Page 134 of Knot All is Forgiven

"I think Icarus makes the rules," Simon whispers conspiratorially.

"I do," Vick confirms, lifting me off Simon and pressing my back to his front as he squeezes me. "And today's rule is that our Omega will eat takeout, watch a movie, and cuddle. Tomorrow, we can call Dr. K and work through the feelings and pain from today."

"I'd rather call her today, if you don't mind," I say quietly.

Vick kisses my temple and gently pushes me to a sitting position, where Rafe snags me and holds me to his chest for a moment. "Do you want us here while you do?" he whispers.

"No, I'd rather be alone if you don't mind." Of course, none of them do, and a few minutes later, I'm alone in the nest with the phone ringing for a video call.

I prop it up against the leg of my side table, resting my head on my folded arms on the edge of the nest.

Dr. K picks up and immediately gives me a soft half-smile.

She's been my therapist for four years, and I've always trusted her. Even though I don't think she truly believed I was an Omegauntil I presented, she never treated me like it was a mental issue that I believed. She just encouraged me to operate under the assumption I wouldn't present and to set my life up in a way I would be happy if I didn't.

"Thanks for taking the time to meet with me so quickly," I say as I brush my hair out of my face. "I'm sorry to be an imposition."

The older Beta woman waves her hand. She's probably in her late fifties, with greying blonde hair that she keeps in a braid down the back of her head. She's dressed casually in jeans and a flowy floral blouse, and I wonder if I interrupted her on a date or something.

"You're never an imposition. When I read your text, I knew this needed to be addressed immediately. You've had a stressful few months, haven't you?"

An inappropriate chuckle slips out. "You could say that. And then I found out today that Lanie sabotaged my career. It was a big blow."

"This is the Lanie who 'unintentionally' made negative comments about your eating, yes?"She puts air quotes around the word unintentionally, but her face remains passive."I have to wonder if that was the beginning of this for her. Those comments – did they happen before you presented as an Omega?"

I rack my brain, trying to recall prior lunches with Lanie, but come up blank. "I don't think so."

"And do you feel like her comments affected your perception of yourself?"

"She did have me questioning if I was gaining weight and if Icarus was sexually attracted to me once. She just got in my head, and I struggled to quiet the voice."

"And why do you think that is?"

I sigh, trying not to get frustrated at her asking the questions instead of telling me what I need to know. But how can I learn and grow if she gives me all the answers? "It reminded me of what it was like as a teenager, trying to lose weight to present as an Omega. Of the way my mother…"

I scrub my hands down my face and groan. "My mother. Why does it always come back to my mother?"

Dr. K chuckles, leaning forward to prop her chin on her hand."Because your inner voice is the way your mother talked to you. Or, your parents, rather. As children, we internalize what our parents say to and about us, even if they don't know we're listening. It's why the things Lanie said to you didn't immediately give off red flags as to who she was as a person. Your mother broke your normal meter. To you, those comments were something you could expect from someone you loved."

She takes her glasses off, and for a moment, I can forget that I'm only seeing her through a tiny phone screen. Her presence is so comforting that it's like she's right here."If you had noticed how toxic her comments were, you may have realized her harmful intent towards you."

"I feel like it's my fault."

"Why would you try to take the credit for her negative actions? Would you take the credit for the good things she did?"

Scoffing, I cross my arms over my chest petulantly. "Of course not, but it's not the same thing."

"Of course, it's the same thing. You only control yourself. Was it a mistake to have her drop off your forms?"I wince, knowing what's coming. That paperwork was so important I should never have passed it off to her, regardless of how busy I was.

But Dr. K surprises me."No, it was not. She was your assistant. That is exactly the kind of thing you hired her for, and until then, she had proven trustworthy."

"I mean, yeah, but – "

"No buts, Jordan. What do I always tell you?"

Sighing, I pull my knees to my chest. "I am deserving of compassion and kindness."

"That's right. When you blame yourself for Lanie's wrongdoings, are you being kind or compassionate to yourself?"I grumble under my breath, and she chuckles at my petulance."I know you know that you're not. Now, talk to me about what happened at the clinic."

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