Page 70 of Happy After All

I hard relate to that. I also know it’s still lonely. Even when the vibrator is very good.

“You could—”

“Stay out of my personal life,” she says, “or I will be all up in yours aggressively.”

“Isn’t that what you’re doing right now?”

“Maybe,” she says. “Or maybe ... Yes. I am. I’m curious, and I want to live vicariously through you.”

“He’s hot, it was fantastic, he is proportional.”

She presses her hand to her chest. “That is what I love to hear. We do not like hearing that a handsome man is very disappointing.”

I lift my brows. “I heard about that a lot when I lived in LA.”

She snorts. “Oh, please. Tell me which actors are disappointing.”

I shake my head. “No. Because it’s actually just really sad. Some guys have to wear modesty garments not to hide their junk but to hide their shame.”

“That’s hilarious.”

“Well . . .”

She pauses for a moment. “You don’t really ever talk about LA. I bet writing for TV was interesting.”

“It was sometimes,” I say.

Maybe it’s because my past is encroaching that it doesn’t feel sacrilegious to mention it at all. “There were some fun things about it. I met some interesting people. I got to write on some really great TV shows. But ... everything has to end, right?”

“Not everything,” says Elise. “At least I hope not, unless you’re planning to leave.”

I shake my head. “I’m not. I just mean ... There are moments when you can definitely feel that a phase of your life is over. I don’t even like talking about it because I prefer to be in the present.”

“I get that. With Emma ... It’s so hard. I’m thinking about the future all the time, and I’m thinking about all the things I’m not giving her, and everything I’m not doing right. I need to tell you something. I need you to just ... I love Ben,” she says.

“I know,” I say.

“No, I’m in love with him.”

I nod and say again, “I know.”

“How can I be a partner, a wife, a girlfriend, whatever,anda decent mom? I already feel like I’m stretched to my limit.”

“That’s because in your mind, all you can see is a relationship that’s as toxic as the one you had before. Her dad didn’t help you with anything. Being with him made everything harder. I’m given to believe that’s not how love is supposed to be.”

I think back on my relationship with Christopher. He hadn’t made everything harder. For a long time he had made things good. I feel a swell of emotion. Maybe this is why I avoid thinking about it. Because it’s easier to make him a villain. Instead of just someone who was walking on broken glass the same way I was.

“I really think that what you could have with him ... It could be real. It could be functional. Helikesyou. Sometimes I think that is the wildest missing piece to relationships. Someone feels like they love you, or they want to sleep with you, but they don’t like you. He likes you. I also think he might love you.”

“This conversation wasn’t supposed to be about me,” she says.

“Yeah, but we’re friends, so we’re not keeping score.”

I’m so grateful that I have her. She’s been there all these years. I guess I’ve been there for her too. But she really doesn’t know how much she means to me. I’ve stopped short of telling her.

I stop short of telling her a lot of things.

“I want to believe what you believe, Amelia,” she says softly. “I want to believe in romance novels and friends to lovers and happily ever after.”

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