Page 66 of Hold Me Before You Go

My eyes snapped to Ash’s. “Why are you checking on me after what you went through last year? What you had to suffer through until I found you?”

He blinked, and then slowly, he leaned back, looking away from me. “Truth be told, Gray, I don’t remember any of it.”

Hayes’ head snapped over to Ash. “What?”

Ash’s throat worked before looking down to his lap. “I remember the woman. I remember being blinded by rage and fear as I went into Devils Den. I remember fighting. I remember being jumped and taken hostage.” He was quiet for a moment. “I remember all of that, but I don’t remember the torture. I think my mind is protecting me from it. You know, there are so many things I don’t remember about my missions, my tours. It’s like those pieces of time are missing or blank. My time in Devils Den is like that. I don’t remember, but that doesn’t mean I’m okay.”

My mind instantly went to Carrie and all the suppressed memories from her marriage to Robert that had been rushing up to the surface. The longer she was healing, the more memories that came, which meant that someday, all the horrors Ash had to live through in that hellhole would return, and he would have to re-live them all.

My stomach sank.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, my brows furrowed. I knew pity was painted across my face, but it couldn’t be helped. He was my brother, and I’d nearly lost him.

He looked at me. “No, I didn’t say all that because I wanted to talk about me. What I’m trying to tell you is that you don’t have to be okay just because Carrie is safe now. What you experienced, especially with your PTSD episode a few days ago, we know you aren’t okay.”

A lump formed in my throat, and I couldn’t handle it any longer, so I looked back down to Tic-Tac. He was nothing but an orange fur ball to everyone else, but he was a part of Carrie and that made him mine. His being here at Red Snake had been a blessing in disguise, from hearing his little collar bell jingle as he ran up and down the hall to him sleeping in my office every night while I worked. His presence almost grounded me in a way, but he couldn’t stop the nightmares.

“I haven’t slept,” I confessed.

“We know,” Hayes replied softly.

I had been too scared to sleep. What if I missed something? What if I was dragged back into the past? What if I had to witness Carrie suffer the same torture I had? What if I couldn’t find my way back and I lost my mind altogether?

Swallowing, I dropped the confession into the conversation. “I was too afraid.”

No one said anything for a few minutes, and I was grateful. I was the leader of Red Snake. I was supposed to be fearless and cold.

“Grayson?” Ash called.

I raised my head, bracing for the words about to come from him.

“It’s okay to be afraid, man. I’m fucking scared shitless half the time,” he told us, his features softening. “You know you don’t have to put on a brave face for all of us. We are grown men who can handle emotion. That’s the way it should be.”

“I’m scared every time I get into the cockpit.”

Ash and I looked over to Hayes to find him staring at the table, his face set. He blinked, shaking his head. “I was in the cockpit when I lost my entire squadron.”

I stiffened.

No one at Red Snake knew the details of Hayes’ losses in the Air Force. He never talked about it, and we never asked. When we’d first met years ago, he only told us he lost some people over there. Never once had he shared any details as to how or why.

Hayes ran a hand through his hair, sighing before a misplaced chuckle came from him. “Most days, I wake up, and I have to tell myself that even though I don’t feel like I deserve to be breathing, I’m still breathing for a reason.” He looked at me and then to Ash. “Red Snake is that reason.”

“Hayes,” I said, unable to say anything else.

He gave me a smirk, sitting back in his chair. “This isn’t about me, Gray. It’s about you.”

“You’re allowed to not be okay, and if anyone is going to convince you of that, it’s Carrie. Look at her life, man. Look at how much she has overcome,” Ash explained.

“I think,” Hayes began. “I think Carrie is meant for you Gray. I think she’s supposed to teach you how to accept not being okay. For years, you’ve been running Red Snake and hunting non-stop, and while we appreciate it, the boys and I often wondered if you were even human.”

Ash nodded.

Hayes continued, “For the first time since knowing you, Gray, you acted like a human with real emotions the night Leo Samuels assaulted Carrie.”

I flinched before I could stop myself.

“Falling for Carrie Hale was the best thing that could have ever happened to you, and we are so fucking sorry we couldn’t protect her enough,” Ash whispered thickly.

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