Page 116 of Happy After All

“I’m not going to get anything from this,” I say to him.

“You don’t think?”

“No,” I say. “I already know there’s nothing I can say to her. I already know I can’t ... I can’t say a set of magic words to her and make her suddenly care about all the pain she put me through. That’s not realistic. What I wanted to do was tell her all the ways she failed, but she’s just going to turn it back around on to me. That’s who she is. She’ll resist character development at every turn, trust me. I’m glad I came here. I see it clearly now. I see myself clearly now too.”

“We drove all this way,” he says.

“Yes. That’s already more than she’s ever done for me. I have put more thought and more effort into this relationship than ...” I clear my throat. “I think I just need to let it go. Because I’m living my life. A life I’m choosing. I can’t make my childhood hurt less. All I can do is decide where my energy goes. And it’s not going to be here.”

He nods slowly. “Good for you.”

“Yeah,” I say. “Very good for me.” I feel like I needed the drive, I needed to sit here. I needed to look at this house and feel nothing but pity for the person who lives inside.

I needed to feel, profoundly, that this isn’t my home. I grew up in that house, but it’s not my home.

Rancho Encanto is my home. It is maybe the only place I have ever felt at home. I’m done keeping my roots shallow. I’m going to let them grow deep.

“It’s good,” I say. “We skipped fighting. We skipped the screaming. We skipped the inevitable blame game. Some people don’t change.”

“But you’re changing,” he says.

“I damn well am.”

We’re silent for a moment. “So, is your dad the kind of parent it just makes more sense to be no contact with, or is he someone you can reason with?”

“The complication with my dad was always my mother. I loved her. He sucks. She put up with it. I still talk to him, and I still go over for dinner on occasion. Because she would want that. She wouldn’t want him by himself—she never did. That’s why she stuck it out.”

I wish I could have dinner with his dad. I wish I could tell him what a wonderful man Nathan is.

Then I realize I’m wishing for things that extend far beyond what we’ve agreed to. As we make our way back to Rancho Encanto, instead of shutting that down, I let it simmer inside me. I let myself consider what that might mean.

I feel like I’m getting closer to giving those feelings a voice.

Like I don’t just know how I would write it.

I know how I want to say it.

Chapter Twenty-Six

I wake up before Nathan the next morning. It’s early, the sun is rising, and my courtyard is flooded with pink. Not just Pink Flamingo pink, but the rose from early-morning sun. Nathan is asleep in my bed, naked. He looks beautiful. I stand there and look at the room. My motel room. My home.

He fits.

At least for me. I don’t know if he could ever fit for him.

I’m tired of being hurt.

Though, the truth is, I’ve never fought for a relationship either.

That thought settles over me like a blanket as I get dressed and quietly slip out the door.

The air is cool, and it smells damp. The sun casts a sharp wedge of light over half the pool, the water a glimmering jade. That’s when I see Alice, sitting there at the same table she was occupying the night she told me about her child.

I know why I woke up early.

I push the gate open and walk forward. “Hi, Alice.”

She looks up, and the wind catches her white hair, a smile brightening her face. “Good morning, Amelia.”

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