Page 199 of Wrath

I went on a drug-hazed pilgrimage to see the TV pastor Luke McDowell and his husband Vance Rayne. And their baby. It was- really fucking weird. But awesome?

They’re some really nice guys. It’s hard toexplain. I feel lucky that it happened, even though the way it started wasn’t great.

They found me someone Luke wants me to talk to here in T-town. About- you know. Since I’m never sending this shit, we’ll pretend you know. I should call the therapist soon. I’m going to.

I’m going to tell you something that sounds crazy, okay?

I used to have these nightmares, but I’m dreaming about other shit now. When I wake up, I’m really sweaty- drenched. Like, worked up. The weird thing is, I wake up feeling hopeful. Not even hopeful… like a sense of bliss. Fucking elated. Sometimes I feel around the covers, and I’m wanting something.

I think that I’m feeling for YOU.

I know. It can’t be real, at least I don’t think so. We’re stepbrothers. But you’re gay so…I dunno.

Of course, I’m in the closet. But- you seem like someone anyone could like. Maybe I came out to you?

Did I?

Did you let me in your bed- and if you did- did you hold me the way I dream about?

It’s embarrassing to even write this shit down.

I feel like…a girl. And- that’s sexist. So yep, I’m a sexist asshole, too.

What I’m trying to say is this- When I wake up, I wake up wanting you to hold me. Miller with the freckles and the tired, blue eyes. Miller with those lips. Goddamn. You’re so beautiful. I could look at you all day, and I do. (Thank you Snapchat and Instagram).

That’s why I’m worried, too. You seem a little different lately. All your snaps are you walking the campus sidewalks looking hot (both over-heated hot and actually hot) and dog tired. Sometimes you stick out your tongue or tip your head back like you’re trying to look cool, but you look tired. I wish I knew you outside my weird, twisted fantasies so I would know if you are tired.

I wish I could hold you when you sleep.

I’m not a girl- but I am kind of in love with you.

If it’s not real, I hope it fades. Because I don’t think about anything but football and you.

It feels right, though. You make me feel things, Miller. Even if you are only my stepbrother. Sleep for me.

Ezra

August 19, 2019

Dear Miller,

I did something crazy today. I know- you’re so surprised. Not Ezra Masters, the guy who had his brain fried, spent a month locked in a closet, then got diagnosed by real professionals with all different types of mental illness.

But yeah, man.

This guy…went down to Auburn.

I sort of know your schedule because you snap so much. Since you snap a lot in math when your teacher dresses like the Auburn Tiger, I knew the time and date for that class, and I guessed the building based on Auburn’s campus map. I waited outside, and dude- you came out.

You were there, and I was there, and Miller- my whole body flushed like I got hit with a shot of adrenaline. It was so strong, I felt like I might fall over. My head buzzed. My face was red hot. I felt like I might start crying.

I was so freaked out, I pretty much ran back to the bus and went straight back to T-town.

But then I got this wild idea:

As soon as I got back to my dorm room, I called AT&T, my cell phone carrier. It took forever, but I finally spoke with this guy, and I told him about my ECT. How I don’t have my cellphone. I told him I needed to access the old data from it, but I don’t remember any passwords. I asked if I could get a new phone and restore the old one’s data to it. I was worried Mom had taken my phone off her plan, but nope. The number’s technically there. I guess my mom has my phone. Maybe she knows all the things I don’t. I’m not asking her.

The guy on the phone said he thinks he can do that. If I go to an AT&T store here, they could maybe get me a new phone and move my old data to it.

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