back there, Cillian in my arms, broken and fuckinggone.

I recalled the conversation I’d had with Leo only a few days ago during our one-on-one …

“Cael, Mia and I have been talking, and we think you’d benefit from further help.”

I didn’t even react but for a small turn of my stomach. The truth was, I knew it. I felt it. I nodded my head. I would do whatever was needed. I wasn’t even going to put up a fight. What I had witnessed was traumatic, and, I knew, it would take me longer to heal. If I wanted to be better for Savannah, for my parents, for me, I had to keep going.

“After this trip, we’ll find you help at home.” Leo paused, then said, “We think a residential program might be best. To really dig deep and help you through.” Leo waited until I met his eyes. “Is that something you’d be willing to do?”

“Yes,” I said. I pictured Savannah’s face again. “I’ll do whatever it takes.”

“Come back to me,” Savannah said, breaking through that memory. Her hands were on my face, in the center of Tokyo, thousands of people milling around us like they were water running around our stationary rock. I breathed and felt like crumbling. I was getting so tired of dealing with this grief.

It was destroying me.

As I looked at Savannah, I just knew I was going to destroy her too if I couldn’t get a handle on this. I hadn’t told her about the extra help back home. The truth was, I didn’t want her to worry.

“I’m here,” I rasped. I looked around us. Our friends had gone.

Savannah must have seen my confusion. “They’ve gone to the café.” She took my hand in hers. “Come on; we’ll go somewhere else.”

I stopped her from pulling me away. “No,” I said, forcing a tight smile. “We’ll catch up with them.” I took a breath that I prayed would give me strength. Savannah didn’t look convinced. “We don’t have long left. We want to spend more time with our friends.”

“Only if you’re sure,” Savannah said after searching my face.

I put my arm around her shoulders and led her across the street. “I’m sure, Peaches. I can’t think of anything more exciting than being attacked by kittens while I try to eat.”

Savannah’s short peal of laughter was like a ray of light piercing through my overcast sky. “I note your sarcasm, Mr. Woods, but I’m gonna let it slide this time. I want nothing more than to know how you handle twenty kittens all vying for your attention.”

So we went to the kitten café, and I buried my sadness for another day. It was par for the course, these days.

“I am Aika and I’ll be working with you today.” Aika was a five-foot slim Japanese woman with black-and-gray hair tied back in a bun. She smiled a lot and exuded a sense of peace with every breath she took. She looked to be in her sixties and had a studio in the center of Tokyo.

We were in a large, vacant space with bright white walls. There was a table before us, stacked with plates. We all lined up in front of it, and Aika stood before us.

“Before you, you will see a stack of plates. I would ask you all to take one.”

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