Page 174 of Wrath

Maybe I should put that shit on Snapchat.

June 12, 2019

Practice yesterday was … crazy.

It was awesome. I threw and they liked it. An older guy on the team said he was jealous of me. One of their trainers asked me to show him how I whip my spirals.

They want me on the team. It’s not a mistake.

No one cares that I didn’t graduate from high school in the normal way.

The bookstore found out who I am and they’re all excited I work there.

I know- it’s all stupid. It’s not a big pond, and I’m not really a big fish. Not quite yet, anyway. But I am -a- fish. I’m a fish that’s here. I’m not at mom’s house.

She still has my Jeep. But I don’t care. When I have enough saved, I’ll buy an old motorcycle or something. At least a bicycle.

I bought a lava lamp.

I can’t sleep and getting tired.

I’ve been watching him, still.

My secret.

He seems tired, too. This morning he did a snap lying on a bed in what I think was a dorm.

I think about him all day. It’s okay, though. Still enjoying life here.

All good.

I’m a fucking football player.

June 19, 2019

There’s a guy from Fairplay here. His name is Marcel- the one I read about online. We met and he acted happy to see me, so I tried to act happy, too. Apparently we did a lot of cool shit together. I guess I need to find all of our highlight reels.

Practice is good. My arm is a superstar.

The rest of me- I don’t know.

I think something’s wrong with me. Maybe they’re right at SP even though they don’t know about Alton. I thought that was the source of all my problems since I was never crazy before I went there- but—

I’m sleeping a little more, thanks to some medicine the team doctor gave me. I have dreams now. When I do, there’s someone holding me. A guy. I can’t ever see his face. When I wake up, I have the same feeling I had on the day I ran away from SP. It’s this panicked feeling. Like a tightness in my throat and chest, so I feel like I’m suffocating. Something’s clawing at me. I feel like I need to run and run, until I get to…

What?

I almost feel like I’m on fire and desperate for someone to pour some water on me. It’s a -longing- feeling. I haven’t had an Alton dream in days. Only these dreams with these arms around me. It feels so good.

Then I wake up, I get the clawing feeling, and I pace around my room. Last night, I went on a walk at 1:30 a.m.

What if SP was right and I do have psychosis or bipolar?

Maybe that’s why I keep watching my stepbrother’s Snaps and his Insta stories all day and night like I’m addicted to him.

June 24, 2019

I tried some pot the other night at a party. Tbh I thought it was a pipe that had tobacco in it. Anyway, I didn’t like it. Now I’m nervous I’ll get drug-tested.

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