Page 42 of Forbidden Lessons

Lust.

Like how my fear transformed into confusion, curiosity…then something else.

Who was mirroring who?

That’swhat I’m struggling to process.

I sucked Kai’s dick…and I liked it.

That sentence sets my mind on fire, but I’m obviously a sucker for punishment because I keep replaying it.

Especially the last part.

My underwear was so soaked when I got back to my car, I didn’t want to sit down in case it would get on the seat. But just like I sucked his dick when I didn’t want to, I sat down when I didn’t want to, and I tore out of AHC’s parking lot like a wayward angel fleeing hell.

I don’t know what made me come back.

Maybe, like yesterday, I think if I wait long enough, I can summon up the courage I need to face Kai’s wrath again.

Or, maybe, it’s his wrath I’m after.

I always knew he was better than me. The way he kept his shit together, even when I knew he had it worse. How he’d be brave, and strong, and proud all the time, and I was pathetic and weak and ashamed.

All. The. Time.

Except when he made me smile, or laugh.

I lived for our time together. I’d squeeze my hands into tiny fists and wish the second hand of the clock to stream around and around in a blur.

Just so I could be with him again.

So, yeah, maybe that’s why I’m in the one place I shouldn’t be.

Because if Kai truly hates me as much as he says, then there’s no way we’ll ever be together.

Which mean I don’t have to apologize for falling in love with him.

I glance at the clock on my car’s dashboard. Professor Rooke’s class starts in thirty minutes.

There’s no way I’m going to make it. I can’t even convince myself to open the car door and step outside. This dented up sedan has become my little fort.

Outside, bad. Inside, good. Or, at least, safe.

Shit. Kai still has my copy of The Lucifer Effect. Was Professor Rooke being serious when he said not to bother showing up if we hadn’t read the first five chapters?

Despite all my doubts, despite all my fear, I play the part of dutiful student, and scrape together my stuff for class. Slipping my notepad into the AHC tote, my pen. I hesitate when I pick up the Activity Log.

There’s a queasy feeling in my stomach when I flip it open.

The first fresh page glares up at me.

I haven’t submitted a photo like I was supposed to. Haven’t written a single thing down in this book.

The sound of my dismal little chuckle is as pathetic as I am.

Who the fuck am I kidding? I can’t get the grade I need to pass. You’d swear I don’t evenwantto graduate. Sure, I’ve started work on some of my other assignments. But Professor Rooke’s class is one of my prerequisites. If I fail, I’m out on my ass.

I dig my pen out of the tote bag and yank the lid off with my teeth, staring down at the blank page like it’s Kai’s smirking face. The nib of the pen leaves a dent in the page as I write with slow, furious intent.

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