Page 56 of All Saints: Pledge

“My T.A. is helping me by reviewing them early. Still hard, but I’m doing okay, thanks.” Suddenly, my soul is a little less weary. My friends. I might just pull it off—get to stay here at Oxford. I have found what I think is a true life passion, singing in chapel choir. I’m passing my coursework. I have a lecture class with Margaret Dusberry next term. Despite all the absolute bonkers weirdness going on with Kendall, I’m thriving. And now, I’ll have my friends back.

Dominic passes around his little thermos of coffee, and Li and I both take a sip. We sit and study for an hour in companionable silence. And if Dominic’s knees seem to bump into mine a little more often than is normal under the table, I don’t care at all. I do hope this tiny little glow that I feel whenhe is near will survive until spring. Gods, how nice it would be to date someone like a normal person. To slowly get to know someone. To hold hands. To tell jokes. To study together.Thisis what normal people do.

Not shove people into walls. Or grind together against a library wall. No duct taping boobs in a cocktail dress for nefarious personal reasons. Lust isnotlove. Say it again for those in the back.

Being around Kendall muddied this clarity. Continuing avoiding him is the correct path forward. I can almost taste that final check. I can see my future stretching before me like a comfortable chair in front of a fire…a future with Dominic and Li. A future without All Saints. This will all be over soon.

When I get backto my room, I open the door and flick on the light to reveal Kendall sitting at my desk. Snow spirals in around my feet, and it takes me a moment before I remember to shut the door against the fresh arctic bite of the air.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I hiss, grabbing at my chest. It’s as if he’s been summoned by my peace surrounding my decision to avoid him. “Again.”

Kendall rises from the chair and holds out an envelope.

I take it, eyeing him like he’s a shark about to bite. I don’t drop my gaze, even as I slide my finger under the flap of the thick linen envelope to open it. More money? Already?

“I thought you’d be back earlier. You have exams starting tomorrow, right?”

I roll my eyes, just giving up on grilling him about how he knows so much about my schedule. Odds are it’s his job. “Don’tyouhave exams too?” I fire back instead.

I drop my eyes to the paper inside the envelope. It’s not a check. It’s an itinerary for our trip to Ireland, and a list of things I’m required to pack. Kendall clears his throat. “A car will pick you up for the airport three hours before your flight. Clara will be sharing the car and the row on the plane with you. I hope that’s okay.”

“Yes, that’s great.”

We stand there.

I turn to taking off my coat, hoping he’ll get the hint that I’m ready to wind down for the night. It’s wet, so I drape it over my chair, and shove it near to the radiator. Hopefully it dries before my review tomorrow.

He coughs. “Uh, so. Did Li and Dominic find you?”

What does he want? A cookie? “Yeah, yeah they did.” I willnotthank him for apologizing. It was the right thing to do as a human being.

Silence reigns again.

He rubs the back of his neck. “Good. Okay. Yeah, well, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. To you too. About that whole thing.”

I pull off my boots and then stand to face him. I feel more vulnerable now, in my stockings, and wish I’d stayed armored up in my coat and boots. “Yeah, well. Thanks.”

He blows out a breath. I get the impression he wants to ask something else. I raise my eyebrow as the silence stretches and stretches, and finally I throw up my hands. “I’m getting ready for bed, so figure out what you’re going to say while I brush my teeth.”

I cannot even with this man. I set out my books for tomorrow, make sure I set my alarm for my first review, and head into my bathroom. In a scene reminiscent of one a few weeks ago, I brush my teeth and get into whatever pajamas I can find in my clothes hamper. How dare Kendall kick me out of my own room. Again. It’s my room. I can just tell him to leave. Infact, I spend a few moments practicing in the mirror doing just that.

All pumped up on my own charisma—I can do this shit. I can be a badass!—it stops me a bit in my tracks when I open my door and my lights are off. I peek around the door. Maybe Kendall is planning some sort of jump scare? There’s a rustling of my bedding and I freeze, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the lighting. It’s not fully dark. The nightlight I leave plugged in under my desk is on, washing the floor between the desk and my bed in a comforting orange glow. Beyond my window, snow falls in soft sheets. If I wasn’t scared of being abducted again, it would be cozy. Peaceful.

“Kendall?” I ask tentatively into the dark. Maybe he left and was polite enough to switch off the lights.

There’s a rustling again, and a tired “yeah,” from the direction of my bed, behind the bathroom door. Frowning, I move into the room and close the bathroom door. He’s sitting on my bed, up against the wall, his head tipped back, and I think his eyes are closed.

“I think I fell asleep waiting for you,” he said. And I’m pretty sure his eyes remain closed as he says it. “Sorry.”

I huff, even as I make my way to the bed. Most of my fire for excusing him has gone out of me. The orange light accentuates the pronounced circles under his eyes, and the shadows under his cheekbones. He looks exhausted. And oddly young, with tousled hair and eyes closed.

“I haven’t been sleeping well since…well, for a while.” He says, as if he’s reading my thoughts. Why are we always on the same wavelength?

I don’t doubt All Saints stuff makes all of us sleep poorly, but I get the feeling he’s talking about more than that. About maybe how I’ve treated him since his declaration. He looks completelyharmless right now, so I pad to my bed, pull open the top of the comforter and slide in cross-legged, sitting on my pillows.

He pries open one eye and looks at me. “I was hoping it would stop snowing, but it looks like it’s going to continue. I should g?—”

“I owe you maybe an apology, too.” I chew on my lip. Goddamn Kendall and these moments where he looks like a real human instead of a caricature of a villain. “I’ve said some not-nice things. And maybe I treated you badly afterward.” There. That should cover it without specifics. I’m not ready to look at my tenderness toward the human version of Kendall too closely right now, much less declare it out loud.

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