Page 17 of Shadow Seeking

“You need to behave, and you need to respect Jangles. She was here first, and if anybody’s going anywhere, it will beyou. But if you mind your manners and she likes you, then you’ll be welcome. Do you understand?”

He stared at me and I could swear he knew exactly what I was saying. He gave me a slow blink, and I took that as a good sign.

“Okay, let’s see what happens.” I carried him in and sat the carrier on the coffee table, waiting to see if Jangles noticed. Of course, being a cat, she immediately raced over and jumped on the table beside him, peeking into the carrier. I was prepared for hissing and spatting, but she sniffed him, and he pressed his nose against the bars of the carrier. She leaned forward and helet out a little sound that was half a meow, half a purr, and she touched his nose back.

“Okay, so that’s odd,” I said. “You two talking in cat language?”

They both glanced at me like I had interrupted a meeting.

“All right, let’s get you comfortable in the spare bathroom for now, Murdoch, and we’ll see how it goes.” I carried him to the hall bath and settled him with his litter box, his food and water, and a few toys. I also put his cat bed in there, then sat with him for a few minutes, petting him. “Okay, well, if things continue to go well, you’re in your new home, dude.”

As I shut the door behind me and headed toward the kitchen, Jangles sat in front of the bathroom door, patiently staring at it.

I made myself more coffee, then stared in the fridge. What did I want to eat? I had a good appetite, and it seemed that my demon blood gave me a fast metabolism, because I could tuck it away without worrying about putting on too many pounds. I was also well-muscled beneath the padding I had, and I had a love for all things salty and crunchy. I decided on grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup.

“Classic pairing,” I said to myself as I began to fix dinner. I was used to my own company, but I also realized I was looking forward to Penn moving in. I hadn’t lived with anybody since I was fourteen.

I stopped, mid-buttering the bread, and stared at the pan. “I’m lonely,” I said, and the words echoed back at me like they were coming from a gaping hole. I didn’t like admitting it, but it was true. I’d gone so long relying on myself, that I had ignored all the inner promptings that it might be nice to have someone else in the house.

The realization—or rather,acceptingthe realization—hit me like a ton of bricks. I put the bread and knife down and satdown on one of the bar stools at the counter, trying to analyze the feeling. It scared me—needing to be near people meant vulnerability, and vulnerability was scary. I pulled out my phone and immediately called Dante.

“Dude, I need to talk,” I said as soon as he answered.

“What’s wrong? You okay?” He was breathing hard.

“Um, did I catch you at a bad time?” Dante had a different woman in his bed every week, it seemed, but he was quick to reassure me that I hadn’t interrupted one of his numerous fuckfests.

“Nope, I’m at the gym,” he said. “I was on the stair machine. Give me a second…” After a moment, he said, “Okay, I benched myself. Now tell me, what’s going on?”

I paused, then said, “I’m lonely. I was thinking about Penn moving in and suddenly realized how much I’m looking forward to it. And then, it all hit me—the feeling of how lonely I am.”

I expected him to laugh or something, but he didn’t.

“Okay, listen, I’m coming over. I’ll be there in half an hour, after I shower. What’s for dinner?” he asked.

I glanced at the stove. “You good with grilled cheese and tomato soup? I think I also have some cookies.”

“Sounds good, but do you have any ham to slide into that grilled cheese? I could use some extra protein.”

“Can do,” I said. “I’ll see you in thirty.” I hung up and made sure the stove was off. I prepared the sandwiches, getting them ready to grill, and added another can of tomato soup to the pan, then set the table and waited.

Promptly in half an hour,Dante showed up. He was dressed for the gym, in fleece sweatpants and a blue muscle top. Theman was so toned he could have sharpened a blade on those chiseled abs. He had on a sweatband that held the long shag out of his eyes, and some brand of fashion sneakers. As he slipped out of his jacket, I pressed a glass of wine into his hand. We both preferred merlot and cabernet sauvignon.

He slid onto one of the counter stools as I began cooking. “So…talk.”

I sighed. “You know that I pride myself on being independent.”

“You make a lifestyle out of not needing people, love. You’re one of the most independent women I’ve ever known. You also push people away who aren’t as stubborn as I am—or Penn is. You go out of your way to tell us you don’t need anybody.” He sipped the wine. “This is good.”

“Thanks,” I said. “New find. So…what’s happening? Do you think I’ve been lying to myself, or am I getting soft?”

He grunted. “You’ve been lying to yourself all these years, but I know why you did it. It’s a defense mechanism. Push people away before they can hurt you, don’t let them know you need them so they don’t have any power over you. Remember when I first found you?”

I didn’t like looking back. It scared me. But I nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

“I think that’s before you fully armored up. You were still numb from your mother’s death. And you were in trouble that you couldn’t get out of on your own. You couldn’t refuse my help, or you’d end up in jail. But what happened—what caused it, I think that you’re always terrified that side of you will come out again and that you’ll hurt someone you care about.”

I closed my eyes, trying to block out the memories. But they were always there, under layers of tight security. And now, they bubbled up again, threatening to sweep me under.

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