Page 90 of Happy After All

I look at my newest reservations while Elise stands there, waiting.

Then, I finally turn my full attention to her.

“Is everything good?” Elise asks.

I experience a deep feeling of guilt. Because I’m not going to tell her everything. Not now. His secrets are his. Mine are still ... complicated. It’s going to be a big deal when she finds out that I’ve kept all of this from her. I don’t think she’ll be mad at me. Though I think she might be hurt. I feel like maybe I need to be careful about choosing my venue. Or maybe I still don’t want to talk about it freely.

Maybe that’s closer to the truth.

“Yes. I ... Everything is fine.”

“You had sex with him again, didn’t you?”

“I did, Elise. I did.” I pause for a moment. “So, this is where I tell you that my ex-boyfriend is an actor, and he’s in a lot of Christmas movies, and he may or may not be booked to come to A Very Desert Christmas.”

I brace for impact.

There is no impact. Elise is just staring at me. “What?”

“That’s relevant,” I say. “Because Nathan has agreed to be my ... my fake boyfriend so that when Chris shows up ...”

“Christopher Weaveris your ex-boyfriend. Your terrible ex-boyfriend ... The one from LA.”

“Yes, he is. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I was blindsided by the whole thing, and frankly, still kind of in denial.”

“Well, I don’t really blame you for that.”

“Who could?” I ask. Except, she could have, and I know it.

“So, you’re actually engaging in the plot of one of these Christmas movies in order to deal with this?”

“Kind of. Except he isn’t going to fall in love with me. I don’t need to fall in love with him.”

For some reason, those words get stuck in my throat.

“This is a recipe for disaster,” she says.

“No,” I say. “Because I am full up on disaster. There have been enough disasters. Who the hell does this kind of stuff happen to?”

“Women in the kinds of Christmas movies your ex stars in?”

“Exactly! It’s ridiculous.”

Elise examines the edge of her currently bright-red thumbnail. “Just ...” She looks up at me. “Be careful, okay? This feels like a very dangerous, potentially volatile situation, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I’m not going to get hurt. Don’t worry about me.” I try to internalize that. I try to bolster myself. I’ve had my heart broken in such a terrible, complicated way. The breakdown of my long-term relationship was so complete and so deep. I know that I haven’t given Elise the wholestory, so she doesn’t really know what I went through, or why everything felt extra sharp, extra hard, but I know.

Nothing else could ever hurt me that bad.

But I also know how I feel about her. About how much I want her to take a chance on Ben. On happiness. Even knowing everything she’s been through. I suddenly appreciate that I’ve been a little bit cavalier with her fears.

Thinking that you might love somebody again after you got broken apart by another person really does feel like the riskiest thing imaginable.

Nathan is temporary. When he leaves Rancho Encanto, I’m never going to have to see him again.

We can dump all this pain into each other and then never have to deal with the consequences of it. We can indulge in pleasure and really, really feel like we deserve it because we know how bad so many other things have been. It’s ideal, in many ways.

That’s not how it is for Elise.

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