Page 48 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

“I could listen to that forever,” Cael said. It occurred to me in that moment that I’d still not heardhimlaugh. Not really. Not a true free laugh.

I let my forehead fall to his and held him close, suspended under the snowfall on a beach that was dressed in winter.

Cael kissed me again. A shorter kiss this time, but it was no less sweet. He sat down on the beach, then guided me to sit against him, situating me between his spread legs, my back against his front.

And we watched the falling snow in silence. I had to blink several timesto make myself believe that I was truly here. Nothing about this felt real. Not even Cael kissing me. I lifted my finger to my lips. They were warm from the many kisses we’d shared.

I’d had my first kiss.

I’d had my first kiss from a boy who was fast becoming the center of my world.

“Find your Rune …”

As Poppy’s letter to me circled my mind, I noticed a familiar sight above me. “Orion’s belt,” I said, pointing to the three stars in the sky. A memory filtered down and I explained, “When we were younger, we—Poppy, Ida, and I—used to say that those stars were meant just for us.” I shook my head, grasping on to the happiness that memory inspired and not the sadness that was trying to follow. Cael pushed back my long hair from my neck and kissed the skin just below my ear. Shivers trickled down my spine at the featherlight touch.

“You’re a good person,” he said and caused me to still.

“You are too,” I said, after turning to meet his eyes.

He looked tortured. Clearly realizing I had noticed, he said, “He didn’t tell me,” and it broke my heart when I knew he was referring to Cillian. Snowflakes kissed his cheeks and eyes, clung like tiny angels to his dark, wavy hair. “He didn’t tell me he’d fallen into darkness. And I didn’t see the signs.” I squeezed his hand, but this time it wasn’t to remind him to push these feelings away. I wanted him to know that I was here for him.

Some things should never be pushed away when they are ready to be shared.

I knelt between his legs and placed my hand on his cheek. I searched his desolate gaze. “I can’t speak on your brother’s behalf. But sometimes we keep things to ourselves, so soul destroying that they can tear us apart inside.” I kissed his cheek, the corner of his mouth, then finally his lips. “Sometimes, people don’t let their loved ones know how much they are hurting because they don’t want to bring them pain too.”

Cael’s eyes shimmered, and I caught a stray tear with my finger before it could fall. I cradled it in my hand. It was a tear of Cael’s growth. “He loved you, Cael,” I breathed, needing to be his strength right now. “Of that I have no doubt.”

Cael’s breathing was heavy, and then he said, “I’ve felt so alone for so long, Peaches.” My heart shattered apart. Because I had too.

“You’re not alone anymore,” I said, voice strong and unwavering.

Cael kissed me again, then held me to his chest. I sat between his legs again, his arms wrapped around me like he would never ever let me go.

The snow fell silently around us—a heady juxtaposition to the golden beach it landed upon. Stars were full above us and plentiful between the clouds. Linking my fingers through Cael’s, I said, “What did you think of the northern lights?” Cael tensed underneath me. I simply held his hand tighter.

“They were incredible,” he said, “But … I think part of me that should experience joy is numb.” I leaned back against him. “Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel anything to its entirety again. Anger was the only thing that ever made me feel something. Maybe that’s why I held on to it for so long. Maybe, even though it was toxic, it was better thannothing.” I let that sit in the air between us for a few minutes.

“Poppy believed in heaven,” I said and found myself staring at Orion’s Belt again. “She was never sad that she was dying,” I said, trying to keep the hurt from my voice. “I could never understand how she didn’t fear what she was facing. But her faith was so strong it left no room in her heart for doubt.”

“What do you believe?” Cael asked, hugging me tighter.

“I honestly don’t know,” I admitted. “I have always loved science. Like the definitive answers it can give.” I shrugged. “But there are no definites when it comes to death—except that we will all face it, one day.” I lifted our joined hands and ran my free hand over Cael’s fingers; they were rough but felt so perfect against mine. “After Poppy passed, I read everything I could on the scientific research around death. But the truth is, we won’t ever know what happens until we get there.” I pointed our joined hands up at the sky. “Stars are energy, and people are energy too. The entire universe is made of energy. Some see that as science, and some people refer to that energy as God.” I shook my head. “I lean toward science. It feels most right to me.” I sighed at the heaviness these questions posed. “All I know is that there’s something bigger than I can ever comprehend.”

I smiled as a shooting star flew across the sky. “I like to think of Poppy as a star.” The sacrifice that cost me to admit was all-consuming. I hadn’t tolda single person that. Not even my therapist. Not my parents, not even Ida. “That probably sounds ridiculous.”

“It doesn’t,” Cael said, his understanding tone immediately putting me at ease. “It’s beautiful,” he said, and in that moment, I fell for him just that little bit more.

I stared at the snow and the stars that were looking down upon us. “The sky looks more beautiful now that I know she’s up there,” I said and felt a walled off part of me collapse. “The stars are brighter, knowing she lives among them.” I smiled to myself. “Some nights I sit for hours trying to find her. But it’s impossible. Then I’m confronted with just how many stars there are in the sky. And I’m reminded of just how many millions of people have lost someone they love too. Grief makes you feel isolated and alone. But the truth is, it’s the least lonely state to be in.”

I turned in Cael’s arms and wrapped my arms around his neck. “Is this okay?” I whispered.

“Of course,” he said, and he searched every inch of my face. “You’ve made this trip so much better for me,” he said and kissed my lips. “You’re making mylifebetter.” I embraced him on this snowy beach, under a sky full of endless stars.

We were making each other better. And as Cael steered back my head and claimed my mouth in another kiss, I allowed myself to fall fully. No holding back, no fear in my heart. I would allow myself to become engulfed by Cael and he by me.

Because when you have lost something so precious, when something priceless comes along, you embrace it with both hands.

And you never let it go.

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