Page 120 of Happy After All

It’s a fine line. Being atpeaceand hiding from your demons.

I know that’s true. I know that I would have to put any heroine through the fire on this one. I would have to confront her with the things she really wants, the things that hurt the most, the things she needs to heal from.

I would have to make her talk about her deep wound. I would have to make her go and find some kind of peace with her mother.

I would have to ... do so many of the things I’m already doing.

There have been a lot of pivotal moments over the last couple of weeks. Over the last few months. Over the last three years. This quiet, happy moment in the courtyard feels somehow the most altering.

Because I’m not just looking at my sadness. I’m not just examining my grief. I’m looking at potential happiness.

I’m looking at something that could be.

It’s like I had writer’s block and suddenly the words are flowing. But it’s not a page, it’s my life.

I stand up, and I realize that my hand is pressed to my chest.

Alice moves from behind the keyboard and makes her way to me, her hand resting on my forearm. “It’s okay to want that,” she says. “I hope you know. It’s okay to want everything.”

“What if I can’t have everything?”

“You’ll survive. You’ll keep on living. You’ll smile again. You’ll dream again. You get to be my age, and you realize that you had everything that was meant for you. So you might as well want it all, then see what comes.”

Maybe it’s greedy, standing here in the motel courtyard with so many people who love me, to want Nathan Hart to love me too. To want him to love me most of all.

I would let a fictional woman want all of this, so why can’t I?

I want him. I want everything.

The scene before me is devolving into utter chaos, but I have one more surprise. It’s the reminder I need to kick myself into gear.

“Okay,” I say, raising a hand. “Children. Who wants to help me decorate a special Christmas tree?”

The kids scramble over to where I’m standing. “I have an extra tree for the auction that’s happening at A Very Desert Christmas. I would love to auction it off and donate the money to help build you all a new school. I have all kinds of decorations, and I want you guys to just put as many on the tree as you want.”

I retrieve the tree from where it’s lying on the outside of the courtyard. It’s a silver tinsel tree, synthetic through and through.

Then I retrieve eclectic bins of ornaments. This will not be a tree with any theme other than childlike abandon.

The kids go to town on it, and the end result is a loud, glorious disaster.

Nathan helps lift small children up to hang ornaments near the top.

I like him.

I like himso much.

I’ve listened to his pain. I have licked him everywhere.

I feel a deep, profound connection with him. We recognize each other, at the deepest places we carry our pain.

But along with that, I can confidently say that I just like him. And that, I feel, is incredible all on its own.

It feels like something too big and bright to be contained.

I don’t want to contain it.

I just want to feel it.

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