Page 58 of A Thousand Broken Pieces

I turned to Cael. “I’ll say goodnight here.” Cael looked over my head. He must have seen Dylan looking broken too.

“Okay,” he said and kissed me. “Night, Peaches.” He walked away and I followed the stone path to where Dylan sat. He looked up as I sat down. The sound of the water from the fountain was soothing, the night birds singing from the surrounding trees a heavenly soundtrack to the balmy breeze.

“Are you okay?” I asked and Dylan sat back against the bench. His gaze was focused on the water feature, but I could tell by the glazed look that he was lost to his thoughts. I placed my hand over his. Dylan’s head tipped down in that direction. It was a couple of minutes later when he said, “Jose wasn’t just my best friend.” His voice was barely audible. But I heard him, and I heard the pain that was etched in his every word.

I stayed silent, letting him speak uninterrupted. Dylan sighed, and his exhale was shaky. He tipped his head back, and a tear trickled from the corner of his eye. “I had to see him buried, all the people at the funeral believing he was only my best friend.” Dylan finally looked at me, his amber eyes haunted. “The truth is, Sav, that he was myeverything.” Dylan’s lip trembled and I took his hand in mine, showing him without words that he could say anything to me. I would always keep his confidence.

“We met in elementary school,” he said, and the corner of his lip tugged northward in fondness. “We were instant best friends. Inseparable. We lived on the same street. Our families became close friends too. It was perfect.” He paused, and his hand tightened in mine.

“When we hit high school, I hated myself. Because somewhere along the line, or maybe from the start, I fell hopelessly in love with him.” I wanted to wrap Dylan in my arms, but I also needed to give him the time to release this secret that he had buried down deep.

“I was scared to let him see it. I checked my every move around him just in case I touched him for too long. In case he saw how beautiful I thought he was.” Dylan huffed out a laugh. “He called me on it, of course. Asked me why I was being so weird. That was Jose. Honest to the point of brutalness.” Dylan shrugged. “I tried to avoid his incessant questioning, until I couldn’t take it anymore and blurted out that I loved him.”

I smiled when Dylan did. “Turned out, he loved me too. We knew our families wouldn’t approve, so we kept it to ourselves. And we loved each other in secret. Made plans to leave our hometown when we were older so we could be together without shame.” Dylan met my eyes. “I was never ashamed of our love, Sav. He was the best person in the world and when he died, I cursed the universe for taking him from me before we even had a chance to love freely, openly. And I had to stand at his wake and listen to everyone telling me how good of afriendI was to him.” Dylan clenched his jaw. “I wanted to shut them all up and tell them he was my soulmate and that we loved one another so much that sometimes my heart ached when we were apart for only a few minutes.”

Dylan grew even more somber. I knew whatever he was about to say was going to break him in two. “One totally normal morning, he was knocked over by a car as he crossed a road. Drunk driver. He died later that day from his injuries in the hospital. I wasn’t allowed in the room because I wasn’t family.” His voice cracked. “But hewasmy family. He was my entire world, and I was his.”

His breath hitched as he choked back his tears. “When they told me he’d gone, I had to pretend that he hadn’t taken my entire heart with him. I had to tell people I missed my best friend, not myboyfriend. Although ‘boyfriend’ never seemed enough to describe what he was to me. He was my reason for breathing. And I’ve had to mourn him in silence ever since. In private. It’s excruciating.”

His tears fell then, exorcizing the secret grief that had been consuming him. Dylan turned to me. “You’re the first person I’ve ever told that to.”

“I’m honored,” I said, and this time I did wrap him in my arms. He fell willingly, just waiting for someone to catch him. I couldn’t imagine having to hide your grief in this way. How unfair life was sometimes, that Dylan andJose had had to hide their love for fear of disapproval or worse. How he had to hide who Jose truly was to him when he wanted to scream it out loud.

“I’m so sorry, Dylan,” I said, and he nodded against my shoulder. The sound of the water from the water feature cocooned us.

Dylan reared back. He wiped his eyes. “When we were talking about honoring our lost loved ones tonight, I couldn’t participate. How could I? No one even knew about us. And I’m terrified to say it out loud.”

“You have now,” I said, and Dylan’s brow furrowed in confusion. “You’ve shared your truth with me. You’ve told someone that you loved him romantically. You’ve unburdened yourself from your secret. In turn, you’ve unburdened Jose too.”

A glint of relief flitted across Dylan’s handsome face. “I’m not ready to come out yet,” he said, sadness lacing every word. “My family … they won’t accept it. They won’t accept me. And right now, they’re all I have. I can’t lose them too.”

I thought about what Cael had told me about grief having no timeline. I hadn’t walked in Dylan’s shoes and could never understand the level of his struggle, but I thought the advice was perhaps relatable. “I don’t have any experience in this, Dylan, and I’m unsure if I even have anything worth saying. But I’m sure that when you come out, if you ever choose to come out, it will be on your own terms. Whenever you’re ready.” Dylan squeezed my hand, and I hoped to God I was saying the right thing. “If you never tell anyone outside of me who Jose was to you, I believe that is okay too. This is your journey, Dylan. Your life. You only owe it to yourself how you live it.”

“Thank you,” he said and stared back at the water feature. His face crumbled like he was in physical pain. “I miss him, Sav. I miss him so much that some days I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive it.”

I hugged his arm to me, holding him close. “My sister Poppy,” I said and steadied my nerves. “She had a childhood sweetheart when she passed. His name is Rune. They were like you and Jose, best friends turned boyfriend and girlfriend.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “When Poppy died, Rune was completely broken.”

“What’s he like now?” Dylan asked.

I thought of Rune visiting her grave, the tears he shed. How he wouldtalk to my sister like she was sitting right there beside him. I thought of all the pictures he pinned on her grave, of places he’d seen, adventures they should have been on together, but now he would travel alone.In her honor, I realized. He was living for them both. Sharing his experiences with the girl he loved most through his treasured photographs. Photographs she adored too.

“Sav?” Dylan said, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Sorry,” I said, voice thick. “He’s okay, Dyl. He misses her. Every single day. But he’s in college and doing what he loves with his life.” Dylan was focused on every word I said. “I don’t think he’s found someone else. I’m …” I stopped myself from talking.

“What?” Dylan pushed.

I sighed. “I’m not sure he ever will.” Dylan nodded like he understood. “I believe, like you, he feels half of his heart and soul are missing.” I shook my head. “I haven’t really spoken to him in depth about it.” My stomach turned. “Ishouldhave. He’s like my brother. I should’ve checked in with him more. I should’ve talked to him about what he was feeling, if he was—is—okay.” I looked up at Dylan. “I’ll be there for you, Dylan. Whenever you need me, even if it’s just to talk. Or to reminisce about Jose, as you knew him. I’m here.”

“Thank you,” he rasped, and I sat with him for the next couple of hours in the courtyard, staring at the water feature, as Dylan slowly sat up straighter, seeming a little lighter for speaking his truth out loud.

I was so proud of him. And I prayed he was proud of himself too.

I knew Jose would have been, and hoped that whatever kind of afterlife existed, he was smiling down at his soulmate too.

Proud.

Pitch Darkness and Blinding Light

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