Page 48 of A Twisted Gift

My throat closes up, and I realize I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do with the sickening feeling in my gut that Erik doesn’t mean what he’s saying. That he couldn’t possibly want me. That maybe Father was right, and he never should’ve let me live.

“Raina.” Erik’s voice is so gentle, so caring, that it pulls a sob from me that I didn’t realize I was holding back. He pulls us up and nestles me in his lap, and then he’s rocking me, his hand smoothing my hair back from my face. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve known this was too much too quickly.”

“It’s not—” I sniffle. “It’s not that. I just… I know I’m not supposed to want this, and I don’t want you to view me as… as dirty.”

He goes stiff. “What are you talking about?”

“Sex,” I mumble. “Do you think I’m horrible for wanting it?”

“Horrible? What—Raina, no. Absolutely not. It’s a perfectly natural thing to want to experience. Most people do.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m positive.” Erik shifts me in his lap so he can get a better look at me, and he lifts my face up with a bent knuckle under his chin. Worry lines his features. “Raina, have you never… touched yourself? To make yourself come?”

“No,” I answer quickly. My cheeks heat, and I look away.

Gently, he grips my chin and tugs me back until his eyes meet mine, soft and reassuring. “It’s all right if you have. Exploring yourself is a good thing.”

I want to believe him, but I’m not sure I can. It goes against everything I’ve been taught.

“It doesn’t make you not want me?”

Erik frowns. “Who told you it would?”

“Father,” I mumble. “One of the maids caught me once, and she told him. He was so angry that he locked me in my room for three days and wouldn’t let me eat. He told me that it was wrong, that it made me dirty and undesirable.”

“Hewas wrong,” Erik says harshly, but when I wince, he squeezes me reassuringly, and his voice softens. “He wanted you as innocent as possible for his stupid auction.He’sdisgusting, not you.” He nudges my cheek with his nose. “Never you.”

Lowering my head to his shoulder, I squeeze my eyes shut against tears. Yet another thing to unravel, to unlearn. It always confused me, how my sister could get past the shame. But now I understand.

She was never told to feel this way. It was only ever me.

“Now tell me the truth this time,” Erik says.

“I’ve touched myself,” I whisper.

“Have you ever made yourself come?”

“N-no.” I’ve gotten close a few times, but Father’s words always circle my thoughts, calling me disobedient and dirty. “Any time it’s about to happen, I feel so horrible, and I have to stop.”

“I get that.” He presses a tender kiss to the top of my head. “But from now on, know that there’s nothing to be ashamed of, all right? You can touch yourself whenever you want. It won’t change how I look at you one bit.”

“Thank you,” I whisper.

Erik’s arms tighten around me, and I relax into him. Like this, everything doesn’t feel so hopeless. His constant reassurance makes me wonder if I won’t always be trapped in my own mind. When he’s with me, I’m able to find my way out, and when I’m not, he guides me there.

My shield. My rescuer. And, hopefully, my forever.

Chapter fifteen

Erik

“What if I want to be the one to do it?”

I look up from where I’m sitting by the fire in the living room. For the past twenty minutes, I’ve been reading to Raina. I don’t think she’s heard a single word, but I don’t mind. I’ve noticed that she tends to relax when I speak, and I want her to be comfortable. If my voice is what does the trick, then I’ll talk until my throat is too worn out to continue.

Closing the book, I watch her as she stares out the window, looking down on her father’s mansion. “Do what, little rose?”

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