Page 7 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

I looked up from where I was sitting on the edge of the hotel bed, lost in thought.

Ida stood before me, her long, dark hair down in soft waves and a dimpled smile on her pretty face. Mama and Daddy had brought me to New York to catch the flight to our first stop on the therapy trip. We were to meet in the airport, where I would meet the rest of the kids going, and our two therapists, of course. I had video-called with the therapists a few times and they seemed nice. It didn’t take my nerves away though.

Ida had refused to stay behind in Georgia, insisting on coming to see me off.

I pressed my hand over my closed suitcase. “I think so.” Ida had shared a room with me last night. She’d regaled me with stories from school and the latest gossip from the cheer squad she was part of.

If sunshine was personified, it was Ida Litchfield.

Ida dropped beside me on the bed and threaded her hand through mine. I stared at our intertwined fingers, her bright pink polish next to my clear. Ida placed her head on my shoulder, and just that simple act of sisterly affection brought a lump to my throat.

“I don’t want to go,” I confessed on a whisper, feeling the fluttering in my heart that ignited the anxiety I knew was preparing to strike.

Ida squeezed my hand. “I know …” She trailed off, and I knew she had stopped herself from saying more. I waited, unsure if I wanted to hear it. But then, with a shaky inhale she said, “But I need you to.” The sudden sadness in her tone was a knife straight through the heart.

I stilled at her confession and turned my head to look at her. She kept her face down, head tucked into the curve of my neck.

“Ida—”

“Please …” she said, quietly begging, then slowly raised her head. It gutted me to see her usually happy eyes crushed with sadness. A sheen of tears washed over her green irises. My heart began to race. Ida glanced at the window showcasing JFK Airport, then looked back to me. “I need my sister back,” she finally said, and I felt that knife slice even deeper. I wanted to say something, but guilt infused my cells, making it impossible.

“Losing Pops …” Ida trailed off, a lone tear spilling over her left cheek. I dusted it away with my thumb. Ida gave me an echo of a grateful smile.

She took a deep breath. “Losing Pops was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life.” I placed my free hand on her knee. “But seeing Mama and Daddy in the aftermath … seeingyou…” Ida paused, and I knew she was back there, reliving those first few months after Poppy’s death. The darkest days we had ever endured. The aftermath, theknowingthat nothing would ever be the same again. “Seeing what it did to you all … that hurt most of all. My family. My perfect, beautiful family was irreparably hurt, and I couldn’t do anything to make it better. Mama and Daddy were crumbling. Poppy,ourperfect Poppy had gone, and I missed her so much I couldn’t breathe, but …” Ida cut herself off.

I tugged her closer. “What? Please, tell me.”

Ida shifted and looked me in the eyes. “But I knew I had you. I wanted to cling to you, Savannah. To be sure you didn’t leave me too.”

My breathing stuttered. Ida was so young when it all happened. Old enough to remember it all but too young that it must have been almost impossible to process her grief.

“I used to sneak into your room at night, just to be sure you were breathing.”

I didn’t know.

“Ida—”

“I held on to the fact that although Poppy was gone, I knew she was in a better place. I could just feel it, in my heart. After all those years in pain. Fighting to live …” She shook her head. “I can’t explain how; I just knew she was watching over us. Whenever I thought of her, I felt a subtle kind of warmth wrap around me that I can’t even describe. At times, in our house, I felt her presence, like she was walking right beside me, sitting on the couch next to me.” She laughed in a self-deprecating way. “It brought me so much comfort. Still does. It probably sounds silly—”

“It doesn’t,” I said reassuringly. In fact, in the beginning, I’d prayed for that too. I had asked Poppy for a sign so many times and nothing had ever come. I’d just wanted to know she was okay. That her life hadn’t truly ended. That she was somewhere better than this world, laughing and loving, maybe reunited with our Mamaw, who she adored so much. That she still loved us and was around us, helping us cope with her irreparable loss.

“But the thing I’ve found hardest since we lost Poppy …” I held my breath, waiting for what she would say. Ida’s shoulders dropped and she whispered, “Was that awful day … I lost you too.”

Whatever had been left of my heart was obliterated, Ida’s words having the effect of a grenade. Ida’s hand became a death grip around mine. “I watched you fade, Sav. I watched you turn so into yourself that you became impenetrable. You built walls around your heart so high that no one could breach them.” Two more tears fell down her face. “Not even me. You locked us all out.” Ida exhaled a long, slow breath. “Just under four years ago, I lost two sisters, and …” Her voice caught and it destroyed me. She cleared her throat and rasped, “I just really, really want you back.”

The pain in her voice made me feel nauseous. Because she was right, wasn’t she? I had pushed everyone out. I’d let my little sister suffer and I’d done nothing to help her. But it wasn’t on purpose. The walls had built themselves without my direction and trapped me deep inside. And I’d let them.

I was still there now, but hearing what it was doing to Ida …

It took me too many minutes to speak, but on a deep breath, I confided,“I don’t knowhowto come back.” This time Ida wiped the tears from my cheeks. “I’ve been trying, Ida, I promise …”

“I know you have.” Ida wrapped her arms around me. The moment she did, my racing heart calmed a touch. “I’m so proud of you for how much you’ve tried, but I need you to go on this trip. Not just for me, and not just for Poppy, but foryou.” Ida pulled back and cupped my cheeks. There was so much love and encouragement in her eyes. “You deserve to live, Sav. You are so loved and so special, so smart and beautiful and kind, and youdeserveto be happy.” Ida’s throat became clogged again. “That’s all I want for you. Happiness. Pops would want that for you too.”

I stared at my sister and fought against the voice inside my head telling me to resist, that I didn’t need to go. That I was fine. That I just needed more time, more therapy with Rob back at home. Therapy that I had been having for years … that hadn’t worked … because nothing was working …

“Okay,” I said, betraying the fear inside of me, and held on to my sister tighter. Poppy had always been my older sister, the one I went to for everything. But I was Ida’s older sister now. The one she should be able to go to, to confide and trust in. So I had to try. For her, I would try.

A sudden knock on the door startled us. Ida laughed at how hard we jumped, and I found myself smiling too. “Girls, it’s time to go,” our daddy said from the hallway.

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