Page 204 of Wrath

Don't think about it. Not yet.

Greeley said that I could call them. Any time this weekend. Pastor Luke hooked me up with a good one.

I look around the Auburn student parking lot. Cars coming and going. I hear car horns through my rolled-up windows. Hoards of cars leaving the campus area. Tailgaters. Drunk Auburn fans. They're pissed off that we won. Bama fans are gloating. Two walk through the lot a little ways ahead of me, jumping like those little barky dogs that can go airborne.

I breathe deeply. Turn the phone on. While it powers up, I shut my eyes and try to do what Greeley told me to do. Feel my feet on the floor. Feel my back against the car’s seat. Feel the seat under my aching, slightly shaky quads.

I am me, and I feel fucking terrified. And I'm right there.

It's this little meditative chant thing. Greeley says it helps anxiety.

My eyes are aching when I open them, already stinging with the threat of tears as I look at my phone's screen.

I have 117 notifications.

And Josh Miller is my background photo.

"Oh my God!”

Tears start down my face as I put in the new password the store set.That clears all the notifications off his picture.

In the shot, he's on a bed I don't remember. He’s smiling softly. Beautiful. Maybe half asleep. He doesn't have his fucking shirt on.

Oh, fuck. Fuuuuck.

A tear drops onto the screen—onto Josh Miller's face—and then my shaking fingers navigate to missed calls.

Millsy.

Oh God. He's listed in my contacts that way!

I move to voicemail…try to breathe. I shut my eyes for half a second.

I'm so scared. And I'm right here.

Tears keep coming. My throat fuckingaches. There's a column of voice messages from Millsy. They’re from last November…and December.

Fuck, oh fuck… I should have done this sooner!

I turn up the volume, choose the oldest one I see, and feel the blood drain from my cheeks as the first note of his voice hits my ears.

“Ez? Hey. Call me. Don’t know where you went, and I’m worried.”

I don't move at all. Can’t even breathe as I click on the next one.

"Ezra? Love you. Where’d you go, man?”

Tears are dripping down my face as I select another. Now his voice is high and choked up. "Ezra? What’s the matter, man? I’m really worried. Please call. I don’t believe you would just go. Without some kind of…I don’t know." His voice cracks, and warmth flushes through my chest. "Did your mom find out?”

I can barely see for my tears, and I’m pretty sure I might throw up, but I have to keep listening.

“Ez? Are you okay? Can I come see you? Can you call me?”

I click on the next one.

"Ezra, please." My throat stings as I hear him trying not to cry. "Please call me, angel. I don’t know what I did wrong, but call me. Please.” It’s half sobbed. "I want to know you’re okay.” His voice thins and breaks. “I need to…”

I punch the next one with a shaking finger.

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