Page 56 of Karma

It’s not really a question but if it was, I’d be screaming, “Hell, no!” in answer.

“It wasn’t,” he says. “At least not until Joker tracked me down and I finally had a small piece of my family back.”

“How did he find you?” Karma asks in a cracked voice.

He shrugs. “He’d been looking and I have a very distinct name, don’t I?”

“Scorpio’s not just your road name?” Karma asks. I’m glad for these normal questions in the midst of the storm of rage I stirred up by touching him this morning. That already seems like days ago.

He shakes his head. “Nope, it’s my real name. According to Honey, my dad had a thing for the Zodiac. My brothers were Ares and Taurus. But we’re getting off topic here…

“Like I already told you, things were OK for a while after Joker joined me on the streets. I’d hustle us up the johns, then we’d rob them before anything could happen. Until Joker got picked up by the cops during the coldest week of that winter.”

He finally takes a breath, and it sounds like a painful one.

He raises his hands and points out the deep scars on his wrists. “Which is how I got these. And enough nightmares to last me for the rest of my life. It’s also the main reason I won’t have anyone fuck me ever again.”

“Some asshole tied you up and used you?” I ask, my chest once again threatening to boil over with rage. “Is he dead? If not, I’ll kill him.”

He looks at me, and for a tiny moment the wall behind which he’s hiding drops and reveals all the raw, shapeless pain within. But it’s back up just as fast.

“I already took care of that. With Joker’s help,” he says. “And it wasn’t just a guy. It was a married couple, a man and a woman, and they looked so normal when they picked me up. They didn’t even want sex. They just wanted me to have somewhere warm to sleep and a hot meal. They said. And I believed them. Not in my wildest dreams did I imagine they’d tie me up to a bed in a derelict house and rape me with just about anything they could think of. But like I said, I was stupid.”

“You weren’t stupid,” Karma says, tears rolling down her face as she hugs him tight. She never cries. He doesn’t hug her back.

“I almost tore my hands right off getting away from them,” he says. “But I got away. And then Joker and me went back and burned their bodies in that nasty house of theirs. Sadly, the house itself wouldn’t burn with them. Damn those cold Chicago winters, right?”

“I hate that this happened to you,” Karma sobs into his chest still holding him tight.

But he looks at me, his eyes sharp again, but no less distant. “And that is why I won’t let anyone get near my ass.”

I have no reply to that. Only a nod.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that too,” I say. “I won’t try to change your mind again.”

He scoffs and extricates himself from Karma’s arms. “Of course not. I don’t shine so bright to you anymore now that you know everything.”

He stands up even though Karma tries to stop him. “I guess it’s over now. And if you repeat any of this to anyone, I’ll kill you both. And whoever you tell.”

It’s a threat I feel all the way in my bones. And I don’t know how to reply without making it worse. It seems to be the same for Karma. All we can do is watch dumbly as he walks away.

“What do we do now?” Karma asks once he disappears from view. Her eyes are still full of tears.

“I wish I knew,” I say and it’s the absolute truth.

It’s also true that nothing’s changed as regards how much I want him since early this morning. But I have no idea how to get us all back to that much happier time.

29

Scorpio

How did I get here? Just a couple of hours ago, I was having the time of my life, riding the fast train of fun with Karma and Grim. Now I’m threatening to kill them?

As I walk back into the dark bar, I feel like I just got thrown from that speeding train. The orgy in the back is still going, but my mind is too full of memories I never like to face to care. They’re vivid like it all just happened.

I’ve gone fifteen years without telling anyone anything about my past. Even Joker doesn’t know all the things I just told them. And why did I tell them? Fuck, if I know. I could’ve just punched Grim in the face a couple of times and been done with his whole trying to fuck me game that way. Been done with them as efficiently as we’re done now.

I’m not making good choices lately. It started with going to LA to spend some more time with Karma. I should’ve made a clean cut with her when I still had the chance. Because now it never can be a clean cut. It’ll be messy and brutal and I just wish my hands would stop shaking and my stomach would stopcramping and the stupid memories would just wither and die already.

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