Page 123 of Keep Me

“Ummm…” Nikki stammers, but I don’t wait for her response.

“Goodbye, Mom. Enjoy the gallery.” I spin on my feet and march toward the back of the room.

“Sylvie, wait!” my mother calls.

“I don’t have to talk to you,” I reply. “In fact, Ichoose not to.”

She follows me past the front desk and around the corner to the back of the building. “Sylvie, please. Just wait. Give me a second.”

“No,” I argue. My blood pressure is rising with every moment. I’ve been preparing myself for this instance and I just keep repeating the same thing to myself over and over again.Don’t engage. Don’t engage. Don’t engage.

“Can’t I at least apologize?” she cries.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Enid standing frozen near the service entrance, but I brush right past her.

“No,” I call back to my mother.

Even when I reach the alleyway, I just keep on walking. I have no clue where I’m going, but I can’t turn back. I can’t get into a conversation with my mother.

“Sylvie, I’m begging you.”

I hear the sadness in her voice, but it only makes me angrier. Stopping in my tracks, I spin toward my mother and point a finger in her face. “No! You don’t get to be sad now. Not when every conversation we’ve ever had has made me feel like complete shit.”

Tears fill her eyes as she reaches for me, but I quickly wave her off. “No! I’m not engaging. I have to protectmypeace, which means I can’t talk to you.”

“Okay, then don’t talk!” she shouts. “Just listen.”

I let out a frustrated scream becauselisteningto her is even worse. It’s the last thing I want to do. But now I’m out of places to run. I’ve hit a fence line, blocking me in.

So I freeze at the end of the alley and let her catch up. I’m waiting for the inevitable,You don’t try hard enough, Sylvie.OrI’m just trying to help you, Sylvie.

What comes out of her mouth is nothing close to what I expect.

“Your father and I were terrible parents!” she shouts. “We are still terrible parents. I wish I knew how to even try to fix it, Sylvie, but I don’t. You didn’t deserve us, and if I could go back in time and give you to people who would have raised you better, I would.”

I shake my head, keeping my back to her as I try to force my brain to block out the hurtful things she’s said to me. But even I know that’s impossible.

I don’t respond as she continues. “There was never anything wrong with you, Sylvie. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel that way, and I’m sure it’s too late for apologies now, but I have to try at least. And we might have been terrible fucking parents, but look at you!”

“What about me?” I shout, turning around to find my mother with tears streaming down her face, her hair windblown and sweat-soaked. She’s a mess.

“You turned out to be the most resilient, insightful, brilliant person I’ve ever met.”

A wrinkle forms between my eyes as I scrutinize her. What is she getting at? What is the catch? Where is thebutof that statement?

She just raises her hands and lets them fall at her sides. “That’s it. That’s all I want to say—just that I’m sorry. And…I’m proud of you.”

Still panting from the chase, she lets her shoulders slump with a look of defeat on her face. Then, she turns away from me and walks back toward the gallery.

I let her go without another word. At the moment, I don’t quite know what to say. I’m not ready for hugging it out and handing out forgiveness, but I do feel a sense of relief wash over me. It’s like I don’t feel the same heavy cloud weighing over me anymore. That whole your-parents-hate-you-and-you’re-a-disappointment fog has started to clear.

Still standing in the alleyway with an expression of disbelief on my face, I pull out my phone and dial Killian’s number. It rings and rings and rings, going to voicemail. And I realize that’s to be expected now, especially now that he’s probably doing things like going to rugby matches with his friends and spending hours away from the house. And that isgreat, but it’s hard not to feel a little disappointed too.

It’s like he’s moving in the right direction, but that direction is away from me.

***

When I get back to the gallery, I have to tell Nikki and Enid everything about the bizarre interaction with my mom.

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