Page 247 of Wrath

Lyrics move through my brain. Cigarettes After Sex.

Saw you on the side of the road

I could see you were walking slow

Drinking a slurpee

I get this picture in my mind of the side of the road. The trees hanging over the road. There’s not that much shoulder, and it’s hot. The sun is warm and I feel good. I’m looking at my feet. I’m feeling uptight…wanting something. Good. I feel good, but I want something. I look up and—gut punch—there is Miller. Sunlight on his face. He looks shocked.

Look at that Do Gooder. Shocked his socks off.

I look down at his legs as he passes me by. God, he’s got some thicc legs.

I’m going to see him in physics. I’m going to see him again as he runs around the soccer field. I’m going to be across the way, but he’ll still be mine. He’ll be mine because I want him, even though it’s sick and twisted and I shouldn’t.

My heart starts to beat too fast. Too hard. I keep sucking on the Icee till my throat won’t swallow. Then I sit the thing down on the carpet and run into the bathroom, and throw it all up in a geyser of blue.

I remember puking after getting knocked out, after taking a fistful of pills, after the heat exhaustion. I remember waking up to Miller saying my name.

My chest—all the pain ofnot dying. I came here to die and Miller dragged me out of the lake. And so, I hated him.

I grabbed his dick.

I wanted him to die since he kept me from dying. I wanted to hurt him because every breath hurt so much, and I couldn’t take it.

I had the pills and I could take them, I could die but I tried and I couldn’t.

Miller.

Miller.

Miller.

What will he do if I squeeze that big cock? Can I make him mad? What is his dad like? Maybe we can go there on the boat ifI ask, and I’ll fuck with him. Fucked with me, though, and my finger and the pain and fear.

I don’t want to go to the hospital.

“I can get it out. Hold it sideways, Ezra. If you have to, hold onto your wrist to keep it still. And don’t look.”

…

“Is your dad an asshole?”

“What? No.”

“You’re a liar, DG.”

“Did he seem like an asshole?”

“Maybe,” I said.

…

“If I pass out…don’t let them take me to…the hospital. Please.”

Miller, holding into me.

“Just don’t. Don’t leave me there.”

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