Page 69 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

“Mia and Leo want us to go up to the school after this for games,” Savannah said, pulling me from my thoughts.

I nodded absently when I saw Savannah waiting for an answer. She stepped in front of me and put her hand on my bare shoulders, head tilted to the side. “Are you okay? You’ve been distracted since we came here.” Savannah’s eyes were worried. She bit her lip anxiously.

Varanasi had done something to me. Since leaving India, I hadn’t felt settled. I didn’t quite know why—no, I did. There, I had felt at peace. Like I had at the Lakes in England. But placing the candle in the River Ganges, that one simple act, had somehow paralyzed me. I had felt the dark cloudthat often accompanied me slowly moving back overhead as that candle drifted away from me. I had tried everything to ignore it, but it was there, sticking close by.

“I’m okay,” I said to Savannah, seeing light fade from her eyes. She knew I was lying. But I didn’t know what to tell her. I felt down. Flat. Seeing that candle sailing away … it had shuttered something within me. I didn’t know how to explain it.

Savannah placed her palm on my cheek. “I’m here for you. Always.” I nodded, trying to push away the lump that immediately clogged my throat. I nodded, because Iknewshe was. I loved her so much. And better yet, I felt the love she had for me every day. “You can talk to me about anything,” she added.

She cast me a watery smile, then picked up another piece of wood. She handed it to me. “Next one.” I took it and subtly wiped a tear from my cheek. If Savannah saw, she didn’t let me know.

The yard was full of kids playing. Travis and Dylan were in the middle of a competitive game of tag with what looked like a bunch of ten-year-olds. Savannah was reading with two girls who looked about six. Lili was drawing with a small group of eight-year-olds under a tree, and Jade was singing nursery rhymes with what looked like kindergarteners.

I stood off to the side, unsure of where I fit in. Leo spotted me across the yard and made his way to me. I was leaning against a tree, a pit in my stomach as I watched these little kids play. There was laughter and happiness. They’d lost so much, yet they seemed to have found a way to move on.

All except one. A little boy who looked about nine or ten sat off to the side on his own. He watched the other kids with what looked like envy. I felt like I was looking at a reflection of myself. He was clearly in pain and didn’t know how to interact with the others.

“His big brother died,” Leo said, and every muscle in my body tensed. My breathing came quicker. “He saved him. When the hurricane hit. He got Jacob—that’s the boy’s name—to safety, but he never made it out himself.”

I felt nauseous. My blood ran cold.

Leo nudged his head in Jacob’s direction. “He can speak English. They learn it in school.” My feet were planted to the ground. I felt the heavy weight of Savannah’s stare as she lifted her head from the book she was reading to her group of kids. I didn’t turn her way. Instead, I kept my attention on Jacob. The yearning in his eyes was as clear as day—a yearning to be with the other kids. But he wasn’t allowing himself.

I knew what that was like too.

My mind dragged me back to the past. It reminded me of Cillian taking me with him everywhere he went when I was about Jacob’s age. I wondered if Jacob’s brother had been like that too. He’d saved Jacob. My gut twisted. I couldn’t imagine the guilt Jacob probably lived with because of that. That lump was back in my throat, tears springing to the back of my eyes. Because I knew, if I had been in danger, that Cillian would have saved me too. If we had been in that hurricane, I knew, deep down, that Cillian would have taken me to safety even if it meant sacrificing himself.

Before I even acknowledged it, my feet were carrying me across the yard and to the bench where Jacob sat alone. His shoulders tensed when I sat down beside him. I stared out over the yard. I smirked as a little kid trailed after Travis, trying to tag him. Travis screamed playfully when the kid got him—he was good with them.

I inhaled deeply and said to Jacob, “You don’t want to play tag?”

Jacob shook his head and played with his hands. His gaze was cast down. Was this how shut off I’d been all year? Was this how I’d looked to Stephan? To my parents? How I’d looked to Savannah?

“I’m Cael,” I said. Jacob flicked a look to me, then refocused on his hands. He was nervous. I got that. “You’re Jacob?”

He nodded but still gave me silence. I hated it. Not that he wasn’t speaking. But how this little kid had clearly lost his hero and didn’t know how to move on.

My heart slammed in my chest as I pulled up a mental image of Cillian. At his smile when he’d looked down at me.“You’ve got this, kid …”I could still hear his voice, as if he were sitting down on this bench with us too, guiding me. I closed my eyes and felt the warm breeze run over my face.“Help him,”Cillian’s phantom voice said. That was my brother. He was such a good person. And hell, I loved him so much.

I pictured him throwing his arm around my shoulders and taking me to watch the high school football games.“This is my little brother, Cael,”he would tell anyone who would listen.“He’s gonna be the next Gretzky,”he would say. My chest would fill with so much light I could have been made of the goddamn sun. He was so proud of me. Even just weeks before he passed, he would sing my praises …

“Yo, Cael!” he shouted from the bottom of the stairs. “Let’s go!”

“Where are we going?” I said as I threw on my jacket and raced down the stairs.

“Let’s go get food,” he said, and I followed him out to the car.

I buckled myself in and looked to Cill. He was wearing his Crimson Hockey jacket and track pants. That would be me soon, I thought. When we played together.

“Are you training well?” Cillian asked me.

I nodded. “Yeah,” I said. It was true. I was on fire. Nothing could touch me lately. Everything I’d worked for seemed to be fitting into place.

“You?” I asked.

“I don’t want to talk about me,” Cillian said. “I want to hear all about my little brother and how he’s gonna take the hockey world by storm.” I laughed and he laughed too. “You know that, right?” he said. “My teammates are already on countdown to you joining the Crimson.”

We pulled through the drive-through and Cillian ordered us burgers and fries. We shouldn’t be eating this crap in season, but I wasn’t going to argue with him.

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