Page 30 of Unravel Me

“It’s beautiful here, Sawyer. You’ve made a beautiful home for yourself. Do you . . .” I lose my nerve to ask. I know he put me in his bed and kissed me earlier, but that could all be explained and justified, we were both in shock. We were each other’s first loves. But part of me just wants to know before I’m surprised.

“Do I what, Ivy? Just ask.”

“Do you have anyone you share it with?”

He laughs. Actually laughs.

“No. No, I don’t have anyone to share it with. What about you? Do I even want to know?”

“There’s no one.” And isn’t that the truth. The only person I have left in the world is Zoe.

Silence stretches between us as we sit in the glow of the fire.

“Sawyer, I know I don’t have any right to ask you anything, I don’t even have the right to ask you about your life, but I’m going to anyway. I just need to know. Do you . . . hate me? For what I did.”

His breath hitches and he leans forward to set his glass down on the edge of the stone firepit before standing and moving closer. He sits facing me, our thighs pressed together, his body turned toward mine as his eyes study my face. I’m not sure what to expect, but my eyes flutter closed as he moves to hold my face in his hands. I open them slowly and my heart shatters all over again. His perfect blue eyes are a storm of emotions, filled with tears ready to spill over. If possible, even after all the turmoil I’ve experienced, my heart breaks at the sight.

“Do you really think you could do anything to make mehateyou? Do you think I could share my life with anyone but you after what we had? Do you think any amount of time apart could change how I feel about you, butterfly?”

I choke on a sob as the dam breaks and both of us let the tears we were holding back flow freely. He pulls me into him, holding me against his chest as we both cry.

“I’m so sorry, Sawyer. I’m sorry.”

“Me too, baby. But now I have a question for you that I need answered.”

“Ask. Ask anything, please.” Desperate to comfort this man, I know I would give him whatever he needed in this moment to feel better, to fix the hurt that I inflicted.

“Why?”

Insecurity, vulnerability, and heartbreak are etched into his beautiful features and my heart aches for the pain I caused this man. I knew this was coming. I knew I would have to answer that question someday and that it would bleed me dry when it came time to explain the decisions that affected more than just myself. I sit up taller on the couch, putting some space between us so that I can look at him when I speak.

“There’s no simple answer. It was a multitude of things that contributed to me leaving,” I answer him truthfully. “You got into the University of Washington, and we were waiting for my acceptance letter. You had made all of these plans for us, and I wanted them too. But what I didn’t tell you is that I also applied to culinary school in California. As much as I wanted to go to California, I was willing to give up that dream to be with you and stay here, together.”

“Ivy . . .”

“Just listen. I won’t be able to get through this twice, Sawyer. It’s killing me,” I beg. “I hid the admission letter in my room because I was so happy that I actually got in and wanted to keep it as a memento. In June, right before our high school graduation . . .” I take a moment to pause, so desperately unsure how he is going to react to this next part. I wring my fingers in my lap nervously and look him in the eyes before continuing, “I had a pregnancy scare.” His face pales and he reaches for me, placing his hands on my thighs.

“What did you just say? Ivy, were you? Were we? We were so careful, baby.”

“I wasn’t. I wasn’t, I promise,” I quickly continue. “But my mom found the pregnancy test box and she was so heartbroken, Sawyer. She was already so sad. She said it would kill her to watch me go through what she went through. Even though we were together all those years, there was a lot I kept hidden from you that went on at home. I had this incredible mother when I was little, and by the time I was in high school, all of that light she used to have was gone. My dad slowly let her just disappear, Sawyer. He was supposed to love her and she gave up everything for him. She just withered away after. She didn’t want that for me. She was convinced I was blinded by you, by young teenage love, and making decisions that would change my life forever before I was ready to. She made me promise that I would never build my life around you or any man. That I would stand on my own before I settled down. Thinking I could be pregnant scared me. As much as I’ve always wanted to be a mom, I couldn’t have handled that. My mom added fuel to the fire. I should have gone to you. I know that. But she was in my head. I didn’t want to end up like her.”

Deciding not to bring up his part in manipulating me right now, I chose to focus on my part in all of it.

“Before I knew it, she had helped me pull my acceptance from UW and made phone calls on my behalf to the Culinary Institute. I didn’t know what to do. She made me question everything, Sawyer. I was just . . . numb.”

“So you left. You just ran away. The week you left you were so off. I couldn’t figure out why.”

“I’m sorry, Sawyer. I wanted to talk to you, I just didn’t know how. There was a lot going on. I was so scared, and I know I took the cowardly way out. I planned to reach out to you after I got settled, but I was just so afraid of your reaction that time keptmoving on, and then before I knew it, four years had gone by and I knew my window had passed to explain and be forgiven. I didn’t know how to do this.” I motion my hand between us. “I didn’t know how to explain.”

“Do you know what happened after you left, Ivy?” No longer able to look him in the eyes, I watch as he bounces one of his legs nervously.

“No . . .”

“I was so heartbroken I had to defer my admission for a year. I took a year off, barely left my bedroom, and hardly ate. I just couldn’t function. No one would tell me where you went or why you were gone. My parents forced me to go to therapy. You broke me, Ivy. You left and you took my fucking heart with you. I haven’t been fucking whole since!”

He stands swiftly now, pacing in front of me, his voice slowly getting louder. “There was no closure, no answers. Just this abyss of fucking nothing inside me.” He points to his chest with his fingers, roughly pushing them into himself. “So in your attempt to preserve yourself and your life, you destroyed me. And now you’re telling me that the reason you left was because your mom thought that we were like them? That somehow the love I gave you for seven fucking years would dry up and you’d be left an empty shell of a woman like your mother? That’s what you’re saying, Ivy?” He runs his hands through his thick hair and turns to stare out into the darkness in front of us. Unsure of what to say, I start apologizing.

“Sawyer, I’m sorry. I was barely eighteen. We were kids!”

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