Page 205 of Wrath

“Ezra. Hi. I’m sorry for calling you crying.” He sniffles, his voice thickening. “Can you call me? Please? I love you, angel. Hope you’re okay. Infinity…remember? I’ll be here till then, okay?”

I can’t listen for a minute. My hand clutches my chest as what’s under the ink feels like it’s breaking apart.

Through the blur of my tears, I select another “Millsy” voicemail.

"Hey. It's Mills. I haven't called you in a little while. Giving you space and...some shit. I hope you're okay." There's a pause. Tears are falling off my jaw even as I wipe them. "I love you, Ezzie. I'm not gonna stop. Take care of yourself, okay? Promise. Remember how valuable you are. How much I need you to stay safe. Take good care of you for me." His voice goes hoarse there. For a second, it's just silence. "I don’t think I’ll ever be the same without you," he whispers. "I love you for infinity," he chokes.

He's breathing hard, like he's trying to keep from losing it more. "I miss you in physics. Everybody misses you. I want to hold you. I hope you’re sleeping," he says, sounding muffled now. "I hope you don’t hate me. Bye, Ez," he whispers.

My throat gets hot the way it does when we run too hard at practice; I’m gonna throw up. But I play one more. One I wish I never had. It's drunk Miller—slurring.

"Hey Ezzie. I'm on the roof. Remember when you grabbed my dick up here? The stars..." I can't understand whatever he says next. He laughs, sounding raspy. "Mom and Carl aren't here. No one's here." His voice goes to a whisper. I don't understandthe first few words. Can only pant as my heart tries to travel to him through the phone.

"Mom said you went into the hospital again," he whispers. "I don't like to think about you there without me. I don't like to think about you anywhere." He exhales slowly. "Was I just fuckin' wrong about it? Tell me something." There's a sound like his scruff scratching the phone. "Honestly, don't. Just take care of yourself. Later," he whispers.

I can't listen to more of these. I look, though, and I realize that there isn't one. It's like a kick to the chest.

I go to my texts.Millsy.

The last one is from August 30.

'I'm not going to text again. Ever again. Bye, Ez. Wishing you the best- as ever.'

I set the phone down, realizing a few seconds later that I'm gasping for air.

"Fuck. FUCK!"

I get out of my car. Smash my fist into the window before I can thinkthat’s not a good idea. I stuff my throbbing hand into my pocket, praying that I didn’t hurt it too bad. A groan comes from deep in my chest, so I cover my mouth with my free hand.

“God.”

I pat my pocket for the cigarettes I haven't had in months. I fucking whimper.

"God. Oh God." I lean over, hands on my knees, feeling like I'm gonna get sick—but I haven't eaten since the game. I rest my forehead against the car's cool side.

Breathe, I tell myself.Just breathe.

I want to scream. I want to break something. I get back in the Jeep and hold the wheel with sweating, trembling hands. I want to sob, but nothing comes out. I feel like I'm choking.

He was mine.

He loved me!

MILLER!

I didn't goddamn dream it. I really wasn’t crazy.

I fumble in the Jeep's glove box, finding the Ziplock I keep there. I put it over my mouth and breathe until I'm not as dizzy.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I was right!GODDAMMNIT!

I check his Snapchat. Nothing. He stopped snapping. I check the gay snap for the university and—nothing. I check his friend Daniel.

There's some snaps of a dark sidewalk. Then a big house. I screenshot the thing, zoom in on the house. It's...lit up. It's lit up like a frat house. With fumbling fingers, I search Auburn's frat houses on my phone.

That's when I feel the clawing feeling. Impatience. Desire.Frenzy—to get to him. That's what this feeling was all along. Needing him. I needed Miller, and I tried to leave myself a note. It just didn't work.

Four

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