Page 55 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

I refused to let it consume me too.

Broken Hearts and Fractured Memories

Savannah

CAEL’S LARGE, STRONG BODY TREMBLED IN MY ARMS.IPRAYED THATIWASenough to comfort him, to hold him through this moment. I cried too. I cried as I replayed what he had told me. I cried for Cillian, and I cried for Cael.

He’d seen it.

He’d found him.

He’d cradled his older brother in his arms … I could only imagine the trauma that had left within him. The scars that must have seared onto his broken heart. I rocked him back and forth and couldn’t help but be thrust back into Poppy’s bedroom, my hand in hers after she had died. How naively I had thought that if I just didn’t let go, none of it would be real. That if I just stayed by her side, her eyes would open, and a miracle would have occurred. She’d believed in God so devoutly, so surely He would grant her a miracle and keep her with us all. The cancer would leave her body and she’d be healthy again. She’d get to live out her days with the people she loved most. She’d see our birthdays, weddings, and births of our future children. And we would see hers. We would see her marry Rune in the blossom grove that had become synonymous with them as a couple.

But that miracle never came. I knew now that when it came to death, they rarely do.

I curled myself over Cael and I let the floodgates open. My sternum ached as my chest racked with sadness. I didn’t think I had ever cried that much in my life before. I had always held it back, controlled it. But seeing Cael break, hearing the story of Cillian, and Cael finding him—seeinghim—wrecked me.

Cael’s endless tears soaked my dress. But I saw each of those falling tears as a blessing. He had lived with this for so long. Tried to hide it through tattoos and piercings. Listened to our group sessions with forced detachment and silence. EvenIhad participated, which several weeks ago would have seemed impossible.

Cael had needed this.

Ihad needed to see him face this too.

I stroked my hand through his dark hair. Somewhere along this journey, my heart had reached out and melded to his. Since Poppy, I had been so terrified of falling for someone. Scared by the thought of losing them too. But minute by minute on this trip, I had felt a magnet drawing Cael and me together, so powerful, it was impossible to resist. We had shared in a pain that people outside of this experience would never understand.

And right now, with him so distraught and vulnerable in my arms and my heart cracking in his shared pain, I came to the heady realization that I was in love with him. Head over heels, completely in love with this broken boy from outside Boston. I peppered kisses along his cheek and hair. His hands and fingers that were linked through mine.

“I’m so tired, Savannah,” Cael said, his depleted, softly spoken words tearing open my chest.

“Let’s go and sleep then,” I said and guided Cael to his feet. He was so tall and broad and physically strong. But everything in his gait screamed that he was fractured. With his arm over my shoulders and my arm around his waist, we walked back to the floor that held all our rooms. As I walked past my own, just the thought of leaving him alone made me feel nauseous. I didn’t want to be alone either.

As we entered the hallway, Leo was waiting. We stopped when we saw him. “How are you doing, Cael?” he asked. I had a feeling he’d been keeping an eye on him this entire time. In fact, I was sure he was.

“Tired,” Cael said, sagging beside me.

I looked up at Leo and saw the sadness on his face. “Please,” I said quietly. “Please … let me stay with him.”

“Savannah …” Leo said, shaking his head.

“Nothing will happen, I promise. We’ll sleep above the covers. Please … I just want to stay beside him,” I said, begging Leo with my eyes. I couldn’t leave him alone. My heart wouldn’t let me.He’s so broken,I tried to silently convey to Leo.He’s just opened up to me and told me everything. He’s too raw and vulnerable to be on his own tonight.

Leo walked back into his own room, then came back out carrying a chair. He placed it outside Cael’s room. “The door stays open, and I’ll be checking on you frequently,” he said. “Don’tbetray my trust.”

“We won’t,” I whispered. The relief Leo’s permission brought was consuming. I held Cael’s hand tighter and walked him into his room, leaving the door open. Gratitude, so strong and blatant, shone in Cael’s desolate gaze. I knew I’d done the right thing. Grief hurt worse when you were alone.

I brought him to his bed, and we lay down, fully clothed. Cael wrapped me in his arms and crushed me to his chest like it was the only thing anchoring him to hope. I held him back, just breathing in his sea salt scent. He kissed me on the top of my head and exhaled a long and defeated sigh.

“Thank you,” he said, and his words filled the hotel room.

“There’s nothing to be thankful for,” I said and nestled in closer. It was true. This was what we did for those we loved. We held them through darkness.

“He wasn’t a bad person,” Cael eventually said, and that just about broke my heart.

“Of course he wasn’t,” I said sternly and lifted myself up until I was propped onto my elbow. I ran my fingertips over Cael’s face. His eyes were bloodshot from crying, and his skin was pale yet blotchy from all his tears.

“He was just sad,” he said, almost more to himself than to me. “He was just too sad to carry on.” He blinked and chased fresh tears away. “And he wasn’t a coward.” My heart collapsed. “He was strong and brave and was the best person I ever knew.”

“He couldn’t be further from a coward,” I echoed. “He was strong until the end. Never believe otherwise.”

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