Page 54 of Halftime

“What thefuckhave they been saying to you, Seb?”

My family wasn’t horrible. They loved me, I knew, in their own way. They didn’t force me to do things. They wanted good things for me. It’s just that they kind of…ignored me. Most of the time.

“If I get my degree, then I can get a job and establish myself. If I go the hockey route, the odds aren’t great I’ll go pro, and if I do, it probably won’t be for very long, so not a lot of money, and then I’d be behind everyone. And if I get a concussion or something…”

Faith had her jaw clenched tightly, and her eyes were flashing. “Come on.” She grabbed her tray and headed for the exit.

I followed her. I knew she was angry, and I hoped it wasn’t with me. Once we were out of the dining hall, she grabbed my hand and pulled me around a corner. On a Sunday morning, the place was deserted. She grabbed my chin and made me meet her gaze.

“Seb, your family hasn’t supported you in any way except by paying places to keep you, just so they didn’t have to deal with you. It was nice for them that hockey kept you out of their hair, but now they want you to give it up? No fucking way. Hockey is your dream, and you can damn well go for it.”

I bit my lip, trying to work out my feelings. Faith sighed.

“Seb, you don’t owe them anything. Not really. They threw money at you, sent you to hockey camps because they didn’t want to deal with you. They can’t start telling you what to do now. You know they’re not going to change if you do what they want, right? They’re not suddenly going to include you in everything, and I don’t know, set aside a room for you again. This is all to make sure you take the guaranteed route so they can keep ignoring you.”

I closed my eyes, hurt by the truth in her words. It wasn’t that my parents were evil or hated me. But I had never really been wanted. As much as they liked their happy families, I was a reminder of the mistake they’d made. They split custody, and somehow, I never really fit in either place.

Faith was right. When I started to play hockey and was good at it, they’d been happy to send me away on school breaks to hockey camps. I’d been happy to go, because when I played well, someone was glad to have me around.

It had been nice to be wanted, at least by a team. I knew Faith was right, but it was hard. I’d tried all my life to make them want me around. I’d been well-behaved, helped out, was never difficult. I’d never gotten into any trouble, but somehow, I was still too much for them.

We, my mom and dad and I, discussed things like where I was supposed to be and when. How school was. How my hockey team did—they never looked it up themselves. General how-are-things-going conversation. Most of the time, they didn’t ask what I wanted or what my dreams were.

They’d been happy I’d gotten a scholarship to college to play hockey. I mean, I knew they’d have helped with tuition at least. They always did what they were supposed to and split the costs right down the middle. But as they said, they had other kids that would need that money later. The money that they didn’t have to pay for my college tuition.

They liked the idea of me with a regular career. One that would leave me self-sufficient. Not a burden. And the kid inside me, the one who’d always wanted them to want me, wanted to do what they asked. To try to fucking please them.

Faith was right. That was never going to happen. I hadn’t wanted to face it.

I pulled Faith into a tight embrace. Really tight. With other girls I’d dated, I might have needed to hold back, but Faith wasn’t tiny and fragile. She was strong and loyal and here. And I loved her. I’d never stopped, and I’d do anything to make sure we survived together this time.

Anything.

* * *

Faith

I had a boyfriend again. Seb. Again.

I’d had my doubts. Partly because I was rewiring my brain now that I knew he hadn’t cheated. And partly because I’d planned tonotbe involved with anyone. I knew I needed to focus on my game and my classes. I’d been afraid getting involved with someone would mean I wouldn’t keep up with the other stuff.

Seb was helping me with my classes. Not that he was a genius or straight A student, but he had a year of experience, and he knew me. He could say something, and it would open a door in my brain and things would make more sense. And being involved with someone in hockey helped in a way I hadn’t considered. Most of the time, goalies were the oddballs of the team. We tended to be a little more superstitious, and we were in the minority. Our training was a little different. And while I was working hard on bonding with the team, I was having more problems with the other two goalies.

I wanted to replace Anderson, and everyone knew that. That was the normal dynamic. On my last team, I’d been the starter, and my backup had wanted my spot. But we’d gotten along well, because, without bragging, I was a lot better than she was. I’d wanted to help her so the team would be in good shape when I left.

Anders wasn’t better than me. Not really. I understood this was her last year, and maybe her last time to be a hockey player, but I also wanted to play, and I really wanted to win. Unlike me and my backup last year, she didn’t reach out to me. I didn’t know her reasons, but I suspected she was afraid I might push her into being the backup.

Our other freshman goalie, Vash, was even worse. She’d hoped to be the next starter, and I was way better than she was. I’d offered to work with her, but she’d started refusing. She and Anders had formed a partnership. They worked together, and I was left out. It wasn’t a happy situation, at least not for me.

Having Seb to talk hockey with, even while he couldn’t talk goalie things with me, helped. Proving what a great guy he was, Seb invited their freshman goalie to eat with us a few times, so I had someone to get into goalie details with. Talking to Briggs about what the men’s team was doing with him was awesome, and I added some things to my own workouts as a result. That was all good.

The sex was awesome. I think I’d blanked that part of our relationship out because it hurt too much to remember. Or maybe we’d both gotten better at it. I didn’t dwell on what might have happened this last year to make it feel that way. One of us was always out of town on the weekends, but we got together Sundays, and we spent most of our weeknights together. And it was great.

Word got out about us being together, obviously. I was worried about what Coach would think. We were getting along better, but I still felt like she was waiting for me to prove myself. Not on the ice, because when I got to play, I played really well. I based that on my save percentage, my GAA, my wins, and by the way my teammates played when I was in net. Our defense played more loosely, not worrying that I couldn’t cover things behind them. They could jump in on rushes, and it helped the whole team.

Coach didn’t appear to place much stock in that.

I was also doing everything I needed to in practice. I was mostly shut out by the other two goalies, but for weight training, cardio, and on-ice drills, I did everything I was asked. I was one of the first to arrive, and one of the last to leave. Every single practice. But I wasn’t getting a lot of starts. I was mostly sitting there as backup, and I still felt like Coach was waiting for me to do something to show I wasn’t a part of the team.

---