Page 229 of Forbidden Lessons

Because Haven is wet…but not nearly enough for what I want to do to her.

Chapter 70

Haven

This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. This can’tfuckingbe happening. The mantra plays on repeat through my head, pinging off the inside of my skull like a fucking pinball in an arcade machine.

Rain drums on the roof, against the windows, and it feels like it’s bearing down, trying to get inside, trying to drown me.

It was Kai who grabbed my throat. There’s no way Bastian has the same grip, the same relentless shake in his hands as he tightened his fingers. It was like the worst whiplash déjà vu I’d ever felt.

He’s here.

He’s beside me.

And I’m bound and at his fucking mercy.

If I could yell at him I’m sorry, I would. But he put a gag in my mouth for a reason.

He doesn’t want to hear my pathetic apologies. He wants me to suffer. But I say them anyway, in my head, because maybe he’ll sense my contrition and have mercy on me.

I’m sorry, Kai.

I shouldn’t have done what I did.

But I loved you.

I still do.

I can’t help it.

You’re all I’ve ever known. All I’ve ever wanted.

And, fuck, if I could go back and do it different…

Tears leak out of my eyes, soaking into the mask.

I shouldn’t have put so much pressure on him. I tricked him that day under the maple tree. Because I thought he wanted it as much as I did. That all he needed was a little encouragement. Then I called him a loser and, even worse, sent him a horrible letter.

Because he fucking hurt me that day. Kai crushed my heart, poured it in a pipe, and smoked it.

I’m sorry, Kai.

I love you, Kai.

Please…please don’t hurt me again, Kai.

But he does.

Him and Bastian.

They hurt me…and it feels…

Fuck…

It feels so fucking good.

Because I deserve it.

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