Page 75 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

Savannah,

I think the hardest part of my illness is seeing how it has impacted all of you. I remember one particular day you and Ida came to see me in the hospital. I had just been told that my treatment plan was failing, and I only had months left to live. And Savannah, I remember meeting your eyes and knowing you understood that. That I was dying. I had made peace with it. But feeling you crumble into my embrace was one of the worst moments of my life.

There is nothing worse than seeing those you love taken down by sadness. It hurts so badly because it is out of your control. And I pray with all my heart that my last few months were beautiful. I never want to let darkness consume me, even in the most dire of circumstances.

I hope when you read this, your life is full of love and light. If it isn’t, my task to you is to work to let that light in. Bathe in grace, and light and hope will spread to those around you. Infect them with joy. Cover them with a love so unyielding that they have no choice but to feel that love in the marrow of their bones.

As I sit here now, I pray that I have done that for you. For Mama and Daddy, for Ida. And for Rune, who was so hurt by my absence when he was in Norway, I didn’t know if he could ever feel joy again. But I seehim smile more and more every day. He walks beside me, the soulmate I always knew him to be.

Search for happiness, Savannah. Then spread that happiness and hope to all you meet. Especially those who need it most. You are my ray of sunshine. And always will be. I know you can be that for those who need it too.

Sending you love,

Poppy

Savannah

I tied my hair back in a French braid and put simple gold stud earrings in my ears. I smoothed the creases from my shirt and pants. I was ready. The pounding of my heart felt so strong I thought I’d be able to see it underneath my shirt. But I dug deep, worked on my breathing, and kept my spine straight.

I can do this,I told myself. I closed my eyes and silently said,Poppy, please place your hand on my back and hold me through this.

I opened my eyes and felt the sting of tears prick at my eyes. But I kept them away and turned to Cael, who was sitting on the bed in my room. Leo allowed him to be in here during the day as long as the door was kept open. He’d been here this morning at first light. Leo had already checked on us several times. Checked on Cael. Leo had barely left his side since his breakthrough.

Cael was watching me, sadness in his gaze. The past few days had been rough for him. And it broke my heart. After listening to the group of men a few days back, and after speaking to Simon, who had helped him reframe his thoughts, Cael had been struggling so badly.

I turned and sat beside him. Cael stretched out his hand. If possible, the last few days had brought us even closer. I watched him cry. Insomnia heldhim in its grip. He was racked with pain. But I held him through it all. And in those hours when he was most lost and his heart felt bruised, it occurred to me that I had moved past that stage. Since being on this journey with Mia and Leo and my new friends, with Cael, I had somehow grown stronger.

I had found ways to move on.

Warmth traveled through my veins, and I remembered Poppy’s words in her journal.“Search for happiness, Savannah. Then spread that happiness and hope to all you meet. Especially those who need it most. You are my ray of sunshine. And always will be. I know you can be that for those who need it too.”

“How are you feeling?” Cael asked, his voice raspy.

My stomach turned. “Nervous,” I said and ran my lips over our joined hands. Cael reached up to place his free hand on the back of head and pulled me close. He kissed me, lightly and compassionately. I fell into his arms, and my heart swelled. As broken as he felt right now, he was still there for me, always checking that I was okay.

I stared at the sun outside of the window. “I’m scared I won’t be able to cope with seeing it. Seeing the patients.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Especially those who won’t make it.”

Cael held me tighter and pressed a trail of kisses over my hair. I could see Poppy in my mind. When she was sickest and frail, skin sallow. I saw her in the early days of treatment when her hair was gone and she lay on the hospital bed, what seemed like a million wires stuck into her skin. I pictured her near the end, when she lay in a coma and we thought we would never get to speak to her again, to give her our final goodbyes.

But if I was to become the doctor I wanted to be, I had to face this. I had to try. For Poppy. For children like her. For families who put their children’s lives in the palms of the doctors who tried their utmost to save them.

This would be my first step to realizing that dream. The dream I was determined to fulfill in honor of my sister. In honor of my Mama and Daddy, of me and Ida and all the families that had been victims of cancer.

“I can do this,” I said, wiped my tears, and sat up straighter.

I kept my eyes downcast, not as confident as I was making out, but Cael placed his hands on my face, cupping my cheeks, and brought me to his eyeline. “There is no one I know who could do this more.”

“Baby …” I said and rolled my head into his touch, kissing his palm.

Cael brought me back to his lips, kissing me once for courage, then said, “I’ll be here for you when you get back.” I heard the subtext in his tone. Here for me, if I was broken by this exposure therapy. Destroyed by the sick children I would see today.

A knock sounded on the door and Mia poked her head into the room. “Ready, Savannah?” I nodded. Mia smiled, then looked to Cael. “Leo is waiting for you, Cael.” Giving Cael one last kiss, I got to my feet and walked out the door, only glancing to Cael one more time for strength. He gave me a ghost of a smile that I knew he must have fought to wear. I then walked with Mia until we reached a car that would take us to the children’s hospital.

“How are you feeling?” Mia said as we pulled from the safety of the retreat.

“Nervous,” I said. “But …” I took a fortifying breath. “But ready, I think.”

“You’ve come so far, Savannah,” she said, and I heard the pride in her voice. “You have made incredible strides.”

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