Page 87 of Always Be an Us

Declan suddenly shifts in his seat, sitting up. "Emma."

"Just forget it," I blurt out. "I don’t think I like your tone of voice."

The smile makes a reappearance, but it holds a tinge of sadness this time, or maybe even pity. Ew. That’s the last thing I want him to feel for me

"Forget I said anything," I say, wishing we could turn back time by several seconds back to the drugging kiss before I decided to open my mouth and ruin everything by speaking.

I try to get out of his lap, but he doesn’t let me, his arms stiffening around my waist.

"I don’t want to hurt you, Emma," he says.

"And I don’t want to have this conversation anymore."

"I think we should anyway. So we’re both on the same page." He releases a breath, regret in his gaze. "Emma I...I can’t offer you anything serious. Anything like what you deserve."

"Oh, don’t do that," I say, something hollow and painful sinking into my chest. "Don’t start talking to me about what I deserve. You have no idea what I deserve."

"Yes, I do. You’re an amazing woman, Emma. Sweet. Adventurous. So damn funny sometimes that it surprises me. Not to mention beautiful as a gem."

I blush, turning my eyes to the forest in the distance so I don’t have to meet his gaze. "Now you’re just buttering me up."

"I’m not. You’re a fantastic woman Emma. Unfortunately, I’m not the kind of man who knows what to do with fantastic women. Just ask my ex-wife."

I consider capsizing the boat to end the conversation when the full impact of his words reaches me. And now curiosity gets the better of me so I ask, "What happened with her? Your ex-wife."

I finally allow my gaze to fall back on Declan's face. Now it’s his turn to look uncomfortable.

"We probably should never have gotten married in the first place," he starts. "She was… I suppose you could call her a college girlfriend even though we both knew that our relationship was far too casual for that word. We were committed in our lack of commitment to each other and that made our relationship easy at first.

“Plus, she was the only woman I cared for on a deeper level, the only one who seemed to get me, and never made any demands of me to be who I wasn't. Out of all the girlfriends I had in the past, I liked her the most. I suppose I may have mistaken that for love. And then she got pregnant."

"With Amelia?"

"Yes. She wanted to keep the baby and I did too. I figured we should get married. It made sense at the time. I was at the right age for it and had grown tired of my aimless partying lifestyle. And like I said, I thought I loved Rachel. Or at the very least, I thought we both understood each other well enough to make our relationship work."

"And then what happened?"

"Things were fine for the first few years. We both lived very different lives, and I worked all the time, while she had to take time off for a few years to be a full-time homemaker. But our marriage wasn’t anything like you would see in the movies with passion or anything. It was...like I said, comfortable. That was until Rachel started growing feelings for me. Real ones."

He winces a little, staring far off. "I don’t know why though. I didn’t exactly treat her the best."

"Did you cheat on her?"

"No." He shook his head. "Never. Not even when we dated. It was more that I was absent a lot of the time. Trying to prove myself to my father and his shareholders meant a lot of long nights at the office. And even when I was home, I wasn't mentally or emotionally present.

"She’ll tell you that I was a horrible listener, dismissive, and just a generally shitty husband. She cried over me a lot, even though she never showed it. And the worst part is that even if she had shown it, I'm not sure it would have changed anything."

"Oh." Their story sounds tragic to me. And unfamiliar.

By my grandpa’s account, and from my own memories, my father and mother were deeply and disgustingly in love. So much that they couldn't stay without each other for long. Everyone around them saw it. My mother was hotheaded and my father was stubborn, so they bickered quite a bit, but each argument always ended up with them wrapped in each other’s arms like they never left.

"Yeah," Declan concludes. "We divorced amicably and we’re friends now. We coparent great. But nothing has changed about me since that time. I’m still not a great candidate for relationships. Especially not for someone like you who deserves better."

He reaches out and tucks my hair behind my ear. "And if I was less of a selfish bastard, I would end this right here. I wouldn’t look at you again, touch you, or kiss you again."

He reaches out and brushes his lips against mine as my heart races.

"But I’m a selfish bastard. And I want you, like a gnawing ache in my gut. I can’t deny myself. So you have to be the one to push me away and say no. Do it, Emma. Say no for your own good."

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