Page 107 of Ruthless Lullaby

“I’ll give you two some time.” She stands and gently pats my shoulder before turning to leave.

The sterile stillness of the room seems to vanish as my focus narrows to my mother’s frail body. My vision blurs from my tears, threatening to spill over as I gently take her hand in mine. Her skin feels like delicate parchment beneath my trembling fingers.

"Mom," I whisper, my voice cracking with the weight of a thousand unspoken goodbyes. "Mom, I'm here."

Her eyelids flutter, fighting against the heavy pull of morphine and fatigue. When they finally open, those familiar hazel eyes - now dulled, but still glimmering with love - find mine. A faint smile tugs at the corners of her lips, transforming her gaunt face into the one I've known and cherished all my life.

"Mindy," she breathes, her voice gossamer-thin. Each syllable seems to cost her dearly. "My sweet girl. I'm so... proud of you."

The dam breaks. Tears cascade down my cheeks as a sob wrenches itself from my chest. My heart feels like it's being torn apart and pieced back together with every precious word.

"I love you so much, Mom," I manage through hitching breaths. "I love you more than I can express... I don't know how I'll survive without you."

Her fingers twitch in mine, a weak squeeze that somehow still radiates with all the strength and love she's always given me.

"You can do it, my darling," she murmurs, conviction shining through the exhaustion in her eyes. "You're strong. Stronger than you know."

She pauses, struggling for breath. Each inhalation is a battle, and I find myself unconsciously matching her rhythm, as if I could breathe for both of us.

"You'll be..." she continues, her words punctuated by shallow gasps, "the best mother. I'll be watching over you. Always."

I lean in close to her, my tears falling onto the starched white pillowcase. The scent of her favorite lavender hand cream still clings to her skin like a bittersweet reminder of better days.

"And you’d be the most incredible grandmother," I whisper, my voice thick with grief. "The baby... my baby... would be so lucky to have you."

A serene smile graces her face, smoothing away the lines of pain. Her eyes open again with a newfound intensity in her gaze.

"Mindy," she whispers, her voice gaining some strength for a brief moment. "I want you to find the man who will appreciateyou for who you are. I hope... I hope the father of your baby is the one."

Her words hit me like a physical blow. Suddenly, the absence of Maron strikes me with crushing force. Where is he? Why isn't he here, holding my other hand, supporting me through this unbearable moment? The thought opens up a chasm of loneliness within me, even as I cling to my mother's hand.

Mom's eyes close again, but her words are clear. "I love all my three girls."

Grief clogs my throat, rendering me mute. I can only cry, holding onto her hand like a lifeline.

"Mindy..." Her whisper is barely audible now.

I lean even closer. "Yes, Mom?"

Her breathing becomes more labored, each word sounding like a herculean effort. "Listen... please… don't beat yourself up about Emily... or me..." She pauses, fighting for air. "That accident... has nothing... to do... with me going..." Her eyes flutter open once more, locking onto mine with startling clarity. "And look after Alexis... please. She needs you... more than you know."

I close my eyes, allowing the tears to fall freely. The weight of her words, of all she's leaving behind, settles heavily on my shoulders. "Say hi to Emily for me, Mom," I whisper. "Tell her I miss her every day and every minute. Just like I will miss you."

She doesn't respond verbally, but a beatific smile crosses her face. It’s as if she's already glimpsing something beyond this world. And then, with one final, gentle sigh - like a whisper ofwind through autumn leaves - and a last, tender squeeze of my hand... she slips away.

The rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor flatlines into a single, unbroken tone. It's a sound that will haunt my dreams for the years to come, marking the moment when the world lost its brightest light, and I lost the guiding star of my life.

She’s gone…

Something inside me shatters, something vital and irreplaceable. My mother, my rock, has slipped away into the great beyond, leaving behind a world that now feels unbearably cold, empty, and meaningless.

And me? I’m lost. Broken. Utterly alone, in a way I never thought possible. The emptiness is overwhelming, all-consuming.

As I look at my mother's peaceful expression through my tears, my heart aches with the desire to escape with her. To flee this cruel world of betrayal and loss. But I know I’m unable to go anywhere just yet. My body is no longer just my own – there is someone else growing inside of me.

I place a hand on my still-flat stomach, emotions swirling within me. This tiny life inside me - part of me, yet distinct - feels like both an anchor and a lifeline. It keeps me tethered to a world I long to escape, while also giving me a reason to keep going.

I'm torn between wanting to run away and the overwhelming love I feel for this baby I haven't even met. How can I feel so much for someone so small, someone I can't even see or hold yet? And how can I be a good mother when I feel so lost and broken myself?

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